Where’s my renaissance?!
An update on what the past few months of life have brought through the ups & downs of chronic illness as new information & diagnoses show up. I recognize I’m still holding back in sharing from a fear of being seen and revelations about my next steps come after a good cry.
One of my playlists that helps me get all my sads out-when I really need to feel my stuff 😭🌧️
Fitting sentiments from one of my daughters ☔🌈
Scenes from my solo trip to the Gulf Islands ⛴️🔥💊
The cabin 🏡🪵
More scenes from cabin life
🍲🌲🌊💿
Nick and I at a friend’s wedding 💒
Receiving my iron infusion 🩸
Some fun recent infections 🤢
Hope on the horizons ☀️☁️🙌
-
This is Divine Interruption. I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin. Hi, welcome back.
Oh my goodness. It has been what feels like a really long time. I've wanted to just share updates on my life over the past like six months, but I just really still struggle to sit down and do this.
Like I have to have a really big urge of energy or like a push to get me to do this. And when I'm in it, it feels amazing. And I have so much to share and it flows.
But when it comes to just sharing things in the moment, like I'll have little epiphanies or moments. And I'm like, ah, I want to talk about this. I want to share it with someone.
I want somewhere to put it. That's when I wish I could just quickly come in here, turn on the microphone, and just share when it's true, when it's authentic, when it's happening. But there's still a barrier there for me.
Like I feel like I've created this whole thing into like a production. And so it doesn't happen as much as I'd like it to.
And where I'm at today, like I really, really want to change that pattern so that I can just feel more free, so that I can just share.
And I don't like holding it all in, you know, and then having so much to share later that I don't even know where to start. And by the way, no surprise here. Oh, that's a pattern for me.
Oh, and that's not just a pattern in doing this podcast, but it's a pattern in my life in general. And it's a big pattern when it comes to expression.
I'd really like to be at a place where I could just share and I could just talk about myself or share the things that go on in my brain that I really want to, but I've always held back. Always, always. So that's in there for me.
And I would like to at some point, you know, be someone who can like sit maybe like in front of the camera, you know, not just in front of a microphone, or I could be more relaxed or just spontaneous. But, you know, this is where I'm at today.
I'm here. And, you know, thankfully I made it just here to share it all. So we're gonna take this as a win.
And I've received, I don't know, some really thoughtful feedback lately about the podcast.
And it makes me feel seen for, I don't know, who I am today, I guess, and what I'm doing today, not some other version of myself when I thought I was more capable or I don't know, more acceptable.
Like it's just very meaningful to be seen in where I am at now because I don't really receive feedback anymore. And I think maybe that's even a process of growing up.
But I would say I haven't felt like I've had a solid place in the world for a while.
3:05
Hermit Mode
You know, I'm not really out there. I'm not outdoing things in the world. I'm not visible for so many reasons.
And being isolated has become a way of life for me, this hermit mode that I've been in. This is something that I've been actively trying to move out of for a few years now. I'm I'm really working on that.
And when I say that I'm working on myself, that is my full-time job. And the people closest to me would tell you, oh, yeah, that's accurate.
And I'm sure that it's exhausting to watch me continuously strive to kind of create movement in my life, to change things, to make things better for myself. And like, trust me, I get it. I am tired of myself.
I am tired of this process too. But yeah, that this is kind of where I'm at, and I am actively working on it. You know, I don't currently have a full-time job.
I haven't gone to a place of work for almost three years now. And I'm not really part of any sort of community.
You know, I do have friends and I have people that are kind of scattered all around the country, all around the world, but I'm not necessarily seeing people, you know, where I live very often. I'm not actually doing a lot of things with other people.
And yeah, I've had some experiences that change how I see the world or how I experience it. And I know that there's a lot of people around me that don't necessarily relate to that. They might not even acknowledge that it's possible or that it's real.
So there's a lot that has kind of gone into, I think, shrinking down my life and staying hidden and being a hermit and not knowing kind of how to move out of this phase of feeling invisible, but also actively putting myself in that place.
And change is exactly what I've been working towards. It's what I want.
I'm doing everything, and I've been doing this for years, you know, to move the needle on illness, not just physically, but healing, like on a very mental level, on a very emotional level, on a spiritual level. It's like being on a hamster wheel.
And it sometimes makes me feel like I'm failing. And it makes me feel like nothing is changing because I'm experiencing all this stuff. It's quite chaotic.
It kind of throws me off. It's like up and down and up and down, and it's it's all overwhelming. It doesn't necessarily make sense from an outside person's perspective.
Honestly, it doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time. And so it makes me feel like, oh, nothing's changing. Like I keep working on all these things.
Some people take a supplement and, you know, they're better. And I'm like, what is that? What does that feel like?
What does that look like? And so when I don't see myself necessarily reflected in the outside world, I'm like, oh no, well, none of these things are working for me. Like, where is this change?
Like I must be failing to not do the right thing. But, you know, the reality is that a lot actually is changing, has been changing, has changed. It just doesn't look the way that I thought it would.
Or it's not in a way that makes me feel like socially acceptable, like it hasn't changed the way I look or how I act or how I perceive things. And therefore I'm like, well, then nothing's changing.
6:33
Subtle Changes
But it's because what's actually changing isn't the stuff, you know, that I'm necessarily seeking to change or that I'm wanting to control. Like I want to feel like I'm in control of this vehicle of myself.
And I'm recognizing, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm not really in control of this.
And even if I'm still an illness and I'm still maybe not working at a level that I hope to, or I'm not socializing in a way that I hope to, all of those things, you know, the change that's showing up is very different.
And sometimes it is very subtle. Like I would say, this year on my birthday, and if you've been following along with my story, I have two birthdays now, which feel free to ask me about it. It's kind of weird and confusing.
But let's just say my normal birthday, the day that I was born in this lifetime, right? This year I woke up and I just felt sad. I felt so sad.
And as the day went on, I was just like, oh no, like this feeling isn't going away. I don't I don't want to feel like this. Like there's no external reason why I would feel sad.
Like I need to control this so that I can have a good day. And I want to show up and appreciate the people around me who are trying to make this, you know, a positive experience.
But after that, it took me a couple of days to recognize, I was like, oh my gosh, it felt like grief. It was like I was grieving a past version of myself.
So this birthday, what it represents, in a way, yes, I'm still me, but I'm grieving all of the stuff that came along with being that version of me, right? I've been letting it go, but that's very energetic, right?
It's something that you can't see, but I was feeling it. And it was confusing. And I was very much like, I do not want to feel this.
I am fine, everything is good. But I was having a different experience that I could not control, which was like grief over, oh my gosh, over myself. I'm like, I'm changing, I'm changing.
Even on the outside, doesn't look like I'm changing. Oh, I'm changing on another level. It happens when I'm writing in my journal.
I realize that now oftentimes, and I might speak like this without knowing it, it's it's coming out in like third person. And I'm like, no, I don't want to be the person who talks about themselves in third person.
But often when I'm writing, I'm like, well, Sarah thinks this, and she's doing this in a way. But if I could just get through to her, and I'm like, what am I saying?
But it's it's because I'm existing as another, it's as like a soul version of myself. So I can see myself as this human being, as Sarah, and I can see what she's doing and how she's feeling and why she's doing the things she's doing.
But it's it's quite a trippy experience. So I do talk about myself that way now a lot of times without knowing it. It can happen when I'm driving and I'm just talking to myself.
It can happen when I'm mid-conversation with someone. It's almost like I'm above my body. How do I describe it?
I'm just, it's almost like my consciousness is kind of it's above me. It's up to the right. That's where it is for me.
And it's like I'm seeing myself through the lens of my soul. Like I'm not like in my human, I'm there, but I'm also having a different perspective. Yeah, even when I'm saying this, like I sound like I'm out to lunch.
So it's a little challenging because I'm kind of in and out of worlds in a way, right? Like I can connect so easily with that part of myself, with my soul, and I can see this other perspective of life, this higher perspective in a sense.
And yeah, that's like a gift when it comes to, let's say, spiritual work, right? And doing readings when I'm able to connect with other people's bigger picture or see other possibilities or see someone's path or their purpose.
Like it's it's it's valuable and I am grateful that I can do that.
But honestly, having that perspective for myself, it also means that sometimes I'm almost bypassing or trying to bypass my own experience as a human being, because it's like I'm seeing the path or I'm seeing these things coming up for myself, or I
understand why I'm doing something or where that's coming from. Oh, that's a deeper wound from this, this, and this. And so when I see that perspective, it's like I think I don't need to be in my body.
Or if I'm going through a tough thing, it's like, well, I know why. So, hmm. But it's like, wait a second, how can I help myself as a human being in this body today?
It's very weird. It's like, yeah, harder to be in my experience with my very like human limitations because I can, in a way, I feel like I can see around those things, but I'm meant to be here, right? I am a human.
I am in this body. So I need to do normal things and get through life and take actions in my life to move to the next step. Even if I can like see that there's something else out there, I still need to do the things.
So it's like I can feel so much changing and I can feel things falling away around me within my identity.
But it's weird because it's not really tangible and it's not really reflective of if I look around at my day-to-day life, I'm like, no one would know. No one can see. There's nothing showing me that I have changed.
I'd say since the new year as well, like as I feel just so much more of this energy moving, like this purging, this kind of shift, I've experienced so much with my body. And no surprises there, right?
That that's like a part of a lot of what I've shared, right? Like I experience a lot in my body. That's one of my biggest challenges in this lifetime is my body.
I've had infection after infection with my skin, which I've been going through for three years now, these major infections. And they just kind of haven't stopped.
I've I've even seen another specialist, and he basically told me, Well, I've seen this, but I've never seen it in someone like you at your age, and I've never seen it happen so frequently. Like this isn't normal. And I'm like, okay.
He's like, I think you you need to be on antibiotics for the rest of your life. I was like, oh, I don't know. You know, like I don't know if I resonate with that.
I went away to a cabin in the woods earlier this year just to get away by myself for a couple nights. And I had one infection. Sometimes I have like eight.
You know, I had one that wasn't so great, but I went away. I was like, I'll be fine. I read in front of the fire.
I was in silence the whole time. I walked in the woods, like it was really beautiful, but I had difficulty walking and the pain was really bad and my leg was swelling.
And the first evening, it got so bad that I woke up and I was like, oh my God, like I can't feel my leg. Like my leg feels numb. This is scary because this has happened before.
Like, is the infection spreading? Am I getting sepsis? Like, what is happening?
And then I realized, I'm like, oh, I barely have cell surface here. I am on an island. I am in the middle of the woods in a cabin by myself.
Like, do I need to somehow get emergency attention? Like, is this going to spread? And if you've ever had any sort of infection, you may have had these moments where you kind of go and you're like, how bad is this?
This feels really bad, but does it need medical attention? So I woke myself up every hour. I said, you know, if if at any point like I cannot move, then yeah, I'm I'm going to call, I don't know, 911 and maybe they send a helicopter.
Like, I don't know. But that's what I did because I wasn't sure how bad it was. But that's how bad these infections can get.
Like, I don't know. I'm in a lot of pain. There's a lot of swelling.
And I know how to treat myself. But at this point, the treatment I was doing was not working. It eventually started to get better.
I left early and I went home. I got on the ferry, all the things, because I thought, you know what, I made it through the night, but I'm going to go home. If I need to go to the emergency room, at least that's accessible for me.
And it turned out that eventually it was okay. But yeah, those things keep happening to me. That is on a frequent basis.
And I've experienced the fatigue, like to the level of I am like tired in my bones, inside of my eyes. I cannot sustain levels of energy. Like I almost feel like I'm kind of dead.
There's like a feeling of just like, okay, I am not really even here sometimes. And I was working with an occupational therapist for just up until a couple of weeks ago for about 10 months.
And they kept trying to kind of get me to move through this threshold of like rehabilitation. And it was really helpful seeing how they work with patients and giving me tools to, you know, kind of progress, but at a level that's manageable.
And we tried multiple times, and I just couldn't pass this threshold of like two hours. I would have two hours of activity before I need to lie down, before I need to fully sleep, like take a full-on nap. I tried, but I couldn't.
And eventually I was discharged because she's like, you're not progressing. This is where you're at. And she's like, I can't force your body to get better.
You know, you've got two hours in the morning and you've got two hours in the afternoon. And the rest of the time you should be resting. Some of that can be active rest, but you are not doing things.
So it just felt like I, yeah, it's like my body isn't getting better. I recently even went to a wedding, which was like a really big deal for me. I was like, I'm gonna go be a part of life.
I'm gonna do something. I'm gonna be around people. And I had to prepare myself.
About two months in advance, I started really thinking about it because it felt like such a big deal to go to something like that.
You know, I like planned out an entire outfit and ordered all of the right things so that I had exactly what I knew I could wear, what I would be comfortable in, regardless of what my skin or my body was doing. I prepared all of my food.
So I brought my own food with me. I made sure to rest, like leading up to the event for the full week ahead. I was just like, I need to get extra, extra rest.
And then I had to prepare myself mentally, you know, for being around a lot of people, for all of the energy and all of the activities. Like, how am I gonna manage that? When am I gonna know that I need to sit down or go home?
Or I even had an exit strategy of like, if I don't feel well, I can get myself home, that kind of thing. And you know what? I did it.
And I had fun. And it was, it was an awesome wedding. And it was just so excited to feel like I was a part of life again, like I was out there, a part of someone's big day, a part of something that was like important.
And so I was really proud of myself when I got home. I was like on this high. I was like, wow, I did all of those things.
But the next day, I felt like I had the worst hangover that I could imagine. And it was shocking. Like it was truly shocking, obviously, because number one, I don't drink at all, right?
I brought my own food. I was eating like apple slices and sun butter. Okay.
So drinking a lot of water, not doing that much. But it was shocking because I thought I'd manage my energy properly. I'm like, but I did it.
I did it. Therefore, it should have been great. But unfortunately, yeah, I was in bed all day.
I had a splitting headache. The headache lasted for two days. I have never actually experienced that before.
And it was just insane. Like I had actually pushed myself beyond what my body was able to do, unfortunately. I'm still glad I did it.
But I realized I'm like, oh, sometimes there's a cost without me even knowing. I've been avoiding things and even doing things and feeling like they're going well. I still need to realize I'm like, that was too much for me.
So I just have not really been functioning very well, you know, physically, emotionally, mentally. There's a lot of fallout that comes from that lack of energy and constant illness and just symptoms.
And recently I went to a new doctor and I was like, okay, I need to try another approach. I'm ready. Going to see someone new is always a big deal, right?
You're forming a new relationship. Are they going to see me? Are they going to understand?
I'm like, what do I want out of this experience? And she was awesome. She ordered all of the tests, a huge intake.
And after one of our appointments, she called me and she's like, okay, your iron is dangerously low. You're not getting sufficient oxygen to your brain, and you're at risk for a stroke right now.
Like you are 10 markers away from needing to get a blood transfusion. I don't know how you're functioning. I don't know how you're thinking, but you need to stop exercising right now.
You're not going for walks. You're not doing things. You know, if you get dizzy or short of breath, like you have to go to the emergency room.
So that was that. I was like, okay, cool. Yeah.
Low iron, no iron, apparently. And I've I've experienced that before, but this is like another level of that. And then she tells me, oh, you also have extremely high cholesterol.
Not the lifestyle kind, but the genetic kind. So, you know, you can't really do anything about it. But now you know you're at risk for a heart attack.
Cool, great, right? Awesome. Oh, and you also have issues with your uterus.
Something's going on. Okay, we did an ultrasound, nothing's showing up. This looks like it could be endometriosis, but we don't know.
Cool. We're gonna have to look into that as well. Oh, you've also tested very high for anxiety.
And then she says, I believe there's, you know, a larger discussion to be had around neurodivergence. She said, I really think this might be helpful for you. A lot of the tests that I gave you, you're scoring very high.
And you know what? You might want to seek a formal diagnosis for something. And after this, she said, Again, I don't know how you're functioning.
Like, how do you feel? And I was like, Well, I feel bad, to be honest. I don't know.
It's confusing for me because I always feel bad.
20:58
Lifelong Healing Journey
And when I say that, I'm not trying to be dramatic. I'm not trying to be in my suffering, you know, it's more just I'm really used to moving through what feels like this cloud of sludge on most days.
And I'm used to using kind of every ounce of like what limited energy I have in just the most efficient way that I can so that I can live life, right? It's it's not just physically, it's also emotionally.
And then it's also in my brain, like how I'm thinking, how I'm processing things. Like that is my normal.
And if I think about even every time like I would get a skin infection, there's usually a point where, you know, I don't know, like when I was on that island, like, should I go to a clinic? Should I go to the emergency room? Or am I going to be okay?
Will this just like pass on its own? So it's been a challenge discerning when something is dangerous or not, because there hasn't really been a treatment necessarily, honestly, for most of the symptoms that. I've had over time.
They've been very different, but usually they're like, we don't really know what to do about this, or the things that I try don't really work. And so if nothing can really be done, then you know, I just kind of get through it.
And I've pushed through many times, and that's kind of how it's been, but I've also pushed through other times, and that has been a mistake. So I'm here again.
I've been pushing through my symptoms, only to find out that I'm actually pushing myself into kind of serious jeopardy. I don't know. It's confusing.
It is confusing for me. It's it's it's a pattern. It's kind of how I've dealt with things, it's how I manage things.
And when your normal is at such a level that you don't really know, like, what does it feel like to feel good? Like I, anyway, so that was a lot to take in.
And it's been confusing because, you know, I've been asked before, just by people in my life or random, you know, friends, whatever, like, oh, why are you so focused on like healing?
Like, why do you feel like you have to do all this self-work all the time? You know, like what are you striving for? Or why don't you take a break?
Or and it's really just, I always just kind of want to say, like, oh man, I just, I just want you to know what it feels like to be in my body and my brain, because it's been something I've been trying to kind of improve since I was a kid.
You know, I've always been seeking just ways or tools or practices or information just to feel better. And I've just always wanted change. I've always wanted to feel better.
And I can't always explain. If you've always had something, how do you know what do you want to get better? Because how do you know what feels good?
But I've I've always been this way, like seeking. And so when someone's like, Oh, do you feel okay? I'm like, well, no, but that's normal.
And look, like, I, yeah, I've been in many ways, like I've been here before. This isn't new. I've spent my life in and out of practitioner offices.
And the symptoms, the reactions, what I experience might change. Like a lot of it has changed. I'm a very different person today than I was two years ago, than I was five years ago, 10 years ago.
Like my body has changed. Who I am has changed. Um, but the process is kind of the same, right?
It's like, oh, I'm always seeking answers, ways to get better, ways to feel better.
And so here with this doctor and all of this information, I'm like, okay, like I'm actually getting some tangible information here that could really help me explain maybe parts of why I am where I am today, what I'm experiencing now.
And so I know that this is actually good news, like this is positive, this is helpful information. And I can feel, like when she was delivering this and when I was processing it, I was like, oh, I kind of feel my soul being like, yes, this is good.
But then here we go again. My human, Sarah, myself. I I was like grieving in some way because I'm like, oh my God, I'm here again.
Oh, like I am feeling, like I'm doing everything to take care of myself. That is my number one job. How am I here again?
What do all these labels mean? Like, what are the next steps? Like, what do I even want to do with all of this new information?
Like seeking more specialists or other diagnoses, like, what do I want to do with all of this? It just felt like failure. But then I could feel deep down underneath, I'm like, no, this is the path.
Like that's when you know you feel you're like, but this is good. It's hard, but it's good. And since then, I've had more tests, I've had an Ivy iron infusion to kind of bring those levels up as soon as possible.
But I haven't really experienced changes yet, you know, and now I'm in the waiting, right? I'm waiting for the iron to process. I'm waiting on more referrals to different specialists, and that's okay.
I know this isn't a time to, you know, stress out or push more or seek more answers or try and get ahead. I'm just waiting.
But I am restless and I still like I want to see external results in my life, especially with the amount of effort that, you know, I keep putting in, I think, every day, every month, every year.
And I would say, like, since the spring, I've been working on my website again. I've been planning out new offerings in the background.
You know, when I have these little bits of energy, when I can get my thoughts straight, when all the stars align, essentially.
Then I've been actually working towards, you know, the these things that I know I want in my life, creating a future for myself. You know, I've I've done a handful of intuitive readings, you know, here and there. And now I'm just restless.
I'm restless to do more with that. Like I would like to see progress. I want to move forward.
I want my renaissance. I want my renaissance. I'm I'm ready.
I'm like, no, I'm ready to be alive again. But I have to keep reminding myself like the reality is things are changing. They're just not the changes that I get excited about.
But like I said, it's all happening in the background. You know, for me anyway, that's where I'm seeing my changes. They are in the background.
And I am feeling that change. And I think that's where the grief comes in, right? With change, there comes grief.
Like when I talk to people now, friends and acquaintances, things are changing and ending for everyone. And when we feel a lot, it's important to actually feel those things, you know, regardless of if we know exactly what's going on or not.
And that's been such a huge learning in my life. And it keeps coming back. It's like reminder, reminder.
Feel the stuff. Like you have to feel it. That's how you're going to move forward.
And in my experience, like it is the human condition to want to know the why and the what, or at least that's how I felt. Like, I want to know why I feel these things. I want to know where it's coming from.
I want to know what to do about it. When really it's like, at this point, I'm just being asked to feel things and just allow myself to feel it because energy wants to process, it wants to move on. I don't need to know why.
And this week, I actually realize I'm like, oh, I haven't been feeling my stuff. Desperately, I think I just want to move forward.
And so a lot of times I don't want to get mired in like what I might deem as like negative or sad, because I'm like, oh, this is how I deal with it. This is how I deal with all this stuff.
It's like I'm like, well, I don't want to get lost in the negative part of it. But guess what? We don't have control over that.
Like, we don't have control over when the feelings are going to come or how they're going to come or if they're going to come. So we can only control like what we do when the feelings come.
So today I had the afternoon to myself and I knew this was coming. And I was like, okay, oh man, I have this time to do stuff. What things do I want to do?
And I could not get myself to do any of the things. None of it felt right. I was like making lists of like, these are all the things that I want to do.
These are all the creative projects I have. When the lists weren't working, I was like, okay, I'm going to complete a bunch of these chores. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll do chores. And I'm like trying to do them. I'm like, I don't want to do these chores.
And then I'm like, oh, maybe I'll just go online. Ooh, I'm going to buy a bunch of weird things online. I'm like, Sarah, stop yourself.
Like, stop, stop. I'm like, okay, great. But well, then maybe I'll watch this like new true crime documentary.
And I'm like, is that, is that really gonna feel good? And then I was like, no. No, no, no.
Like you are avoiding yourself. You're actually trying to make the feelings go away because the feelings are there. They're underneath all of it.
That's why none of none of these things are working. Like I'm grasping at straws to just push them away.
29:45
Clarity Through Emotion
So I dug deep. I was like, no, you need to do the opposite thing. Instead of trying to ignore these feelings or placate them or stuff them down with all this like dopamine, which is basically what I was doing.
I was like, I need a dopamine hit. Give me a hit. Distract me from my life and my feelings, you know?
So I like laid down and then I found one of my like playlists, my like sad playlists. And I was like, okay, let's do this. And I just cried.
And like, luckily I was alone, right? I closed the window too, because I don't want to be the weird person who's like wailing out the window. But I cried for 45 minutes straight and I just listened and I let it out.
Eventually I was like, okay, okay, there we go. And then I was like, okay, now I kind of want to bring my energy up a little. So I changed the playlist and I was like, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna dance.
Well, I mean, as you know, I'm not allowed to exercise. So I did my best to like dance without moving, which was like wiggling my arms around. But hey, it was something, right?
And I basically let it all out until there was nothing left. And guess what came to me? Like once I let it all out, once I felt my feelings and I let them out, clarity.
It was like five minutes after I stopped, it was just like this gentle landing of intuition and knowing that just landed in my brain.
Like once I'd kind of created that space, all of a sudden I could see this pattern and I could see that this wall that I keep hitting, let's say again and again with my health, right? With this fatigue, especially.
Like I feel like I keep hitting a wall, like I cannot go any further. My body is shutting down, right? With all of it.
I'm seeing that all of these roadblocks that I believe are keeping me from doing what I love, right?
I'm like, I can't work on the podcast, I can't do my intuitive work, I can't write, I can't share creatively, like I can't build this better life for myself. Because of all these roadblocks of my health.
What I'm seeing is I'm like, oh no, they are actually a redirect. They are showing me that I need to look somewhere else right now. Because it's not about solving or fixing my health stuff or putting all of my energy there, right?
I'm putting all of my energy into fix, into heal, into getting better. I'm putting it there so that then, then I can do the things I want to, right?
It's actually about doing those things right now, not doing them at like this perfect, amazing, far-advanced level that like I think I should be doing, or that my soul sees this vision of like a future. I'm like, I should be there right now.
I should be there. It's like, no, do those things, but do them as I am now, today, as I can, in whatever condition I am, right? And it's not gonna look or feel professional.
It's not gonna feel or look easy because I'm not there yet. But I can't bypass getting there by thinking about it anymore. I can actually share more openly, like I could.
I could be more public, I could be more frequent, but I'm scared. And so I've hit this wall in my health because I've put up a wall in my expression.
And until I start making changes in this other area of my life, my health will continue to suffer because I am still deeply afraid of being seen.
And I want to believe that once I feel good enough, or I look better, or I have more energy, I want to believe that then I'll be able to, and then I'll be ready, and then I'll have the confidence and the capability to put myself out there.
But that's not it. Right? That's not it.
This this other part of my life is actually calling for my attention now. And I'm just scared. So I'm stalling, I'm waiting, I'm procrastinating, and my health is showing me instead of putting all my energy there, it's like, no, shift it.
Move your attention over here. This is the thing you're not doing that you could be doing. It doesn't feel obvious though, because I'm like, well, if I just start sharing, how's that going to open up stuff in my health?
I'm like, I don't know, but I'm trusting that I'm being shown this for a reason and it makes sense, right? Because I've hit the roadblock and I've been doing the same thing again and again and again and again.
It's not that there's no progress, and it's not that I'm not doing aligned things, but here's where the unlock is. It's over here.
34:16
Baby Steps Forward
So I find myself here right now, after I had that moment today of clarity, and I'm taking a small step again to like talk about myself, talk about this. I'm sharing, I'm gonna process in my own way, but I'm gonna do it not in isolation, right?
And I'm saying these things out loud because maybe it's helpful for someone else to hear what I'm moving through. And maybe it just like makes you feel a little bit less alone in what you're moving through, because we're all going through our stuff.
You know, it's just that our stuff, it takes on different flavors or colors. It might not be the same stuff, but it's all stuff. And stuff is hard.
Earth school is hard.
And I think when we forget to honor the feelings and emotions that come along with all the stuff, or we're not taking that moment to sit with it and feel it because it's hard to sit with those things and it's hard to feel those things, and to maybe
feel desperation or grief and all the pain, right? We think if we go there, we're just gonna feel like that all the time.
When in actuality, that's what makes it more excruciating and isolating, is when we don't feel the feelings because then we're just leading our life every single day, trying to avoid them by doing other things. So, yeah, this is my baby step today.
I'm like, oh my gosh, I've wanted to share, and this is a part of my unlock. This is something I would like to do more. And it's it's a challenge for me.
But that's also meaning it's, you know, it's my mountain to climb, right? I can focus over here on the health stuff for as long as I want. It's still important.
But I can also start taking baby steps towards the thing that I don't want to do, that I deeply do want to do, but you know what I mean, because we all have these things. This thing that is the hardest for us to do, right?
Like, give me another diet change, give me another like weird routine I need to do, give me 10 more hours in my day where I can work on all of my heavy-hitting health things and spiritual work and intense healing work.
But no, what about just showing my face? What about just sharing my experience? What about doing that a bit more?
So, yeah, I'm sharing now. And I'm gonna share one of my playlists actually that I use when I really want to feel the sad stuff. Um, the one that I was listening to today, because I don't believe it's about staying in that frequency.
And like, trust me, I don't want to listen to that playlist all the time at all. But it's it's useful when I'm I want to be present, really present with like the intensity of my feelings, so that I can like let it do what it wants to do, right?
Which is just express and just move. And, you know, if you want to move through some sad or get some tears out or whatever, I'll put the link to my, I've called it Mistress McFeely playlist down below. It's a little bit of a nod to uh Mr.
Rogers. Okay, so yeah, thank you for being with me in this like mess. And I have recorded a bunch of other episodes actually for my sex and relationships series.
I just have not been able to like complete the process. So they're there, they're sitting there, they're in the can, as you could say, but I haven't shared them yet. But I think this was more important.
I really wanted to just update. So until next time, I will be here, not exercising. And, you know, in the background, hopefully maybe I'll rip off more of this band-aid around expressing myself and sharing.
Maybe I will, I don't know, communicate through my email newsletter or even on Instagram. Maybe I'll make a video. Let's just like put, I'm putting that intention out into the ethers.
Um, because I think knowing in a way that someone, anyone who's listening, like is energetically holding me accountable, like that makes me feel like it's gonna happen. Like that is helpful for me.
So honestly, if you'd like actually to connect with me in either of those places, in my newsletter or on Instagram, I'll put the links below. And I just, yeah, appreciate your support. You know, we can all help each other right now in different ways.
And maybe you feel less alone today, and I feel less alone knowing that you're like rooting me on to express myself more. Okay, so I'm sending energy and transformation your way, my friends. And yeah, we'll talk soon in the next episode.
Thank you so much.
