Hawaiian breeze era
The fifth episode in my formative sex & relationship series.
New depths of emotion emerge as I move out on my own and encounter some unfamiliar scenarios with oh-so familiar undertones.
*Heads up* I mention sex in this episode
In this series:
Ep 14 :: Seeding disenchantment
Ep 16 :: Petroleum engineering smart
Ep 17 :: Sex and the city
Ep 18 :: Part of the job
Cleaning my first basement apartment, 2004
The carcinogenic signature scent of this era 🌺🌴🍍🌺
My favourite pastime-drawing tourists ✏️📓
Mature apartment decor, complete with sexy Corey Hart poster & red rabbit curtains
🏂❄️🧤⛷️
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This is Divine Interruption. I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin. Hi.
Okay, today I want to pick back up where I left off in this series about relationships. And you probably want to follow along episode by episode because they build on each other, but not necessary.
So where I left off last time, I was living in this mountain town in Jasper National Park. I had worked over the summer and had a couple of experiences that were a little darker that kind of solidified a few feelings that I had about myself.
And at the end of that summer, I remember thinking, I don't know what I'm going to do now. Like I had left university. That wasn't for me.
I had left home. I was now living in this other town. I had been working at this bakery and I just couldn't see the next step.
And my friend was planning on moving back home to the city, getting a different type of job. And I wasn't sure I wanted to go. I didn't feel ready.
I wanted to be on my own. I wanted to give this place a shot. So I ended up moving out of the house that we'd stayed in and finding my own apartment.
So this is my first apartment I ever moved into by myself. It was a basement suite right in the middle of town. And I remember writing my first check for the rent for $500 and not even like signing the check because I'd never written a check before.
And they came back to me, they were like, oh, you didn't sign any of your rent checks. I'm like, oh, I have to do that? So it was very, very new.
And it just felt like this could be a fresh start. This is my time of independence. This is a rite of passage, and I want to be able to make it on my own.
And it's funny, everything from that time, you know how we connect with, I don't know, certain visuals, certain sounds, certain smells, and they remind us of something, like you pick up that Dr.
Pepper lip balm, and you're like, oh my gosh, this reminds me of Grade 8, things like that.
For me, everything in that apartment is flavored by the scent of a Hawaiian Breeze Glade air freshener, because at that time, I was using these air fresheners, and I had such a small space, but it was always Hawaiian Breeze. It was orange.
Like, no wonder I have so many chemical sensitivities now. I was essentially just, like, poisoning myself from a young age. But everything from that era is of this signature scent.
So, I really struggled, actually. I thought it was just the start of something really new and beautiful and empowering, but I was really lonely. Like, I really struggled.
I was used to being around people that I knew, and even over the summer, you know, I had lived with my friend. There was, like, a stability there. There was a safety there.
And now, I was in my own space, but I didn't know people that well. And when the summer died down, a lot of people left, right? Like, the town gets cut in half.
All of these people leave. So, there's less people. And that's a really beautiful time, too.
I know, especially for locals there, it's like, oh, thank goodness, all the tourists are leaving. And then they've got their core group of people who have lived there for years and keep the town going.
And there's more peace and calm and just enjoyment of town. And there was some of that in the fall. I was like, oh, you know, there's like a freshness and a difference in the seasons.
And it was easier to get to know locals more, right? I'm insane with my coworkers, but it still felt really isolating. It was small.
And the mountains, while beautiful, they're almost like oppressive for me. I felt very like trapped in this space. And I did meet some people.
So I did have some coworkers who would reach out and invite me to things who were really trying. And at times, I would do things. But I was also, I was still me.
And I look back, I'm like, aw, like you were really introverted. You just didn't know it, you know? I was very shy, very sensitive.
But again, I wasn't fully aware of those qualities of myself yet. And I got quite anxious. So I found myself getting upset a lot.
And this is what I remember. I would have these moments where it was like almost like to a level of despair. I'm like, I'm so lonely.
I feel so afraid and so sad. It's like I was alone finally, maybe for the first time in my life as an adult now. You know, I was only 19, but with all of these feelings.
And I had collected a lot of feelings and experiences up until this point. And I'd never processed any of it because, I don't know, you're growing up, you don't even know what is yours, what isn't, what is life, right?
You're just kind of going headfirst into all of these things and experiences. But what I found was that I was just socked with so much grief that I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know why it was there.
Just a lot of things that I had suppressed growing up, even learning how to express myself. Like things were starting to come up when I was alone and I was quiet, and that was very uncomfortable.
And I'd get almost worked up into these states of pure anxiousness, almost like, oh my God, I feel like I'm going to explode and I don't know what to do.
Like the emotions were so palpable and I felt so trapped, that I would go for these really long walks sometimes, even at night, and I would just hope that some random person, like this was my fantasy, would run into me and be like, are you okay?
And then I would just explode with tears and like they would give me a hug or something or some reassuring words. Like these were the fantasies that I was having. Because again, I'm like, oh, I didn't even know what was going on with me.
I didn't know I had all this unprocessed stuff inside of me. And there were other times when I would stare at my phone, like I would write in my journal sometimes, or I'd write a letter to a friend.
And I had this tiny cell phone at this point now that my parents had given me. It had to be plugged in. So it was essentially just a home phone.
It never left my apartment. But I remember staring at it when I would have these episodes of like just panic and emotional distress. And I would be like, I need to call someone.
Who can I call? And I would think of all my friends. And I'd be like, can I call them?
I should call them. And I'm like, no, it's too much. You're too much.
You're going through something. Because I wanted to put the emotions somewhere, but at the same time, it didn't feel quite right to dump them on someone. But I also wanted someone to be with me to go through those emotions with me.
So it was a weird time. I tended to like talk myself down. Sometimes I would cry myself to sleep, and that was how I would like come down from those moments.
And yeah, I just had like a lot of obsessive behaviors that helped me cope with that. And it's interesting, I look back, I'm like, oh, I had really, really strong anxiety. But again, there weren't really words for that.
That wasn't something people talked about. And I only really connected with the parts of myself that I was presenting on the outside. Because I always thought that's who I was supposed to be.
So all of these internal emotions and feelings, I didn't resonate with them. Like, I'm like, I don't know what this is. I would just know that I would have these really intense episodes of grief and crying and anxiety.
But I would say like, that's not me. So I had this way of just suppressing everything more. I had never learned how to express anything.
So I would just continue to shove it down and be like, that was weird. You know, whoa, what was that all about? And then move on.
And so that was how I was coping with things. I would just always override my feelings. And then every experience I would have that might, I don't know, trigger those feelings or add to those feelings, I would continue to just push them down.
So over the summer that I worked and then going into the fall, I had gotten to know some of the people I worked with quite well. And my boss, he was the same age as my brother. So about eight years older than me in his like late twenties at the time.
And he was a part of a group of guys in town who were always out doing active things and they like owned a bike shop. So they would come in every day, you'd get to know them, you knew what their orders were. They would always chat to you.
And yeah, we're best friends with my boss. And they always seemed very cool. Again, it's like when your boss, someone who's above you, older than you, like I attributed a lot to this person because of his age and that, you know, he was in control.
And he also seemed cool, you know, he's like, Oh, cool boss. Wow. You know, and in this group of friends, there was one of the guys, he only stayed seasonally.
So he lived in New Zealand for half the year, and then he would also live in Jasper for the other half of the year. And he was just like nice. And he wasn't as intimidating, right?
He was a little bit, I don't know, just like funny and interesting. And dare I say like safe, he felt like someone who wasn't going to make me feel uncomfortable or like less than.
Whereas based on all the experiences I'd already had, guys in general, I was quite intimidated by them, especially if they were around my age or a little bit older.
They always had this like cache where I was like, oh wow, like they're cooler than me. They're in control. They don't like me.
They're dangerous. Do you know what I mean? I never really felt safe.
And so this guy, he just felt a little bit more friendly. And he bantered with me and I was like, oh, you know, like he's really nice. And so I connected with his energy.
And one day, an older coworker, she was like, do you have a crush on him? And I was like, what? And I got so embarrassed.
I was not expecting that. It was like my own thing. I had, I didn't talk openly about anything like this.
I was still really young and I was really embarrassed about everything. I didn't know how to talk about relationships. I didn't know how to talk about sex.
I didn't know how to talk about any of it. It was very uncomfortable for me. And so she's like, oh, you like him.
You really like him. And she kind of knew him because she'd worked there for years. And I was like, I don't know.
You know, I don't know. And then I thought, okay, it'll just stay between us. And then the next day, my boss comes up to me and he's like, so I hear you like so and so.
And I was like, what? And I was so embarrassed because again, this is like one of his close knit friends. Everybody knows who it is.
This is my boss asking me about this. And he's like, yeah, well, you know, he's leaving soon to go home back to New Zealand. And should we get him to come say goodbye?
Like would that be really nice? And I remember feeling kind of like a child. I was like, okay, like this is weird.
So he's saying that he's like open to like hanging out with me. Like I don't know what's going on. And then over the coming week, his friends would come in again, this whole crew of bike shop guys.
And it became very apparent that they all somehow knew that I had a crush on him. And when he would come in or talk to me, I could see that the friends around him were kind of like laughing and watching and I was like, oh my God, like they all know.
So obviously, this coworker told my boss and my boss told his friends and that must mean that the guy knows. And so it became a bit of a thing.
And I don't know how this happened, but they somehow convinced him or told him to give me a ride home one day from work. And it was like he was leaving soon. And it was this thing where he's like, hey, do you want to ride home?
And I was like, oh my God, does this mean he likes me? So he gives me a ride home, all very innocent and nice. And he gives me his e-mail and he's like, oh, we should stay in touch.
I want to stay in touch with you. And I was over the moon. So I left and I was like, oh, have a good time.
I'll see you next season, whatever. And I just remember being like, oh my God, my crush gave me his e-mail address. So he must have actually liked me.
It was all worth it, whatever. I don't need to be embarrassed about this. And I remember sending him, like agonizing over an e-mail to send, like, what do I send to this guy?
And trying to like just come up with something really funny. And I don't know what I said, some sort of joke, some sort of like just checking in. And I took a picture of myself or some pictures of myself with a fridge.
Now, I can't tell you, I remember what this was. It was obviously some sort of inside joke about something we talked about. But I found these photos years later in my old email account, and I was just like, oh my god, no.
And it was me standing in front of an open fridge, giving a thumbs up or something. So cringey. But anyway, it meant something.
And I just, again, wanted to communicate with him. I was like, I like you, I'll give him a picture. It was funny.
Do you know what was quite innocent? It wasn't sexy or anything like that, because that's not what this felt like. I really liked him, but the way that I communicated was in a very innocent, playful way.
I don't think we really stayed in touch. I don't think he ever wrote me back, to be honest.
And a couple months later, I remember hearing my boss talking to his friends, and they were laughing, and they were mentioning something about me and this fridge or these photos.
And I don't remember how I overheard it, but I remember realizing, I'm like, oh my god, this is so embarrassing. This guy told his friends, who include my boss, that I sent him this email, and he never emailed me back. He never liked me.
It wasn't even about me. Like, I was set up, and they like cheered me on. But really, it was just a big joke.
And to be honest, like, I just, I felt just like betrayed. It was just really embarrassing, and it was so juvenile.
It felt, again, like back in junior high school, this group of guys making fun of me, setting me up to fail so like they can humiliate me. And I just felt really led on. Again, it was all very innocent, but for me, that's where I was at too.
And I'm like, oh, he could have just been kind, or he could have been straightforward, or he didn't mean to give me his email if he didn't want to stay in touch with me.
And again, I don't know anything on his side, but it felt like this was all leading up to some sort of punchline, and they're just humiliating me, setting me up and laughing at me. And this was also my boss, and I'm like, oh my god.
You know, like it just felt really personal. So I start to make a few more friends in between these moments of like deep loneliness where I'm like out walking, or I'm drawing and crying in my room.
You know, there's a lot of entries about me feeling like work was the only place where I felt okay. But then when I would be alone, it was too much to deal with. And I was like, is this my life?
Am I just going to be at work? I just wish I didn't have a personal life because I didn't really, I didn't do anything. There was nowhere to go, no one to be with.
And so I didn't want to like focus on that. I just was like, I'll focus on work. I'll take extra shifts.
Then there was this feeling of when I'd get off work, this slow feeling of doom that would creep over as like, I don't know, the sun goes down and it gets later. There was only so much that I could do to hold off the yucky feelings.
So I started trying to just do more things. I hung out with one of my coworkers one evening talking, and she's asking me about guys and telling me about these relationships she had. And she's like, how many hookups have you had?
And honestly, I didn't really know what that was. When I looked back, I'm like, I didn't know what she was talking about. And she's like, yeah, like, don't you go to the bar and just like sleep with someone?
And I wasn't judging it at all. It wasn't like that. It was just like, I'm like, that's a thing that people do.
Like, I knew that I had met someone and slept with them that one time. And, you know, he was a stranger, essentially.
But the way that she was talking was like, this was a regular thing, just like meeting guys, getting wasted, and sleeping with each other, you know, it's just a thing. And I remember thinking, like, that feels like a really big deal. Like, wow.
But when she talked about it, she was very empowered. It sounded fun. Like, it was just a part of life.
This is what everybody did. And she'd been doing it for years, and she was kind of the same age as me. And I'm like, oh, okay.
This is like normal. And later that week, I went to an event and she invited me as her date. On the tables, they had bottles of white wine and red wine, and they would alternate.
And her and I just drank bottle after bottle of wine. Like, oh, we're gonna drink red, three glasses of red. Now we're gonna drink three glasses of white wine.
And I got so drunk. We stumbled back to this house. She was like house-sitting for someone, and she's brought along some guy from the event.
Like, he's with us. Make it to her house. I remember being in the bathroom and just like vomiting.
And she comes in, she's like, I need help with my eyelashes. And I'm like helping her peel off these fake eyelashes. And then I just like slump over the toilet.
And right outside the door, I hear her and this guy. And I'm like, oh no, like I'm trapped in the bathroom. And they're right outside the door.
And I can hear them like talking, and then they're making out. I'm like, oh my God, like they're having sex right against the door. I can't move, but I'm still awake.
And so I'm just kind of trapped in the bathroom. They're having sex against the door. And I was like, okay, I was exposed to something that was different.
I was like, okay, that was just normal. Like people just have sex with each other when they just first meet. It's like a normal thing.
It's no big deal. This could even be something fun. Like my friend was having fun the next day.
It was like no big deal. The guy left. He's like, bye.
And I was like, oh, that was all very new to me. And after that, I went to a concert with her. We went to see this local band play.
And sometimes there would be, you know, you start to notice like random people in town that you wouldn't recognize because you start to kind of know who everybody is.
And there would be large groups of guys coming in who would be working on the oil rigs. That was really common. Like they'd come for the weekend to party, go skiing or snowboarding, whatever.
And I met this guy there on the dance floor, and we were drinking and dancing. And it was just so much fun. Because I was like my happy place.
I was like, oh, I love to dance. And it just felt like I was being free, being open. After the event ends, we go outside.
Now, it is so cold. This is like dead of winter, Rocky Mountain cold. I'm wearing actual leggings underneath my jeans.
I've forgotten about that. I was like, yeah, it's so cold. The things that you wear are different.
It's like you wear long underwear. Now I'm like, what's long underwear? But I'm like, right.
It's actual clothes you wear under your clothes because it's so cold outside. So I remember wearing long underwear under my clothes, and we go to a playground, and we're on the swings, and we're just talking, and it's just fun.
And he's pushing me on the swings, and he's telling me about how he works on the oil rigs.
And it's super late, and I was just like, I have to actually work in a few hours because, again, I was working the early shift most of the time, so I had to be up for 4 a.m. in the morning kind of thing.
And he just walks me home, and then we start kissing, and he's just like, you know, he just comes in. And I'm like, okay, like, this is happening. You know, I let him know I do need to wake up in a few hours, but this is kind of fun.
Like, if you want to sleep here, that's okay. I didn't really know what I wanted. I just wanted to feel out these situations, and that helped me learn about myself.
Like, a lot of boundaries, I don't know, it's like you're learning what you're okay with and what you're not, what feels good, what doesn't.
And so I would enter into these scenarios and these experiences with people, not always knowing what to do or if something occurred, how I would feel. So I didn't know what I wanted to happen. I just wanted to see what it felt like.
And so I think we made out, some more stuff happened, but again, I'm like, oh, I'm not going to sleep with you. It just didn't feel right. I didn't feel ready.
It wasn't for me. I remember thinking, I'm like, I wonder if that's okay with him. Pass out, fall asleep, I get up early, I leave for work, I say goodbye.
I'm like, enjoy your day, whatever. He knows I'm going to go work at the bakery. And he's like, yeah, maybe I'll like, see you later.
Who knows? Maybe I'll be in town another time. It's like, whatever.
I knew it was just kind of an experience. I wasn't expecting anything else. I go to work, I open everything up, set out all the muffins and the bagels and all the things.
It's still super dark out. It's super late, again, dead of winter. I open the door, and a few minutes later, a group of guys walks in.
And I'm like, okay, they must work on the rigs. You can tell that they're like heading to go off to work. And he's there.
I was like, oh, okay, like, he's here. Oh, that's cool. And I say hi.
And his face is just like, he just has like dead eyes. He doesn't even look at me. He doesn't acknowledge me.
And I'm just being friendly. I know I'm probably never going to see him again, but I'm just like, oh, hey, how's it going? Nothing, nothing.
And it was just quite crushing. I'm like, I know you know who I am. I know you saw me a couple hours before.
You knew I was going to be here. You know, he's there with his buddies. They order a bunch of things.
And he just doesn't acknowledge that I even exist. And it was so shocking to me. I just felt so dismissed, so invisible.
And then this feeling washed over me again. And I'm like, oh, he only wanted to sleep with me. And there must be something so horribly wrong with me, or so shameful, or so embarrassing, that he would ignore me like this.
Like, why wouldn't he even say hi? Am I that embarrassing? Am I that ugly?
Like your brain goes to that place. And I was wondering, I was like, is it because I didn't sleep with him? Or is it because he's embarrassed that he even knows who I am?
Like, I just couldn't put it together, because for me, it was just like a decency thing. I was like, why wouldn't you just be kind or just nice? Like, I don't need anything from you.
I just want to be treated like a human being. So after that, you know, now this pattern is really starting to stick for me. I keep wondering, I'm like, how do I even interact with a guy if it's all set up to fail?
It feels like everything must be fake. When they tell me I'm beautiful, when they tell me I'm fun, when they try to get to know me, it feels like that must be real. But now I'm like, that's all fake because the end goal is just to get what they want.
And either I give that to them or I don't, but it doesn't matter because I can't trust anything that they say or do. In the end, all they're looking for is to sleep with me.
And if I don't sleep with them, they'll dispose of me because I wasn't able to deliver on what they wanted because that is all I'm valued for. That's all I have to offer. All I have to offer is something that isn't even connected to me.
It's not connected to my energy, my essence, nothing. It doesn't even matter that it's me, right? Like I learned that I like inherently had no value.
I was just a body, and I was a means to an end. Like they needed something from me. And so now I just feel like I can't trust anything that anyone says.
So I got really sick at that time. I was sick for a very, very long time. Like months on end, I would continually get throat issues, infections, sinus infections.
My immune system was just breaking down. And for me, it's so easy to look back and be like, Sarah, it's all connected. Like I had repressed so much for so long.
I was never expressing myself. I didn't know how to. I didn't know how to feel my feelings.
There was so much suppression happening, so much shame. I was just pushing back down. I was never talking or expressing any of this grief or these feelings or this anger or this pain that I was feeling.
And also, I didn't feel protected. Like, my immune system was breaking down. It's like I wasn't protecting myself.
I was opening myself up to these experiences, and how they would go would be really damaging to me. So my boundaries were really messed up. And I had to get my tonsils removed at age 20 because these infections would not stop.
I was having to go to the emergency room, and I just wasn't well. So their solution was, oh, we'll just take out your tonsils. And I would say, like, I do not recommend.
They say that it's very rare as an adult to get them taken out, and there's a reason for that. It's very invasive. It's extremely painful.
After that surgery, like, I woke up vomiting blood all over myself. Like, that's how I remember waking up. I got wheeled into an elevator, and there was this other old lady, and she's like, oh, hello, dear.
And I just, like, looked up at her, and then I just puked blood all over myself. I felt so bad. It was really intense.
So my body was talking to me this entire time. It never stopped. I just didn't know how to listen to it.
I didn't know what it was telling me, but I was really starting to lose myself. So that winter basically was a lot of being sick and a lot of working, and then a few other experiences in between.
And later on in December, I went back home for Christmas for a few weeks, which was really nice. My brother had also come back. I got to see a bunch of my friends, and it just made me feel like home.
I felt like people knew me. I felt like myself. And I kind of got buoyed up from that experience.
And my big Christmas gift that year was a television. And not only was it a television, but it had a VCR player and a DVD player in it. And that felt very exciting.
Now, it was technically a very small TV, like it had a very small screen. But in essence, as, you know, was a sign of the times, it was actually huge because it wasn't just a screen. It was a literal cube.
So when I was heading back to Jasper, my parents, you know, helped me pack it up so it would be safe. We loaded onto the Greyhound bus. It was a night bus.
So I arrived back in town really late, maybe even like early into the morning. I unload, you know, my backpack, my duffel bag, and then this huge boxed up TV. And I didn't live that far from where the bus dropped me off.
I don't know, an eight-minute walk, but that would have been on a normal day. But here I am in the middle of the night, and it's freezing cold, and there's not a lot of light, and the roads are just slick with ice.
This bus pulls away, and the few people that got off have kind of dispersed now. You know, they've been met by other people or they're driving home. And I'm like, oh, this is going to be hard.
I'm alone. And I realize, I'm like, oh, I'm not really strong enough or big enough to actually carry this TV box, especially with my other two bags that I've got. So it's really awkward.
I'm kind of stopping every few steps. I'm putting down the box. I'm readjusting my arms.
I'm slipping on the ice with my feet, and my hands and feet are starting to go numb. And it's that kind of cold where your eyelashes are starting to frost up, and I've got snot actually frozen on my skin under my nose.
And I just remember this so clearly because it was a really bleak moment. It felt like it was a metaphor just for my life there at that time.
This feeling of just being so alone and having to carry all this baggage that I just didn't know how to deal with. That's what it felt like.
So after attempting a few more times, I just end up sliding it kind of along the ice on the street and pushing it, which then turns into kicking it.
And so I'm kicking this box home, this new magical electronic gift, and I kick it all the way home to my apartment. And it was a really big deal to have a TV. It's not like I had a computer or a laptop or any other form of entertainment.
And this meant that now I could rent movies, and that was really exciting. So the next day, I set it all up. It looks fine, you know?
And then I pull out these newly burned DVDs that my brother had made for me. I think it was like Curb Your Enthusiasm, like season two. And I got it all ready to go.
I'm like, oh, I'm gonna watch my first show on my new TV. And I'm noticing like, oh, it's weird. It's like all black and white.
Oh, it must be because he burned these DVDs. There must be something wrong with them, or he could only get them off of a certain site. So I'm like, oh, I guess they're just in black and white.
Hmm, okay. I guess that's just the way it is. And then later that week, I actually rented some movies from the movie store.
And then the same thing happened. They're in black and white. And now I'm like, no, this isn't a DVD problem.
This is a TV problem. And then I flashed back to me kicking it along the icy roads all the way home. And I just felt so guilty.
I was like, I think I ruined this new gift, and it's black and white forever now. Anyway, these were the exciting new developments in my life at the time. And New Year's rolled around.
I got invited to a party, so I was starting to actually do things here and there. And somewhere in the mix, my friend who I'd lived with during the summer, she came back to visit. It was really nice.
It was really fun. We hung out with a few different people, and this included her boss from that summer. And I'd hung out with them, like their co-workers, and with him before.
He was about six years older. He was quite handsome. He was popular.
You know, there was usually some form of girl hanging out in his company. And this time when we're all hanging out, my friend drank too much. And while we're all together, she kind of tells him in this way.
She's like, you need to hang out with Sarah. Once I'm gone, you need to be around. You need to be friends, like kind of alluding to the fact that we should be hanging out.
And it was funny. It was awkward. I don't know.
I didn't really give it too much thought, but I did somehow end up giving him my phone number. But at this point, I've always felt I'm like, he's completely out of my league. He's over there doing his thing with all these other people.
And it just felt like it was this kind of amusing moment that we had. So a day or so later, my friend has to leave. It's super sad because I know I'm going to be alone again in this apartment.
And that same night, a few hours later, this guy calls me out of the blue. I'd seen him a couple days before, given him my number, and then he just calls me. I was super shocked.
I was not expecting this at all. And he says, you know, my VCR is broken. I have this movie.
Could I come over? Like, do you have a TV? And at that moment, I was just like, yes.
You know, you put your hands up to the sky and you're like, thank you, Santa Claus, for gifting me the magic of this new TV. Like, it's changing my life. So I tell him, I'm like, yeah, you know, like, I have this new TV.
And, you know, it's only in black and white, but if that's okay, then you should come over. And so he does. So he comes over to my place.
He's got a bottle of wine in his backpack. It was all very, like, romantic and we just had, like, a really awesome night. And guess what?
In terms of the TV. And when he looked at it, it turns out I had just put the cables in wrong.
So I'd been watching this thing for weeks, thinking I had broken its ability to perceive color, which I don't think makes any electrical or logical sense, when in reality I had just plugged it in wrong. So it was never me.
It was never actually destroyed that night, kicking it all the way home.
Anyway, so he was very mysterious in some ways, like he wouldn't talk about a lot of things, but he was kind, he was thoughtful, he was funny, and there was nothing like Icky about him.
There wasn't anything that felt like I wasn't safe with him in that way, like specifically him. I never really felt safe with men in general or in any sort of relationship scenario or whatever.
But him, he didn't feel like he was someone who was going to hurt me. Like I felt like I could trust his energy. He made me dinner.
I cooked dinner for him. He would invite me to these board game nights with his friends. He would stop by my work, and he would say hi, you know, like he was doing these really nice, thoughtful things.
And I was like, wow, okay, he's not embarrassed to be seen with me, as far as I can tell, you know. It just felt really fun and really nice. So I'll read a couple entries from my journal about how I was feeling about all of this.
So we've hung out quite a bit since that first time. Just about every second or third day for the past three weeks. The second time I saw him, I realized that he was really confident.
He doesn't seem to get worried about anything, and he's really comfortable with himself. It's good, but in comparison with where I am in my life right now, it's kind of hard for me to see that, since I'm still really trying to figure that stuff out.
He's 25, I'm 19. That's not so bad, but he has got six years on me and has already finished his degree and such. But it's been nice.
I mean, I still don't really know where he's coming from. I don't know if he's looking for other things or what he wants. I don't even know when he's leaving Jasper or what.
But so far, I've basically been able to take it for what it's worth and just enjoy my time with him. He's always really kind and he kisses me in a very affectionate way.
It's just whenever I leave or when he leaves, I get this feeling that I'm not going to see him again. That he's not going to call me again. That he's given up on me or he's moved on to better things.
That he's gotten tired of me. That I'm boring. It's just that my experience with this stuff has always been that I've been let down every time just about.
I just don't really know how these things work. And if I'm just seeing him or dating him or whatever, confusing, I don't want to get too attached to him either or to the situation.
And it's just, I don't want to wreck things or find out that yet again I am for some reason undesirable. God, I can't believe I'm even writing this garble.
It sounds so corny and pathetic, like I'm some sick victimized puppy who can't fend for herself who depends on a relationship. Well, I don't. I'm never even in a relationship.
Maybe that's why I get so worked up about this stuff and worry too much because of my inexperience. And I'm also a Pisces. Too much imagination for my own good.
Building everything up to be the ultimate dream. One day, I will learn. And for now, hopefully, I can just appreciate all of my experiences and let go.
And at one point, like even we did have sex, I was like, okay, like, I'm ready to do this. I think this is this person. I really like him.
It feels more safe. So on January 19th, 2005, at 10:45 p.m., I write, He made me a Mexican dinner, and then we watched a documentary about Jerry Seinfeld. It was actually really good.
I had an awesome time with him, and things went along. But when it came to sex, I just didn't know how to talk to him about it. I get all weird and I just can't think straight.
I don't know. It's like I'm really embarrassed and just can't describe how I feel.
I think I must have weirded him out at least a little since I ended up rambling on and on about how I felt, but just being very vague about it all and not really saying anything in the end.
So yeah, I ended up having sex with him that morning, and I really don't know how I felt about it. I felt that it was kind of awkward, and it did hurt a lot like the last time, and only time. I guess I'm just kind of afraid of the whole penis thing.
However stupid, nerdy, weird this all sounds, it's just still foreign to me, and I don't want to get involved with it because I don't think I know what to do with it. But as he said, you got to try this stuff out, and you need to practice.
So reading back on that, I know that I was super scared, and again, I didn't know how to express that, but he actually talked to me about it. He's like, oh, you seem really anxious or uncomfortable. And then he's like, don't be afraid of this.
And you know, he helped me and was kind and like gave me space, and I never felt forced to do anything. I didn't feel like there was anything shameful. I just felt embarrassed that I didn't know what I was doing, but he seemed perfectly fine.
He's like, you know, that he really liked me, and he was going to stick around or it didn't matter. So that felt new to me. That felt really special.
It was interesting, though, after, like after the physical act and like the first time even, I remember he had to go to work or something, and I was like left at his place.
And after, I remember feeling this like deep grief after he left, and this deep grief like washed over me. And I was like, oh my god, I feel so sad and so anxious. And I just had this deep, deep feeling.
I was like, he's going to disappear. Like I felt so empty, like he's going to abandon me. And I remember feeling that because when I was with him, it felt good.
But when he would physically leave, I felt sick. And it was like these emotions crashed over, and I kept being like, he's going to leave, like he's going to leave.
There was this emptiness to this act, because I had been left in so many different ways, or tricked into something it felt like, or there was a guise and it wasn't true. So trusting him felt like a really big deal.
And it was like, I'd have that feeling every time. And I had to kind of push it away because I'm like, no, this is the truth. It's like, everything's good.
He's good. It's good. But I would still feel these emotions.
And of course, I didn't tell him. Of course, I would never talk about any of these things, right? I would just hold them deep inside of me.
So yeah, it was about two months of hanging out regularly. It just felt normal. It felt like we actually had some form of relationship.
Again, we didn't talk about it. There was no like labels or anything like that, but it was solid. And then one day he said he had to leave.
He's like, okay, you know what? I'm not staying in this town. I'm leaving.
I'm moving to New Zealand. And that's like the next leg of my journey. He's like, I don't really know where I'm going to end up, but I have to do this.
It's my time to go. And so I kind of knew that this was coming. I think he was like making the plans while we were together of this big move.
But there was definitely some finality to it actually happening. And again, we both didn't talk about it. It's like we knew this thing was going to have to come to an end because he was physically not going to be there anymore.
And the week leading up to him actually leaving, I got this horrible eye infection. Like both of my eyes were like swollen shut. I had like pus coming out of them.
They were all pink. So gross. And again, I can look back and be like, wow, like I wasn't piecing these things together, but my body was talking for me.
And when it's in the eyes, it's like we're not ready to see something. Our eyes speak about seeing and seeing our reality and seeing our future. And for me, they were expressing for me, which was like, I'm not ready for this.
I'm not ready to see that he's actually leaving because then I would know the truth of me and what relationships are, which is like, I will always be left. Like I will be abandoned in some way. It just felt too devastating to really go there.
I knew this was coming. He knew this was coming on some level. And we knew that things were gonna come to an end, but there just wasn't much closure.
Like he just had to leave. I think he brought me a flower that morning and like said goodbye, and you know, I'm gonna miss you kind of thing. But we never really expressed any more feelings beyond that.
I feel like we both felt a lot, but didn't express a lot. So I knew it was special, but it ended. We did stay in touch for a few months.
Like he would send postcards from his trip. He sent me a few emails. And then that just stopped.
And I had to accept that, which was really hard, because it was like he just disappeared. You know, there was this connection, and then it was gone. And deep down, I was like, oh, I'm not worthy of something like this.
Like, I'm not supposed to be in a relationship with someone who could respect and care about me. That will always come to an end. So even though this was a different experience, I still felt abandonment.
There was nothing ill on his part in any way. He's very honest about things, and I knew that. And he never did anything untowards or anything, but I still felt abandoned, right?
And after that, I truly entered another phase of relationship evolution, of experimenting, and of really falling into other behaviors.
And I would say, like, really started to lose myself with men, with connection, with sex, with all sorts of other things. So I'll leave that there. And I'll pick up in another episode.
So thanks for hanging out with me, and I'll talk to you soon.
