Under the influence
The 8th episode in my formative sex & relationship series.
My life quickly unravels after starting a new job. I tread murky boundaries with a seemingly harmless colleague and the consequences leave permanent damage.
*Heads up* I use graphic language and describe multiple sexual experiences & a sexual assault.
In this series:
Ep 14 :: Seeding disenchantment
Ep 16 :: Petroleum engineering smart
Ep 17 :: Sex and the city
Ep 18 :: Part of the job
Ep 19 :: Hawaiian breeze era
Ep 20 :: Time out
Ep 21 :: Risky business
Ep 22 :: That kind of girl
I recently made a playlist to help me move through the intense emotions from these experiences *cue dancing out my rage🔥🎶
Tapping into my Albertan prairie roots
🚜🌾👨🌾🐎👢
My 21st birthday 🥂🎂
Not sure what state of mind my sketches were channeling at the time, 2005 ✏️
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This is Divine Interruption. I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin. Hi.
Thanks for being here. So, just a heads up, I'm going to give you an explicit warning for this episode just because, again, I'm going to be talking about some sexual experiences. It may be in a more graphic way, there may be some graphic language.
And if you've experienced any sort of boundary crossing or sexual trauma, I just want to give you a warning because I'm going to talk about some things like that, and it may be very triggering or just doesn't feel good to listen to.
So heads up, if that's how you're feeling, this is not going to be the episode for you. So I recently met up with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, and they were telling me about opening up their marriage.
And this is something they talked about for a long time and finally decided to do it. It was a very empowering experience, which meant that they were going to open up their marriage to have other sexual experiences.
And this was agreed upon by both of them. And yeah, it was meant to be fun. It was meant to expose them to more things.
And it was kind of a long time coming. Like they talked about it, and now it had finally happened.
So over lunch, my friend told me about a recent experience that she'd had on a business trip where she had met up with a few different men and had these sexual encounters. And there's actually apps for this, right?
Where you can purely seek very specific, consensual sexual experiences. And I was really excited for her and her partner. And again, this was all very intentional, and it was bringing something to their relationship experience.
And so hearing her talk about it, I was like, oh, this is fun. This is exciting. Tell me all the details.
And I left lunch, got in my car, everything was fine, and I was just kind of thinking about everything that she told me. And as I was driving home, something started to happen. And it was very confusing.
And as I was driving and just kind of thinking about our chat, I started to get kind of anxious. And then I was like, oh, like, was what happened? Was that actually safe?
And then I started to think about it. I'm like, anything could have happened. Like nothing did.
It felt like it was really positive, and good times were had, do you know what I mean? But then I started to feel really anxious. And then I started to get even more worried.
And then I started to almost get angry. And I'm like, what's happening right now? Who am I angry with?
What am I angry about? So I felt all this anger come up in my body. And then behind that anger, I started to cry.
So I'm driving home, and in the span of like five minutes, I have experienced all of these different emotions.
And then I'm crying, and I'm crying more, and I'm crying more, and my brain is going on overdrive, trying to figure out like, what am I doing right now? What is happening? Is this about my friend?
Did I take on a lot of energy from that conversation, which is something that I can easily do a lot of times when I'm very engaged with other people, and they're telling me stories, especially about other people.
Like, my energy can jump into theirs, and I can almost be there with them. Like, I feel into the energies of the people, and I don't know, I can feel the experience, so I can be very in it.
And I was like, oh, maybe I'm processing these other people's emotions. Maybe I'm processing my friend's emotions.
But it was so much bigger than me, and I pulled up in my driveway, and I just had to stop because I was just being flooded with grief, with sadness, and I was shaking.
I was physically shaking, my hands were shaking, I was getting cold, and I was like, oh my God. And it just poured out of me. I didn't want anyone to hear me, but I couldn't do anything.
I was like, well, I don't want to go into the house with my kids and be like this. I don't want anyone to hear me, but I'm just going to do this in the car. So I spent five minutes just sitting there, allowing this to happen.
And the cries turned into like sobs, turned into wails, like literally wailing. And I had a jacket and I just put it over my mouth, and I just like wailed into this jacket. And at some point, I actually thought I was going to throw up.
I started gagging and I'm like, oh my God, I need to vomit. I need to vomit. And it was just really intense.
And after that, it took me a while, like a full day to kind of process what that was, because it was purely emotional and energetic. My brain did not understand what it was connected to.
And there's that saying, like when something is hysterical, it is historical. It is attached to something bigger, deeper, older. I'm not going to get hysterical over this conversation with my friend based on what they've actually told me, right?
This is something deep within me that is being triggered.
And this brings me to all of the things I've been talking about in my recent episodes about relationships, about power dynamics with men, about sexuality, and having sexual experiences in my very early 20s.
And it's brought up a memory that, again, just one of these interactions, one of these kind of fleeting, you couldn't even really call it a relationship, but a connection with another person that brought me to some darker places.
So I've been living in Jasper National Park for a couple of years at this point. And one of those winters, I went on a trip to India and to Nepal, came back and was broke.
And someone asked me at that time, like if I wanted to get into serving, they're like, oh, you can make a lot of money working at a restaurant as a server. You could do this on top of your regular day job. And I'd never worked at a restaurant.
It was all very new to me. And I was like, is this something I'd be good at? And I was like, why not?
And I was like, okay, I need the money. So they're like, we'll start you off as a hostess. Like it's pretty easy.
And then you can learn the ropes, watch the other people, and we'll eventually get you some better shifts and you can make more money. I remember having to wear this white button-up shirt with a black tie.
And I remember the shirt collar like wouldn't fully button up. And even when I got to work, like I did not know how to tie the tie. And this was before YouTube.
Like I couldn't just look up a video and figure out how to tie a tie. So I get to my first day on the job, and like I can't even get my tie on. I was really nervous.
There was another server there. He was actually really nice. He was the one person who kind of introduced himself.
We're going to call him Anton. So Anton was really friendly and he's like, hey, let me give you a hand here. Like I can tell that you haven't got your uniform right and he ties my tie for me.
And he was just really kind. And through that evening, like I didn't do much. I felt like I was just standing a lot.
There weren't a lot of customers, but he takes it upon himself to show me around. He's like, here, you can cut up some limes for the bar, or here, roll up some napkins, help me wipe glasses and cutlery. And, you know, he gave me the menu.
And he's like, ask me any questions, you know, take this home with you, and like, learn it, you know, really learn the menu. So he's giving me all these pointers. And yeah, I was out of my element.
I was intimidated by the other staff, especially the kitchen staff. It just seemed like they were doing their thing, and I was kind of like in the way. That's how it felt.
So I took on more shifts. I saw Anton more regularly. He helped me out, and I just really appreciated that.
And, I don't know, a few weeks later, I found myself at a house party with a friend, and I don't remember knowing a lot of people. I don't remember who owned the apartment. But at one point, Anton was there.
And again, small town, everyone knows each other. He ends up talking to me, and he's like, how's it going? And I can tell he's really distracted.
He's paying a lot of attention to my friend who I was there with. You know, he just kind of keeps looking over, and there's obviously something, something going on there.
But then at some point, as we're talking, he grabs my hand, and he pulls me into the hallway. And I'm like, what's going on? And I'm thinking, oh my God, like, is this a thing?
Like, he's touching me? Does he like me? So having this weird moment where I'm like, why is he doing this?
And then he proceeds to ask me about my friend. So he pulls me into the hallway and he's like, does she have a boyfriend? What's her deal?
I find her so hot, she's so pretty, like, I'm really into her. And he even describes parts of her body. He's like, she's so skinny.
He was really into how skinny she was and the way her skin looked and her hair. And I was like, okay, we're just buddies. He wants to talk to me about how amazing my friend is.
So there was a moment, I thought maybe something he was showing interest in me, and then definitely not. So I felt like an idiot, but I was like, it's okay.
So he goes over to my friend and they're in conversation, and I can kind of tell like he's really trying. And now I'm noticing, I'm like, oh yeah, he definitely likes her. I picked up on that.
She leaves the party at some point, and I think she did have a boyfriend at the time, and she was not interested in him, I could tell. So I'm getting ready to leave too.
Anton comes up to me and grabs my hand, pulls me into the bathroom at the end of the hallway. The bathroom is dark. He closes the door, we're in the dark.
And he just starts kissing me, and I'm like, what is happening? I'm really confused because my brain is going back and forth, like what? But then I'm like flattered, and then I'm like, oh my god, and then I'm confused again, right?
It's like up and down, up and down. This is happening really quickly. And he's like, hey, let's take this to the bedroom.
And again, this is a small apartment. I don't remember whose apartment this was. It was not his.
We're in some random person's bedroom. I'm definitely feeling self-conscious. There's overhead lights on.
If anyone knows me, I don't do overhead lights. Lighting is very important, okay? It's like an energetic thing for me.
But anyway, there's these stark, bright overhead lights, and there's this bed in the middle of the room, and there's people outside in the hallway, the living room, the kitchen, right, in this party.
I don't even know if it's possible to lock the door. And again, he asked me something about my friend. He's like, oh, she's so hot.
But then, as he's saying this, he's like pulling off my clothes. So I'm confused. He's talking about her, but he's making out with me, and things are happening really fast.
There's definitely moments, like everything is flashing through my brain, and I'm like, ugh, this is a mistake, this is a mistake. He doesn't actually like me. This is a mistake.
I work with him. This is a mistake. This will end badly.
I will feel bad, and I already know this about myself after I have sex with someone. I feel horrible. I feel ashamed.
I feel sad. I feel abandoned, like something bad is going to happen. I should stop this.
But at this point, it's like, I just... All I can say, and I know this isn't, like, a valid, logical answer, but it's like, I just can't.
Because, like, inside of me, like, at this point, any form of attention from a man was like what I was holding on to. My standards and my expectations, you know, over these few years, had just been lowered so much.
And it didn't really matter anymore if these interactions were on my terms of, like, what I would actually want, because I felt like none of that was possible. Like, I had been living in a fantasy world before. I'm like, this doesn't exist for me.
This is what I discerned about life at this point. I was like, I'm not, quote unquote, good enough to have an actual boyfriend. Like, it can't actually be reciprocal.
There can't actually be a respectable, reciprocal relationship for me. And I really craved, I think it's very human, like, I really craved to be seen and cared for, and I wanted to feel attractive.
Like, I really wanted to be liked, you know, I wanted to feel that. And that was all very normal. And because I wanted to feel desirable, I wanted to feel that I mattered.
And then I equated that with, well, I need that from a man. The man needs to give that to me. They are the holders of that power to tell me that I am worthy, right?
I need them to approve of me. And they're the ones that can give me that, even if that means giving up a piece of myself, if it means giving up my standards or my worth or my body or my integrity, like that was now on the table.
We are giving away our energy and our sense of self just so that we can hold on to anything. That's where I was at. And I still did not have a voice.
If anything, at this point, I had lost my voice so much more in all of these scenarios. I felt like I could not speak up. I felt so embarrassed about sex.
Like here I was having so much more of it or being in these scenarios, doing sexual things. And yet I could not talk about it. I didn't know how to voice anything.
I didn't know how to voice my needs. I didn't know how to talk about it and not feel so much shame. And I've mentioned this before, but like I would freeze.
So I could feel my nervous system actually like shutting down. It's like a protective mechanism, but it felt like I couldn't do anything. I'm like, this is happening.
This is happening to me. I have no control. Like that's what it would feel like.
Even though my brain is still going, it feels like I can't say anything and I'm stuck because this is like a pattern that has now developed. And there's so much happening at once. There's so much processing in the brain that it is overwhelmed.
And it is a lot to consider. Like even the fact that within the span of like five minutes, we went from, here's my co-worker. Wait, does he like me?
Oh, wait, no, he's obsessed with my friend. Wait, he's telling me that she's so amazing and so good looking, and that he likes her for all of these reasons, all of these things that have nothing to do with me. I am not like this person at all.
Then he pulls me into the bathroom. Now he's making out with me. Wait, does he like me?
Does he not like me? Why is he talking about my friend? Oh my God, my clothes are coming off.
Why is he talking about my friend? He's talking so fast. And I'm frozen trying to process all of this information.
Can I trust him? Does he actually like me? Is this safe?
Oh my God, am I going to be embarrassed? Will other people embarrass me? Will they find out?
Will I see him again? What's it going to be like at work? Is he in control here?
What will happen if I say no? And I've really never said no. So I don't even know how to do that at this point.
And there's this fear like if I was even going to do that, is he going to be rude to me? But if I have sex with him, is he going to be rude to me? Is he going to ignore me at work?
Is this real? Is he genuine? Do I even like him?
And it's funny because what I want or what I like barely factors into the equation, right? That might be the last question. Like, do I even want this?
So it's a lot. And I would just shut down and freeze. And sex would happen, and then it would be over.
And then I knew that I would process all of that later. And by process, I mean, I might tell a friend about it, and then it would become some sort of joke. And then I would think about it and push it down and move on to the next experience, right?
That's what I was doing. And after this happened, under these bright, stark lights, as he's putting his pants on, he just asks me straight up, hey, do you want to be fuck buddies?
And I remember in that moment, just hearing those words come out of his mouth, I was like, no, like I know what that is and I don't know what that is. But I didn't have the words or the word, which would have been no.
And I just wanted to just like move on and I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to want me. Oh my God, is he saying he wants to do this again with me?
That must mean there's something worthy or desirable about me, right? Even though everything's kind of showing me that that is not the case at all. That's not how he sees me.
And for him to like me, I should give him what he wants. He wants to do this? Okay, I need to be that for him.
That's how this works, right? That's how these exchanges go. I definitely didn't like that term.
I didn't like those words. It was definitely not what a girlfriend was. I knew that.
I was picking up on all of this. I was smart. I was aware.
But I had all these things running in my energy, in my brain, all this programming, all these traumas that were unprocessed. And I was acting out in all of these ways that felt like I was not driving the car.
Like, I am not driving my own narrative here. I am in something that I feel like I am trapped in. That's how it kind of felt.
So I said something like, oh yeah, cool. Yeah, okay. Pretending like it's totally fine and move forward.
I continued to work with him, and then I would see him out occasionally. There were more moments when we'd run into each other at a club or a bar, at a party, and he'd end up coming over to my place.
And to me, it did feel like I was like, it feels like this is some form of relationship in the fact that I'm now seeing him regularly, like, with some consistent cadence, and I'm working with him, right?
He's being friendly at work, and then I'm seeing him and we're being intimate. Like, this is some form of relationship. It's just not on the terms that I would have wanted in any way.
And running into him was fun. He was usually friendly, and then we just have sex later. And at some point, I think he just started coming over.
So he knew where I lived, and he would just come over to my house, like, just walk down the stairs and just, like, come into my room. And I don't think he even had my phone number, but, yeah, he knew where I lived, and this was kind of just a thing.
One night, I was actually sleeping, like, I was in bed. I'd never been out.
And he just came over, and he sat on the edge of my bed, and he was holding two hot dogs covered in raw onions, and he just eats a whole hot dog, and he's like, I'm gonna put this other one in the fridge for after. I'm like, what is my life?
Like, what is this? And, you know, after eating this onion-covered hot dog, he just starts kissing me, and I remember he had a very specific smell. His scalp and his hair and his skin smelled like the hospital.
I can smell it now, and I don't know if you know what this smell is. It's almost like an antiseptic-type smell. It reminded me of being in the hospital.
And I didn't particularly enjoy actually having sex with him. And it's funny that that didn't even cross my mind. Like, does this feel good?
Do I enjoy this? Am I getting anything out of this? Those were not questions, as far as I remember, that I was asking myself.
I was just like, oh, does this person like me? Am I good enough for this person? And something familiar started happening.
And when we were having sex, he started to put his hand over my face. And this was the same thing that had happened with Creepy Josh, who I've talked about a few episodes ago. So he would take his hand, he would just shove it into my face.
He would cover my eyes, my nose, my mouth, and press my head into the bed or into the pillow. And he wouldn't look at me. He wouldn't acknowledge me.
And I felt invisible. It felt very demeaning. It was like I was not a part of this exchange at all.
And beyond that, it felt like he was exerting control over me. And he was stronger and bigger than some of the other guys I had been with. And so it did feel like, oh, if he wanted to, he could easily overpower me in this scenario.
That never happened. But what was happening is that he continued to do this. And for me, subconsciously, what was getting ingrained was it's like he's putting me in my place.
He's showing me that I don't matter. And I don't think he was intending to hurt me physically, but it certainly was hurting me on many other levels, even if that was not intentional. But I think he wasn't even there with me in any way, shape or form.
Like he was going somewhere else. And if I look back on even the first time that this happened, he had not shoved his hand in my face or pushed me down like that, but he had been talking about my friend. Do you know what I mean?
He was not in that exchange with me at all. He was somewhere else, and I was just the body that was there with him. So when he would leave, I would feel really empty.
I would feel hollow. I would feel grief. And how I would deal with that would be, I just need to see him again.
I hope he still likes me. I hope he'll come over again. There was like this weird hope loop going on, which if he shows up again, then it means I'm worthy.
Then it means I'm okay, even though the act of what was happening felt so bad. And then I'd see him at work the next evening, and things would be normal.
He would be just nice, or I'd run into him at a party, and he'd be drunk, and he would dance with me. And it was really fun. He was super fun when we were out, but things were not matching up.
Do you know what I mean? I really had nowhere to put this experience. It was like there was these different versions of this person that acted differently in these different places.
There was all these little boxes of all these different experiences, and I had nowhere to put this.
And because it was ongoing, I somehow thought that naturally this would change over time Every time we would get together, I'd be like, Oh, he knows me a bit more now. He's going to like me at some point, or he's going to stop covering my face.
He's going to see who I am, or he's going to see me as me. I somehow thought this, because that is a natural thing. The more time you spend with someone, naturally you form a deeper bond, right?
Even as friends, even as coworkers, you are building a relationship from the first moment you meet. You're expanding that. So I just thought, well, the more time we spend, the more we're going to build something.
And I felt like I was developing this bond with him and just wanted him to like like me back. I'm like, we're building connection. This has to change, right?
But that didn't happen. And there was one night where I was out with my friends. He was there.
He bought me some drinks and we danced. And the next memory I have of that evening, I am opening my eyes. It's extremely bright.
There's this really, really bright overhead light. Like I feel like I'm in like a spotlight. So everything's really bright.
And I feel like I'm like, I can't move my body. Like I feel like cement. What the, like I can't move.
I can't really lift my arms. I can't move my legs and my head even. It just, it's like I am in a fog.
I'm so hazy. I can barely keep my eyes open. And everything just hurts.
I have my body just hurts. I am completely naked. Like once I'm kind of like I'm stuck here, but as I kind of like feel into it, I'm like, I'm not wearing clothes.
And I kind of like tilt my head a little bit, and I kind of can see, I'm like, yeah, there's no clothes here because I feel cold, right? I'm really exposed. I'm not wearing clothes at all.
And I am splayed out like a starfish on a bed that is fully stripped down. So there's no duvet cover. There's no sheets.
There's nothing. I'm completely naked splayed out on this bed. And I'm in a room that I've never seen before.
I've never been here before. And I'm in a place that I've never been before. I don't recognize this room.
I don't recognize this house. And I see Anton. He's standing at the foot of the bed.
He's wearing boxers. And it looks like he's about to get dressed. And beside him is another man who's fully naked.
And he's picking his socks up off the floor. And I'm just trying to take all of this in. And I try to speak, because I'm like, okay, do they not see me?
And all that comes out is like this groan. It's like, ugh, you know, like this groan. And they both kind of look over at me, and then they keep talking.
And I'm like, I think I recognize this other guy, but I can't put it together. Like, I don't know where I know him from, and I just can't keep my eyes open any longer, and I just fall back asleep. And this is like very hazy, right?
There's something like not going on here. I can't access my brain. And I've drank a lot before, right?
Like, I've talked about having moments where I've had to, like, put memories together or blacking out things like this. This was different. This was like incapacitation.
There's nothing I can put together. It's all gone. And I could not physically move at all.
I could barely talk. And I just felt so tired. I don't remember waking up again.
I don't know how I got home. And I don't know what conversations were had about what happened. Because I don't know what happened at all.
I'm pretty sure, as far as I remember, I just slept the next day. Like somehow I end up at home. I don't know how I got there.
And I just sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. A day later, I'm back at work at this restaurant. And I definitely have feelings about going into work because I don't really know how to process what happened to me.
I don't even know what happened to me. I can discern some things based on the players and the situation and the way that my body felt after. Like, I know stuff happened, but I don't know what.
So I show up at the restaurant. I'm walking through the kitchen. And I realize that the other guy who was there that night is one of the chefs at the restaurant.
And instantly, like, he just turns around and I see his face and it's just like, shame. It's like a shame bomb goes off. And I'm just flashing back, being on this mattress, under these bright lights, completely naked.
They're getting dressed. And all I can think of is, I don't know what happened. I don't know what they saw.
I don't know what they did. This total stranger who also isn't a complete stranger because I'm aware of him. I actually work with him.
I don't believe I know his name. But he has seen the most private and vulnerable parts of me and likely done things to my body, that I have no idea what those things were. And at some point, this is all kind of, you know, hitting me.
There must have been a conversation. There must have been a nod or an interaction between this chef and Anton, where they brought me to this house, where they took my clothes off, or that they decided to get naked.
They must have talked about that or had some form of agreement, whether that was verbal or not. And whatever that was, I was not conscious for it. I was not awake.
And I will never know. I do know that I couldn't move for a very long period of time and that I couldn't stay awake. I do know that they left me lying there.
I was cold and I couldn't move or speak for myself. No one covered me up in a blanket or a sheet. I had no pillow under my head.
All of that is what's stuck in my mind. And I see this guy's face and I'm just like, oh my God, like this is a lot. And the job didn't last long.
Whatever anxiousness I had starting the job when I didn't know how to do it and it was all new to me, now I had like compounding anxiousness by this, I don't know, really complicated relationship with Anton and now this experience with this chef.
And so I quit the job and then I don't see Anton as much. And it's actually not something that I necessarily thought about a lot. And maybe that sounds crazy.
Maybe it doesn't. I don't really know. Partly though, it was because I like wasn't present for most of it.
And so for me, like I only have these brief memories of before, when I was like having these drinks out somewhere else, and then the after when I like woke up the first time, and then I woke up at home. And I don't think I knew what to do with that.
And I'd already had felt so much shame, like leading up to all of this, that I felt it just belonged deep down, right? And it just went there. It went down with the rest of these memories, that I didn't know what to do with.
And no one around me was, I don't know, talking about, is that okay? Is that not okay? How does that make you feel?
And like I mentioned before, I was witnessing and seeing things, and people were doing things all the time that didn't make me feel comfortable or safe. And so it was kind of normalized that this is a part of what happens in a way.
And I just didn't feel empowered to like talk about it very much. I didn't know who I could talk to about it. And I had so many experiences now with people in authority.
You know, someone that I thought or just assumed like I could trust, right? Or who's like in a role that's like a fatherly role or a protective role.
And they had shown me what they actually thought of me, where I had been deduced to a puddle of shame, where I had been made fun of, where I had been not taken seriously, where I had been put in my place or not respected, you know?
Male friends and acquaintances, colleagues, my boss, the owner of the first place I lived, an actual RCMP officer, like all of these people had shown me that it wasn't safe to even just exist.
So why would it be safe to tell someone about this experience with people who were not safe, like, I didn't, yeah, I didn't know what to do. And so I didn't really see Anton much after that. And soon I developed this, like, weird rash on my butt.
Again, sorry, all of this is, like, very graphic, but it's very real, like, this is what happened. And I was used to getting all sorts of weird skin stuff, right? So I was like, oh, my skin's being weird, like, okay.
But at some point, I needed, I'm like, this feels different. And like, I need to get this checked out.
And I don't need to tell you how yucky or embarrassing it feels to have to go into a walk-in clinic and show strangers, you know, a rash on your butt. I don't need to do that.
But let alone, you know, in a small town where you actually know the doctors because you serve them their morning coffee and their breakfast sandwich repeatedly, you know? So I end up at the clinic. They call my name, call me in to see a doctor.
I work up my nerve because I've been working myself up to be able to even talk about this. Again, I'm really stuck in my voice. I'm shy, I'm embarrassed.
But there's like this nice, you know, friendly, like newish younger female doctor. And I'm like, okay, here we go. She's like, what are you in for today?
And I was like, so I have this like weird rash on my butt. And so she's getting me to take my pants off and she's looking. And then someone knocks on the door, she covers me up and they're like, oh, you know what?
Sarah's actually in with the wrong doctor. You're meant to be with a different Sarah. And I'm just thinking, I'm like, can't we just like move on?
Does it matter? But no, no, I have to put my pants back on, go wait again. And they call me in to see a different doctor.
So I have to do this all over again. And now it's with an older male doctor. I know they see this stuff all the time.
To a doctor, it is whatever, but it's just a lot, right? Especially like because it's connected to sex, it's embarrassing. And especially when he tells me, he's like, lie back.
And then he's like, just imagine a beautiful beach scene. And on the ceiling, there's like this poster of like a beach in Hawaii. And I'm like, this is so bad.
Like I just, it makes it worse. Do you know what I mean? So it turns out I have an STI.
I have chlamydia. You have chlamydia. It's common.
He's like, this could affect you, but just take the medication. And so I do. And one day during work, I'm up front doing my thing and Baker answers the phone and tells me like, hey, this is for you.
I'm like, I get a phone call at work, weird. Now the phone is situated on the wall in very public view.
Everyone in the kitchen can see and hear what's happening and everyone in the front of the bakery and the staff up there can see and hear you when you're on the phone.
It's a loud environment, so you can't like hear anyone else on the other line, but it's just really public. It's very exposed. And so I answer the call, and it's someone from a sexual health organization.
I'd never heard of them before. I didn't know this was a thing that existed, but they're like, hi, we're following up about your STI. And I'm like, what, how do they know I have this infection?
And I guess they actually track it. They're like, we need to track these kind of things so that other people don't get infected. Like it's a thing.
So they have my name on this list. And then as I'm standing there, like with tongs on my hand, I've got an apron. I'm in the middle of my work day.
People are surrounding me. There's like bread coming in and out of the oven. People walking by.
They're just like, oh, we need to have a list of all the names of your sexual partners so we can add them to this list of possible disease carriers. And like, I just, I was not prepared for that call.
And I had to like state Anton's full name and the length of time that we had been sleeping together. I don't know if the time period, it's like I had to list anyone else. It was a lot.
And I was trying to keep my voice down because I'm like, even if I say his name, I'm like, someone's going to know who this is. Like, what if someone hears me? What does this even mean?
I don't have a voice. I don't even know how to talk about this. And after that call, I just, I'm kind of hit with this other layer of this, which is like, I have been given a disease.
Like, this was passed along to me. And then I imagined, just like the person on the phone who was describing how this kind of thing works, like tracking disease and trying to mitigate it and stop it from spreading.
And I, like, imagine this chain of all of the people that I have no idea of who, you know, Anton slept with or who he is sleeping with. And then I realized that there was this other guy. And I'm like, I don't even know this other guy's name.
Like, that hit me really hard. And I was already in a place where I struggled to speak, to talk about sex, like I said.
And so, it was very hard to admit to an adult human, stranger over the phone, a professional in public, that I could even like done this, and that this had occurred. Like, there was some gravity to that conversation.
And I'll also tell you, like, there were many ramifications for me after this. Not just this one experience, but all of these experiences. I experienced a lot of problems with my sexual organs years later.
I developed severe abdominal pain, sexual pain. I developed high-risk precancerous cells on my cervix, and I was diagnosed with cervical dysplasia. I had suspected endometriosis.
I had horrible periods. And there was a time where I was told, like, it's highly probable, like, you're not going to get pregnant. And when I look back on all of this, it's like, that is no surprise, right?
That is no surprise at all. And I just see this as energy. And it's like every interaction that we have with another human being, we're engaging with their energy.
Like, it affects us, and it can infect us. And when you're actually getting sexual with someone, like, to me, that's one of the most intense forms of energy exchange that you can have with a person.
And through so much of my healing, especially when it comes to the metaphysical parts of this journey and just like, you know, the visions that I see when I connect with my body, or I'm having memories, that kind of thing, like, I've seen and felt
all of the people that I've been with and how their energy has been transferred to me. And then it's been stored in my sexual organs. And this also means I have felt all of the stuff that they were holding at the time.
Everything that they were bringing to the equation, their energy, how they felt about life, what they were doing to me, and all of the energy of the partners that they'd also slept with.
So when you can kind of see and feel that web, it's really intense. And you see the energy that's been created and then how it's been stored in the body. And I'm like, this is what I've been holding on to.
This has gotten so heavy that I am having all of these very physical debilitating problems.
And deep down, I knew what I wanted was intentional experiences, where it felt like I was actually choosing the best possible person for me or scenario for me. But over time, I just believed that they didn't exist anymore.
Not for other people, but for me. I always had that, it's a very victim type of mentality. I felt like a victim and I became a victim.
Do you know what I mean? I made my way into that and then lived it out. That's where I ended up.
And years later, when I was visiting town, after I'd moved to BC, I was just grabbing a coffee and I ran into Anton, which is also surprising because sometimes you don't know, you're like, do people still live in the town or have they moved on, who
knows? And I was really surprised, to be honest, that he even knew who I was. And he hugged me, he was super friendly. He's like, oh, you look so good.
It's so nice to see you. And it was the oddest thing because it did not match up with my memories and what I took away from our time together. And after that, I was like kind of shaken.
And I was like, it just hit me. I was like, how different, like just how different was his experience of our time together?
And likely his experience was very different, his perspective, and that he probably had no idea how much all of that had affected me. And at no point had likely even thought about what my experience was at all. And that really kind of blew my mind.
I'm like, I don't think he ever saw it that way. I don't think that was his lived experience. I don't think he knew or felt any of the things that I was going through.
And I will say again, like I was not telling him any of this, right? I was never expressing how I felt. I was going along with things, but I was very trapped.
And then there were moments where I'm like, a lot of that not okay. Like there should have been some boundaries there where that should have been known. But regardless, I was just like, wow, this is how this has affected my life.
And I don't know if it's affected his, I don't think it had, just based on that type of interaction. So I'm actually picking this up after already having recorded an ending months ago, and I've had to really sit with things.
It's taken me, I think maybe four months now.
After I recorded this, to just really process all of that, I have spoken to how that's shown up for me in a past episode, episode 20, Time Out, where I just kind of talked about what it's looked like to revisit a lot of these experiences.
And yeah, it's been a reckoning. It's been a mess. There have been times where I really just don't want to think about any of this.
I've rethought if I want to share it, but I keep coming back to a really strong sense of, I know this is important, this feels important, this feels important for me first and foremost, and perhaps it's important for someone else.
I really don't know, but it has taken me a really long time to kind of be ready to put this episode out, and some of the past ones too. It's just, I'm like, I feel uncomfortable, or it doesn't feel right. And so, I'm hopping back here.
I was ready to put this out, but then I had a moment last week where I woke up and I was crying, and I realized that I haven't even really named or been able to name what actually happened to me, and I hadn't thought that was important.
But when I listened back to how I ended this episode, I felt like it was unfinished, and I felt like there was something I still wasn't coming to terms with or hadn't processed, and this came to me the other morning.
And it was almost as if I couldn't say what had truly happened. I couldn't label it or put true words to it, because if I did that, then it would mean that it actually happened. And that may not make sense.
Maybe it does, because I have described what has happened and what I remember and what's come back to me in this experience, but I've kind of felt into what is that? Like, what am I not saying? Why am I not saying it?
I think there's a big part of me that is truly afraid that people won't believe me. It's almost as if I say this thing happened to me. What if somebody questions that?
Or what if they criticize it? Or what if they tell me that it doesn't matter?
Or as if it hadn't happened, because that was essentially my entire experience at this age, was all of these things were happening, and it was feeling like it wasn't happening.
Like I was getting instilled with all of these memories and moments and experiences, but it was as if it wasn't real, because it wasn't acknowledged outside of my own inner lived world.
And I truly understand now even more so how it can be re-traumatizing to revisit certain experiences.
I almost thought that I'd already come to terms with this, because I felt like, okay, I can talk about this, and I've thought about this so many times. But that was very mental.
I wasn't feeling the emotions, and I certainly was not feeling what was stored in my body. I feel like as if all of these different parts of myself were really protecting me from this because I couldn't process it, possibly until right now.
Right now, I'm like, oh, this is the perfect moment. This is the moment when I was supposed to come to terms with this. So, the other morning when I woke up, and I was crying and I was like a little disoriented, I just said these words out loud.
And I said, 20 years ago, I was drugged and raped by two men. And that happened to me. I don't know if it was premeditated, but truly to do something like this, you would need to plan it.
That you would need to make conscious decisions about putting something in my drink. I had only had three drinks that evening, and I was unconscious. And I knew one of these men, and I didn't know the other, but they knew each other.
And there was just a lot to that for me. Being able to say that out loud, say those words, it did something for me. And up until this point, I haven't been prepared to say that.
It's almost like because I've never said it, or I've never truly acknowledged it out loud, or I've never really discussed it. I just, I don't know, I had felt so gross and ashamed and confused by all of it, that I almost chose to live in the dark.
And leading up to having this one specific experience, I had had so many things happen up until this point that had just been laying the groundwork for all of these feelings of shame and rejection and worthlessness and disempowerment, everything
essentially that I've talked about in this series so far. So if I go back to where I started this story with my friend, who was seeking purely sexual experiences with people that she didn't know, I understand why I reacted the way that I did now, and
why my body wasn't really catching up with my mind and my emotions. It was all very confusing and confronting at the time, but it makes so much sense.
The consequences of my sexual experiences by the age of 21 were life-altering for me of how I have felt about myself, of how I have approached relationships with everyone, but especially with men and with love and with sex and with my body.
And after this time, I began to live in a state of hypervigilance, I was completely and utterly in this mode of needing to protect myself at all times, of feeling like I was in danger, of not even knowing that true love or true compassion or
connection at a deep level was possible for me and was safe. That just was not my experience and that had almost been imprinted into my energy and into my body. So, yeah, this has been so life altering for me that I'm here today, right?
I've been spending months revisiting this, and I will continue to talk about more experiences that I've had from this point on. You know, what does it look like in modern time after having had these experiences and not processed them?
I've got a lot to share about that and what that journey has looked like. And I can go back now to, I think, it was my second episode where I talked about what occurred, a big part of my breakdown, about nine years ago.
And there's a moment in that time where I was having a sexual experience and my body just shut down, completely shut down. And I heard this buzzing sound of fluorescent lights.
And it was like I was seeing this flash of light, and I was hearing this sound, and I froze. My entire body shut down, and I froze, and I started crying. And it was so confusing and upsetting and embarrassing.
And now that memory has come back to me in new light, because from this experience I just shared, where I was under these bright lights, that's been a big part of it, and that sound and that emptiness, I've merged and connected those two experiences
together. So, essentially, nine years ago is when this kind of broke for me, and my body was like, no, no, you're not safe, you're not safe. It's not safe to be with other people. It's not safe to share your body with someone.
And that's when it truly broke for me. And up until that point, I had just really been holding all of this in and continuing on with my life, not processing. And that has had, again, huge consequences.
And the conclusion that I've come to and that I've been saying to myself is, this is not my fault. What I experienced was not my fault. But it is my responsibility.
If I want to feel better, if I want to heal, if I want to be open to living in a new way of feeling different in my body, in my life, in my relationships, then it is my responsibility.
And that's what I've been doing by investigating and revisiting and moving through all of this. And that I can look at this younger version of myself and realize that she is me and I was her, and there's nothing wrong with her.
And I can say, hey, I'm really sorry you went through that. And you know what? I'm here now and I can hold this with you.
And we're going to move you out of this space and you're going to feel better. And you are not alone.
And just as I'm saying that, I'm saying that not just to this younger version of myself, not just to this current version of myself, I'm saying it to all of us, to everyone who has experienced things that have made them feel so isolated, or things
that you've experienced that have turned you against yourself, or made you feel like there was something horribly wrong with you. I'm saying that to all of us. And I am so grateful to be able to share this.
Even if we think about at this moment in time, the fact that I am able to speak and share and put this out publicly for other people to listen to is a pretty big deal. And I know that I'm really grateful for that. So thank you.
Thank you for listening. Thank you for following along.
If you have up until this point, and I've got much more to share, I might link my Sacred Rage playlist, something that I was using to process through some of this throughout the past couple months. Again, it might be too heavy.
It might make you laugh. It might be ridiculous, but it's been a part of my process, and I would like to share that. I've got more of the journey to come, but this felt like a really pivotal point for me, just personally.
So yeah, thank you. Thank you so much, and I will talk to you again soon. Bye.
