Sex and the city
The third episode in my formative sex & relationship series. On a trip to Vancouver I lay caution to the wind & make an empowering adult decision (or so I thought).
*Heads up* I briefly describe a sexual experience
In this series:
Ep 14 :: Seeding disenchantment
Ep 16 :: Petroleum engineering smart
Spending part of my big city time making left hand drawings at Starbucks ✏️☕
18 year old me in the Vancouver apartment on the formidable night out
Me & my romantic suitor caught on film
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This is Divine Interruption. I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin. So, I want to pick up this episode from where I left off last time with the 24-year-old named Matt.
I was 18, and essentially we dated for about two months, and then he disappeared after he stayed over at my house. Never talked to him ever again. And so, I was at a pretty low point, I'd say.
That was a lot to take in. I didn't want it to bother me, but it really did. It really affected me.
I was very angry.
I was very confused, and it really solidified so much of how I had felt of not being able to be safe, not being able to be vulnerable, of having it feel like men held this power over me, or there was this power dynamic where they could break me in a
second, or they could take my power away. About a month after that experience, me and my friend at the time, we had planned this trip to Vancouver for Valentine's Day. And we had never gone on a trip alone before. This was kind of a big deal.
Like, oh my gosh, two girls in the big city, like, we're going to go and we're going to live our best lives and just be these free, independent, adventurous women. And it was something we were both really looking forward to.
So we were going to stay in a hotel right downtown and just live our best lives. And this trip ends up becoming kind of one of the more formative experiences in my life. And I just want to say a big heads up that I'm going to talk about sex.
I'm not going to be too graphic, but I do talk about it in this episode.
And it's interesting because having read through all of my journals multiple times over the years, but revisiting them this time, I've noticed that some things really stick and other things I've kind of glossed over in my mind or my subconscious and
I haven't remembered or I'm more neutral now so I can look back and see things in a different way or notice how I was being or what I was picking up on. And it's funny, in this journal, got it here, after this experience, I wrote about it in like one
long, long entry. And in this one part here, I say, I now must describe all these events and the details which take place, however exhausted I am, because I know I'll really regret not having an actual account when I'm 40. And I'm like, what?
Oh my god, that really struck me. I'm like, oh my god, I'm 40, and I'm talking about this experience, and I'm referring back to my journal. It's too meta for me.
It's all come full circle. Anyway, I start off with, we're on this trip. One evening, we go to the bread garden or something.
It's like this deli restaurant, and we're looking at this map of Vancouver and trying to figure out what we're going to do over the next couple of days or what to do at night.
We're kind of getting turned around, and we're like, I wish we could ask someone. And we ask our server, and we're like, hey, do you have any advice of what to do around here, or how to get around, things to do at night, that kind of thing.
And he's like, oh, go ask James. And James is behind the counter. He is the guy who has made my friend her chicken Caesar wrap, and sold me my $3 blueberry bar, as I've specifically described in my journal.
And right away, he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. He's like, well, what do you want to know? We're like, I don't know.
We just want something fun to do. And he's like, well, how old are you? And we're like, oh, we're 18.
And so we're not legal in British Columbia. We are of legal age in Alberta, but not BC. So we technically can't go out to a bar or we can't buy alcohol.
And he's like, oh yeah, I'm 18 too, but like I still go out. And we're like, oh, how do you do that? He's like, oh, I have a fake ID.
And we're like, whoa, you know, that feels like such a big deal. We're like, oh, so cool. So he's like, hey, if you want, like I can show you around.
Where are you staying? And so we tell him the hotel and he's like, okay, cool. What's your room number?
And then we both right away, I think we kind of gave him a look. We're like, oh my God, what? And he's like, oh, okay, nevermind.
Not a big deal. Sorry, I didn't mean to be too forward. And we kind of leave.
We're walking away down the street. And I just remember thinking, oh, I think we missed an opportunity. And I tell my friend, I'm like, maybe we should go back.
Like, this is our independent adult woman's trip, and we need some adventure. Why don't we just take him up on his offer? Feels a little risque.
And I'm like, we need to be different. We need to do things with our lives. So we agree to go back in.
I go up to the counter and I say, hey, you know what? We actually want to take you up on your offer. And then I think to arrange something, he's like, yeah, like, I'll call you later, something like that.
But keep in mind, no cell phones. So here we are visiting, we're staying at a hotel and I think he is at work and then he has a home phone. And the whole thing was very complicated.
We're supposed to call him after eight o'clock or something. And then he will call us back and we'll figure out how to meet up. We go back to our hotel and we're like, oh my god, is this happening?
Like, what are we going to do? We get dressed, put on something. When I say like something amazing, I'm pretty sure it was like a gap tank top, and jeans, and like a cool zip up hoodie.
And then we just wait. We're in our hotel room, which by the way, was the size of a king size bed. So we had this bed with like a tiny little like moat around it of like carpet.
And we're just sitting on the bed and we're just waiting for this time when we're allowed to call him. I think we watch a few episodes of Degrassi, and we're just like, okay, when's the time? And then I chicken out, I'm like, I can't.
And I've talked more about not having a voice. Like I was so shy over the phone. I could never call people.
It's like my throat just locked up. I couldn't do it. So my friend was like, okay, I'll call him.
So she calls him, someone else answers. We'll call you back later. And then we're like, what?
Okay, this is confusing. But again, we can't do anything about it, right? We don't even know where this person lives.
We know nothing about him or his friends. Ends up calling us back. He's like, okay, we'll come by and meet you, blah, blah, blah, at this time.
So again, we're waiting and we're waiting and we're waiting. We're waiting for them to like call up to our hotel room when they get there. They never do.
And all of a sudden there's a knock on the door, just as I'm saying, like, I guess it's not happening. It's super disappointing. And then we open the door and there's James.
Somehow he has arrived. We're super excited. We go downstairs and there's three other guys there.
And they take us to the beach. They've got like a bottle of rum. And we find out that we're like, wait a sec.
We find out like, he's not 18. They're not 18. They're like 21.
And I remember thinking, I'm like, that's weird. Like, why would they lie about that? But I'm like, oh, who cares?
Whatever. It's not a big deal. I think I have like four drinks on the beach.
And again, I am not a seasoned drinker. I don't drink a lot, but I've had experiences now, you know, getting drunk. So I'm just really nervous drinking these rum and cokes.
And eventually we start walking back downtown. And like, oh, you should come to our apartment. So we get there.
It's like an, I don't know, like a 30 story, like a high rise with an entire view of Vancouver. It's right downtown. They're on the 18th floor.
The way I've described it, I'm like, there were chrome mirrors and like marble looking floors. Like I was so impressed. And I'm like, why would that matter?
But I remember like, I was young. I still lived at home, right? The idea of being independent, of having your own space, of having roommates and having your own kitchen and this privacy where you could just have people over.
And again, living in a different city, I'd still lived in the same town I grew up in. Like, it was very exciting. So it was all like, I'm like, oh my god, this is so crazy.
It's like we're in like Sex and the City or something, which me and my friend had been obsessed with at the time.
That show was really big, so we'd been watching it all throughout high school and just kind of living vicariously thinking, this is what it is to be an adult. So we all hang out.
Some of the guys, I don't know, I feel like there was one who was kind of not a nice guy. He was a bit of a dick. But I mainly seem to end up talking to James.
He wants to talk to me. I learn a lot about him. We're having fun.
I learn his life story. He's originally from Australia. He has two sisters.
He is in a bagpipe band. He grew up in cadets, so he's a cadet, and he wants to work for the police department in forensics. He's just telling me his life story.
At one point, I use the bathroom and they run out of toilet paper, and I thought it was just the nicest thing ever. He's like, you know what? Let's go get toilet paper.
We need to get toilet paper. So him and I go on this adventure out into downtown Vancouver and go buy toilet paper. And I was just like, wow, he's so thoughtful and so nice, like as if, again, like they need toilet paper.
It's not really anything to do with me. But I just thought it was so amazing. And we come back and we talk forever, like for more hours, and I'm drinking more and experiencing more.
He shows me his yearbook. We end up hanging out in his room alone. He ends up kissing me and just like looking into my eyes.
And he says, you know, you're so beautiful and smart. I was like, wow, you know, like this is a pretty, I was like, oh my god, this is pretty exciting. It gets really late, 2 a.m., 3 a.m.
now. And him and his friend, there's only like two of them left now, they walk us back to our hotel. And my friend wasn't having the best of times.
I think she drank too much, she was exhausted, she felt sick. And the guy she was hanging out with wasn't that nice. They were not hitting it off.
It wasn't a thing. So she was ready to go back, go back to the hotel. And I just remember being like, oh, I don't want to leave.
I really don't want to leave this guy. This is really exciting. But it was really tricky because I was here with my friend.
It was really important. Girl code, we were in this together. And here I was, and I was like, oh, but what if I never get a chance like this again?
This romantic adventure. So I remember saying like, hey, I really want to keep hanging out with him. I'll come back.
I just want to go hang out with him for an hour or something. We want to walk down to the beach. And I think that was a pretty big deal because again, we're alone, we're in a different city.
We don't know these guys. And she's probably like, are you going to be okay? And then I'm like, is she going to be okay?
We don't have any way of staying in touch. Again, no cell phones, right? Just like a different world.
So it was kind of a big deal that I decided to go. And I remember feeling pretty bad about it, but I was like, no, this like overriding force. Like I need to have this adventure.
So we go for this long walk on the beach. And I think I've got, I've got some more journal entry here. We walked along the beach and he held my hand and kept kissing me.
It was amazing. Then we sat down on a bench where we could see all the stars and the ocean and the lights of North Vancouver. It was actually super romantic.
How many times does this happen to Sarah Rankin? Then we talked some more. And he told me that he wanted me to know that I was really beautiful and that I was always going to succeed.
And he said that he loved the way that I was so happy and that I had some sort of force behind my eyes. He said that even if he had to leave me at the hotel, that he would have wanted me to know that.
And that he wasn't just saying it because he asked me about having a boyfriend, and then said how he'd been into drugs for a while, and that they'd messed up his brain, and then it worried him. He was so open. It was amazingly refreshing.
So that was our experience on the beach. He really opened up and told me some things. And it was romantic.
He was telling me these things. I had been starved for this kind of attention for someone to tell me I was beautiful, to tell me I was attractive, I was desirable that he saw something in me. That was everything.
It was lighting up every part of my body. And at this point, I think it's 5.30 in the morning. It's super cold.
We've been out on the beach for hours, and I didn't want it to end. Like, this was the most romantic experience I'd ever had, but it was coming to an end, right? We go back to the hotel, and then I'm like, no, I can't leave.
And he's like, what if you just came back to my place? And I was like, okay, I think I'm going to do it. So I rush up to the room, check on my friend.
She's asleep. I write her a note. I have gone back to the apartment.
I'm going to be okay. I'll be back at 10 a.m. I promise.
I'm so sorry. Head back downstairs and head back on this adventure with him. Okay, so I can't really do this justice.
I will just read again from the pages of my journal. If I say, it felt so irresponsible and wrong, but so good. It was so cold out that we ran.
We ran all the way to the top of the hill by his apartment. He held my hand and we ran up the sidewalks. It was 630 in the morning.
Then he'd stop to kiss me as we went. He even showed me how he marched as a cadet. It was amazing.
Finally, at his apartment, he asked me if it was okay if we slept on the floor, because his roommate was in his room, which I realize now I'm like, oh, they had a one-bedroom apartment. It was tiny. I think they shared the bedroom.
So yeah, not a lot of privacy there. I didn't exactly know what was going to happen, but I didn't care. I was loving every minute of this adventure and just wanted to see where it would go.
Since I hadn't really brought anything, he lent me some of his track pants. And then we lay on the floor, and it felt so right. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God. Okay. I need to do this.
We're gonna keep going. And then I say, we made out. Blah-dee-blah-blah.
Okay, good. Actually, it was amazing. He must have had a lot of experience because he really knew what he was doing, which was just great.
But also a little intimidating, but he never made me feel pressured about anything. Then the sun began to rise and it was absolutely magnificent. He asked me if I'd ever had sex before and I said no.
He was a little surprised, but I felt it was time. He finally asked me about it and I said I wanted to. I don't know exactly what led me to want to have sex with him, but it was right.
He was great. There was a beautiful view and a sunrise. I felt good and I thought, why not?
Since I had been on birth control, I knew that it was actually an option now. It hurt a lot, actually. I thought it wasn't going to, but oh my goodness, was I ever wrong.
He kept asking me if I was okay and if he should stop, but I said it was fine. After everything, he told me I should do that more often. And then we changed back into our clothes and set the alarm for 9.15, which was about an hour for actual sleep.
He kissed me and asked me why I had chosen to do that with him. I told him that it just felt right and I felt good about him and the whole situation. Okay, a little dramatic.
So we slept for like an hour, and in that time, we'd also agreed to meet up the next day. So he's like, I'll meet you outside the bookstore on like Robson Street or something at a certain time. I was like, oh my God, okay.
I get up to leave, he falls asleep, like gives me a kiss, like it's all very romantic. And I take a picture of myself with my mini, I had like a mini iZone Polaroid camera. I used to love this thing.
So I take this little picture of me, I cut it out and I stick it to like the back of some sort of receipt and I write my name on it.
And I was like, oh, this is something to remember me by, something like, thanks for the amazing time, something like that. Little cringe, little cringe, okay. But I walked out of that apartment and I felt different.
I truly did. I felt alive. I felt like my body was on fire.
I felt empowered. I felt independent. It's like I had made this first huge decision by myself, for myself, and I had done it on my own terms.
I had chosen to have sex with this person. And that felt like a really big deal. I just left feeling that way.
Like I'd had this sunrise. I'd had this magical time with this person who really cared about me. And I didn't necessarily see it going anywhere.
Like I hadn't seen a future. He's not my boyfriend. Like I wasn't naive in that way.
I didn't think that. All I thought was I've got this beautiful experience, this little capsule, you know, that I can put on a shelf and say, wow, this was a good experience. So that's kind of where I was at after.
Then the next day came around, and me and my friend go to the bookstore, and we're waiting and we're like looking at magazines inside, then we come out and I'm kind of nervous.
I'm like, oh my God, like, it's that moment when you're like, do I remember what they look like? And I just had butterflies. I was like, holy shit, this is like a really big deal, actually.
Now this is a whole other thing. Like, what's it going to feel like to see him? And we're waiting, we're waiting.
I'm like, oh, did we pick the wrong store? Like, did I get the time wrong? I'm like, no.
And eventually, I'm like, okay, I should probably call him, something's up. So I call the phone. No one answers.
I'm like, oh no. And again, I'm at a payphone, so I'm using more quarters. I'm like, no, no, I should call again.
Like, something's wrong. Call, call. And I was truly confused.
I was like, oh no, like something happened. Oh man, like we're just missing connections. Again, no cell phones.
It's so funny how that plays into so many storylines, like before cell phones happened. You think of all the movies you watch and you're like, wow, the entire plot would have been completely different if those characters had cell phones.
I feel like the entire X-Files series never would have happened if these characters could just communicate. Anyway, the premise of so many things. So that was a part of this.
Oh, we're missing each other, like he's not around or maybe he's at a different side of the bookstore, who knows? And so I'm pretty sure we wait at least like two hours. And I called a lot because I really thought something had happened.
And I'm disappointed. I'm like, oh, that's so weird. And then we get back.
And all of a sudden, I'm just hit with this wave. Oh, my God. And it was like this realization sunk in of like the truth of that situation.
Oh, my God. Wait a second. He didn't meet me.
Did he mean not to meet me? Oh, my God. Did he just say he was going to, but he never meant it?
And then I remembered the picture that I loved, and I remembered the note, and then I remembered that he had this shitty roommate who was kind of an ass.
And I imagined him and like everything that could have unfolded after that morning and his roommate coming out, and then him being like, what happened? And maybe he'd talk to him about it and said like, oh, yeah, what happened with her?
And what did you guys do? And ha ha ha. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so pathetic.
Like, it just hit me so hard that perhaps this story, this love story I had in my head was not what I thought it was at all. And I had loved all of it. It had been so romantic.
And like I said, I was so starved to feel liked or appreciated, especially in this way, especially from like a man, not necessarily a relationship, but just desired in that way. And so that was really everything.
And it's interesting because for the longest time, I really held on to that part of the story, what I will call like the good part.
And I framed this experience as like a really positive and empowering one because for a short time, you know, for a few hours, for about a day, it had been really positive and really empowering.
And I had owned that decision, you know, that I'd made on my own. And I was like really proud of myself. I'd been this strong, independent woman, and I hadn't known any different.
I thought that I had chosen to have sex with someone who thought I was magnificent. And I had been on birth control, which was a choice that I had made. I had been gutsy, like I had done something brave and forward, and I held on to that.
But underneath, there was this moment that happened when I realized that he had not shown up, that he had chosen not to show up for me, not to contact me, not to say anything.
And underneath that was this implanting of this feeling of being disposable. And I'm like, oh my god, he actually wanted only one thing. I'm only wanted for one thing.
Oh my god, was that an entire disingenuous experience? Like was this a ploy? I felt like I had been bought in some way, like he had offered me all these compliments and all this care and consideration for sex.
It was again this exchange, and this exchange had been guised and veiled because I'd really taken him at his word, and I thought he was amazing.
I thought that he thought I was amazing, and it really felt like he couldn't wait to see me again, and that we were definitely going to see each other the next day. And that's what he had said, right? Like I took him at his word.
So I was really, really confused. And through my older eyes, like very much this feels like two people coming together with entirely different experiences, with entirely different expectations, who shared something. Do you know what I mean?
It's more neutral than how I experienced it when I was younger. And I don't know his side of things, but I do know how I felt after. And this is the truth.
After I had that realization, or after he never showed up, and I'm using the words as these are my words, right? This isn't something that someone told me to feel. It's not something that I came to after years, or after having conversations.
This is actually how I feel. So I felt really embarrassed, and I felt dirty. Like dirty is the word I'm going to use, because that's how I felt.
I felt used. And this feeling of humiliation. And I flashed back to that feeling of having those older boys in junior high school laughing at me, you know, who had set me up.
They'd set me up to embarrass me, to make me feel ashamed, to like play a trick on me. And it was like, oh, something about me was hilarious. You know, something about me must be hilarious, where people can just do this.
Like, I must be deep down inside, like really gross. I am undesirable. I am a joke.
And here I am feeling from this experience, and also from that past experience with Matt, from the older guy who we never slept together, but after there was a chance to, and I didn't, you know, he again did the exact same thing.
He never talked to me again. And so I really felt like I'm only valuable for sex, like for my body. And yet in a twisted way, I'm also completely shamed for it.
I didn't feel valuable either way. It felt like having sex with this person made me feel dirty and used because of the way they treated me after, but also not having sex in the other experience made me feel the same way.
And I learned, and this is again, what I took away, right? These were my feelings. This is what imprinted on me.
I felt like I'm not precious. I'm not special. I am disposable.
And I remember just wishing like I could, I don't know, do something with the experience, like talk about it with someone who could help me. Like, is there someone who could explain these rules to me?
Someone who could hold some of the pain with me or just like soothe it. And who I'm talking about is just like an adult. Again, someone who's been through this, someone who has a broader perspective, who's older, who's wise, just someone.
I had friends and I was able to talk about this with some of my friends. But again, we were all navigating a lot of this at the same time, right? Maybe different experiences, different levels, but it was all kind of new.
And again, I wasn't sharing necessarily that shameful part because it made me feel so ashamed that this person had almost what it felt like played a trick on me or guised me or used me and disposed of me or not valued me enough to communicate
clearly. So I was again, not talking about that part. I was just talking about how empowered I was or like I did this thing and oh my God, it's kind of crazy, but you know, I was a stranger, but I feel really good about it.
And not sharing the other piece. And there just wasn't this older wiser person. I don't know if there is in other people's lives.
I actually have no clue. I just know that in my household, these are things that were just unspoken. And like I have a lot more to say about that growing up, but this was not definitely not an experience to be shared or like spoken of.
And even admitting to my family, which it came up not by choice, it just ended up coming out back in high school, that my high school friend, who my parents were totally aware of, and was in my friend group, like when it had turned into a
relationship, there was a moment when like I had to say that or like they knew my dad did not speak to me or look at me for days. It did something to him where he could not, I don't know, like he shut me out. And that was really painful.
And he would do things like that sometimes. But I just remember I'm like, yeah, we're dating, huh? Like it was so embarrassing for me because I already felt like, oh, we don't talk about this stuff with my family.
Ugh, yuck. And then when it did come out, now it's like, okay, we really can't talk about this stuff. He is walking past me.
He's not looking me in the eyes. He is not talking to me. I am completely invisible.
It's not a safe place to talk about relationships. You know, it's triggering something for him, and then he would take it out on me in that way.
And so I knew in my situation, just with my family anyway, like I was essentially meant to deny my reality, right?
And just pretend that I'm not interested in dating or being around guys, or this is not something that's safe to talk about at that time anyway. And so I pushed it all down, and I didn't even write about that part in my journal.
I realized, I'm like, wait a second, where's the part where I didn't meet him the next day? And I'm like, oh my God, I didn't write that down. And I was like, I need to recount this whole thing.
And I left that out. That's how ashamed I felt. That's how dirty I felt.
That's how I couldn't acknowledge it to myself at some level that that had happened. And so I left it at like rainbows and unicorns and empowered 18-year-old Sarah, you know, losing her virginity for the first time.
Because deep down, I like needed to pretend I thought something was really wrong with me. And I was like, wow, relationships are pain. Men are powerful.
Men are in control. They hold the cards and I can't trust them. They will manipulate me.
And it's such an interesting paradox that I feel like I've held for so long. Again, men will abandon me if I don't offer them sex. Like if I'm not available and they cannot use my body, they will abandon me.
And yet they will also abandon me if I do offer sex. I am only good for one thing, and yet you cannot win.
Like there's no winning, because either you do this thing and they shame you and abandon you, or you don't do this thing and they shame you and abandon you. So that was my experience up until this point. And I just was like, I'm gross.
There's something wrong with me. Like I'm undesirable. I'm a joke.
It's just not safe to let my guard down. And men will punish me if I get it wrong. Like if I can't figure out what they need and be what they need, I will get punished in some way.
And obviously, obviously, I had gotten it wrong. Or more likely, as now has been planted, had been planted in my brain and my heart, I was just wrong. I was the one who was wrong to begin with.
There was something horribly wrong with me that this would continue to happen to me, that I would continue to be what felt like set up or humiliated or a joke or essentially like abandoned and left. So I learned a lot.
And by learn, I'm not saying I learned the truth of life. I just did what we do, which is have experiences, mess up, feel things, and then take away some belief.
And those beliefs shape how we go into the rest of our lives and how we approach our other relationships.
And this definitely was the precursor for so many things and set me up even further for future relationships, how I felt about myself, what I was willing to do and not do. And how I approached things, how I felt about myself.
And again, it's interesting because I think 10 years ago, I could look back on this experience and say like, oh, of course, I think even five years after it happened, I was like, of course this would be the way, like, oh, Sarah, you're so naïve, like
such a silly young girl, like how obviously like this is what's going to happen, or this is what should happen, and you didn't get the clue, like you didn't pick up on it, or you were so naïve. But then now I can look, and I'm just like, but that's
really sad, because I don't think I was over the top. Yes, it's a little cringe to leave a tiny photo of yourself, but I was still aware.
I look back, I'm like, that's still me, like I was aware that I was doing that, but I felt based on how he communicated with me. Do you know what I mean?
He's saying so much, and yet the actions are different, and I think that's the part that really confused me. I felt like I could trust him.
I was like, okay, at this point, he really seems into this, and I think it's safe to say, based on everything we've talked about and how he's made me feel and how emphatic he's being, he asked me if I grew up in Edmonton or if I lived there, would we
have a chance to be in a relationship and all this stuff? I remember being like, wow, that's kind of over the top. I even felt that. I was like, he's being really intense, but I kind of like it.
Why not? I love this. But I knew it was over the top, and so then I felt it was safe to be like, hey, thanks for an amazing time.
Like, Sarah, if you're ever in Edmonton, I think that's what I said. Here's my number. You always have a place to stay, kind of like that.
But then you get, I don't know, got jaded. I had so many other experiences. I'm like, of course he'd think that was stupid.
Of course, like, he would leave you and not show up. Are you an idiot? And then I'm like, why does it have to be like that?
This is honestly where you come in and you're like, wow, these are my experiences. This is what I've learned and that shaped my experiences to come. And someone else can actually have a completely different story and not believe any of this, right?
We believe this is the way the world is, but we have blinders on based on where we come from and what's deep-seated in our heart and all those hurts and traumas, like they really do shape how we see the world.
So I could keep talking about this, and I will because I've got a few more stories here to build upon this one as I get older and move out and have more experiences.
And like I said, this seems to be very important for me to get out of my system right now. It's feeling really good, but also difficult and like embarrassing because I'm really, I'm like, okay, we're being very transparent here.
I just read to you from my journal about the time I lost my virginity. If I thought two years ago that I was gonna be able to talk about this, well, way to go, Sarah, here we go. This is happening.
I'm like, we're ripping off the band-aid and I can't go back. I think that's okay. I have to do it.
I know that I'm in a feel a great relief having done this and then I don't have to hold it anymore. And I can actually put this journal down and I don't think I really need to read it. Do you know what I mean?
Because I've encapsulated the feelings that were there and there's more truth in what I'm expressing today at 40 than what I was actually writing at age 18 because I was again, still trying to shape my narrative and keep myself feeling safe.
And there are some things that I still, it was not safe to write down. I couldn't even read that myself. It would be too traumatizing.
It would rock my world. So anyway, thank you for holding space for me and hearing all of the cringe. And I'll be back with another one in this series anyway soon.
Thanks so much. Bye.
