Progress report
An update one month into creating this podcast and the act of expressing instead of suppressing has opened up a can of worms in my body & my life.
*Heads up* If you don’t like eye wounds skip the photos below.
Hiii 👋 Coming at you with a woundy blood eye! But, hey, I’ve graduated from a play kitchen studio to recording while sitting in a real chair at a real desk!
Three of my fun “friends” came to visit for the holidays. Walking & standing has been a challenge
The GIF that made everything alright again 🙏💨
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This is Divine Interruption.
I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.
Hi, I'm back, I'm here.
Ooh, yes, I find myself here, and I just need to talk about what's going on.
I need to check in.
This is almost like a progress report of sorts.
I'm finding that since I started recording about a month, five weeks ago, just so much has come up maybe even from doing this, like in this experience, it's teaching me a lot, and it's bringing up a lot of different lessons.
And I find myself churning those thoughts.
What am I learning?
What's happening?
What's going on?
Churning them in my brain, maybe putting them into a note on my phone or writing it in my journal.
And I had to stop myself today when I was getting so worked up about trying to understand what's happening and what this process is doing, and say, hey, no, now you're going to express yourself into a microphone.
You're going to get this out and in the moment, and that's the whole point.
So, you know, old habits can die hard sometimes.
But I just wanted to check in about all of it because a lot has come up, and it's been in all sorts of different ways.
I almost feel like starting to do something that you know you're meant to do for so many reasons, but haven't been doing, likely to, it's a reflection of other parts of your life and where you're holding.
And for me, in terms of, you know, suppressing things, suppressing how I feel and the thoughts that I have and the ideas and all of that, that's everywhere in my life and how I deal with people and situations and everything.
So, this process by now, speaking things out into the open, has just opened up a whole can of worms.
And it hasn't all been very comfortable.
Like, I still know this is the right thing to be doing for me, and it does satisfy something so deep inside, and yet it's also bringing up so many more things.
And I'm finding that my body just has no, what's the word, no capacity.
Like, it does not tolerate any form of suppression anymore.
And because I've been holding myself in that way for, you know, almost 40 years, and keeping things inside, it's such a habit, and it's such a way of being, that I was so good at it, and it became so normal.
And now that I'm talking, it's like pulling this thread, and it's unraveling so much, and my body really doesn't want to hold on anymore.
And now that I've opened that up, it's opening it up in other situations, which has just been, you know, it's a lot.
It is like reflecting back to me so much and helping me recognize, oh, I didn't know I was doing it in this situation, or here or there, but oh my gosh, yes, I am.
And that's why I just was like, I need to sit down today, I need to talk about this, because I'm unraveling all over the place.
And it can happen in like a moment.
I'm finding that there's these, just these little moments where I'm doing chores and I'm getting frustrated and angry about it.
I'm recognizing, I'm like, oh, I'm really mad about doing this right now.
And I'm telling myself this story of I have to, and if I don't, something bad's gonna happen, but it's my job, and there's no help for me.
And like the silliest things, but within five minutes, without maybe stating that out loud, like saying to my partner, hey, oh man, I know the laundry needs to get done, can you help me out?
I really am too tired, or I need to eat something, or whatever.
Instead of doing that, I just turn it all over in my brain, and within five minutes, my whole body is on fire.
And this has gotten so much louder to the point where, yeah, I'm really recognizing that it needs to get out.
So it's like every cell in my body is turned on, I feel angry, I feel frustrated, I feel a heat in my palms, in my head, there's a lot of pressure.
And I found myself twice, like within a span of two days, doing chores specifically, and getting really angry about it, and then going into the bathroom and like breaking down.
But it was nuts.
It was like I went from a state of zero to 60, so quickly within just five minutes.
And I had to scream, and then I had to cry because I was so upset.
And from the outside, I'm like, oh, please see, like no one is witnessing this, because this is a bit much.
It's super dramatic, but it's also just what's happening.
And I could feel it happening, and I was trying to stop it.
I was like, this is stupid.
Don't be angry.
Just do the stupid laundry.
Do the dishes.
Who cares?
But now the body says no.
The body says, no more.
Nope, I'm not tolerating this type of behavior anymore, Sarah.
Like you are going to talk about it.
And once I did talk about it, something as simple as, hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed with the chores, and even just having my partner hear me, not even like fix the problem, I felt such a deep relief.
I was like, oh, this is where the piece is.
The piece isn't expressing.
The piece isn't, it doesn't come from necessarily solving the problem, which in my head is a huge major problem.
I'm like forever, the rest of my life, I'm chained to the washing machine, and my life is over.
You know, it doesn't even matter.
Even if he couldn't help me in that moment, just being able to say that out loud, like, hey, I'm really frustrated about this.
That is a game changer.
So that's coming up more and more.
And it's very messy, I will say.
And you know, I have to take myself with a bit of a grain of salt, but I'm realizing the body is leading this process.
Like it's not my mind.
My mind is trying to keep me in the old way of like, no, no, no, that's silly, or don't do this.
Why does it have a voice like that?
I don't know.
This is a very like judgmental lady voice.
So yes, that has been happening a lot.
This can of worms of now really needing to share, needing and wanting to get things up and out of my body, like a level that has been expedited beyond what I expected.
And it's very obvious to me.
And also, yes, the process has been uncomfortable.
It's also just been really all over the place.
I've been doing this podcast or speaking almost like a job in moments, and that's like a default.
And it's this mentality of like, okay, we need to schedule everything in, and we're gonna do it at this time and that time.
And when you're feeling tired, you have to keep going and trying to plan it.
And it's not working.
It feels really not good.
Nothing is like flowing when I act like that.
And it's really this unfolding and trying to be in a space of, okay, where can I fit this in?
And I kind of feel like doing a little bit of this now, and then maybe tomorrow I'll do a little bit of that, or maybe I just need to rest, or maybe I've got green goo spraying out of my ears right now, and I need to sleep and watch, you know, episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker.
Like, it is a much more up and down, just allowing type of process, and yet I want to control it.
But when I do try and control it, it doesn't work.
So, at least there's that.
I, again, am being schooled in all of the ways that, yeah, I don't really have control, and I just need to show up in a different way.
I can't keep trying to do things in the old way I was doing them.
And that means just finding little pockets of time, or when I want to express, like now, this morning, the desire to express, I'm recognizing what that feels like, and then I can do something about it.
It's not about planning it and scheduling it for a certain time, because that's not when it needs to come up and out of my body.
So, yeah.
And it's needing to come up and out right now, because I'm also in such a physical state of, I don't know, what's the word?
I want to use the word distress.
I'm not sure if that's the right word.
But again, my capacity is so low, and having the physical body not work in a way, and having it purge, because that's what it's doing, right?
It's purging something.
It's purging these things.
There's a lot of pain involved, and a lot of goo.
I've already talked about that.
And I am right back there right now, the past few weeks, it has gotten so much worse.
And it has humbled me beyond belief to be in the space again, where it's one thing to be going through it and managing.
And then there is a point sometimes where it gets so bad that I do start to tip over into like, oh, there's a lot of fear there.
What's happening?
Am I doing something wrong?
It's bringing up some of those old behaviors.
And I think that is a part of the purge too, right?
I'm purging thoughts, I'm purging beliefs and ways of existing, not just whatever the green shiz is coming out.
And that means, yes, talking about it, expressing that.
Even this morning, I am here for a reason.
I haven't been out of the house really in quite a few days.
And I have one of these, I'll just call them volcanoes, okay?
Wait, whatever.
The volcanoes, the boils, the expressions out of my skin.
I've got a huge one on my ankle.
So my entire foot and ankle is swollen.
It's disgusting.
It's like this big puff.
So I have one big puff foot that is excruciating.
So I kind of like hop around on one leg.
The other leg has two of them on the shin.
So I can't really touch anything there or lie on them.
And then I've had this one on the inside of my eye, which has been quite dramatic.
And that forced my right eye almost completely shut for about a week.
And then also the pressure of that was putting pressure into my ears and my head and my face and all my lymph nodes and my neck, et cetera.
So that really forced me to kind of, hmm, have to slow down and not do very much.
And it's been Christmas break, the kids have been home.
It's been, you know, harder in one way, having them home all the time, but also easier in another way, because there's no schedule, there's no like get up and go, and even saying get up and go, ooh, I like need to take a deep breath, because that really stresses out my system, the idea of needing to push beyond my limit, and sometimes getting kids to do things when they have to be somewhere, that is really forcing me to push beyond my limit.
So yeah, today was the first day back at school, we're getting them ready, and I'm up extra early, and I'm like, oh, the body says no, the body says no, like I'm hobbling around, I need to get something to eat, getting them out the door, everyone's upset, everyone's late, we're missing library books, blah, blah, blah.
And they're on their scooters, because that was the one way that we could kind of get them excited about school, because they did not want to go, and when they don't want to do things, man, they just don't do things.
It's like walking a dog that sits down in the middle of the intersection, which I have done, like a great Pyrenees, like a huge, huge dog that just sits down, and you're crossing the street, and you're like, oh, no, you've sat down.
Like, I can't do anything.
I can't push you, I can't lift you up.
I just have to wait for you to go.
You're in control.
And sometimes, that's what these six-year-olds feel like.
When they don't want to do something, they really don't.
And you have to be creative and dig deep.
There's no just like lifting you up and making you go to school.
So that's kind of where we were at this morning, and they're on their scooters, and I'm realizing, okay, I'm gonna have to carry their backpacks, and then I need my smoothie, because if I don't eat it, I'm gonna have no energy, even in the like 10 minutes it takes us, 10 minutes it takes us to get to school and back.
So then I've got my own backpack, and I've got their two backpacks.
So now I'm not just one backpack.
I have three backpacks on my back.
I've got a smoothie cup.
I can barely put my shoe on because my ankle's so swollen.
And finally get out the door, we're walking there, realize that they don't really know how to use their scooters as well as I thought, they were like Christmas gifts and they haven't practiced a lot.
So they don't really know how to use the brakes.
So they're kind of whipping down this hill and the brakes aren't working and I'm getting a little stressed out and I'm hobbling and I'm in pain and trying to control them.
And then they're getting upset because I'm being too slow.
And it just spirals, it spirals in a very short amount of time because I'm already recognizing before I was out the door, oh, the body's saying, no, like, I can't do this right now, but I kind of have to.
My partner's got a work call, like, he's got a meeting, he cannot do this.
So we're doing it, and then we're getting to school, and then everyone's getting upset because they actually don't want to go into school.
And then, this isn't even interesting.
I don't even know where I'm sharing this.
This is just kind of what brought me here.
But we're taking helmets off.
One of them wants to get their hair done.
There's no hairbrush.
I've got these three backpacks.
They fall off my back.
We're taking helmets off.
Everyone's angry, cold, knocks over my smoothie.
So it's like starting to form this huge purple puddle.
And it's just a mess everywhere.
And then I've got one girl half crying, and the other one's like, Mom, your smoothie, your smoothie.
And then as we're doing this, and I'm trying to do the hair and pick up all the things, there's like a small group of children starting to form around us in a circle.
And they're like, what is that?
And they're pointing, I was like, it's just a smoothie, hey.
And then they're staring, and I'm like, why are they staring?
And then I'm recognizing and remembering that I have a huge, weird, gross, bloody sore on my eye.
So I'm disgusting, and I'm just incapable of even standing.
I'm like, I'm gonna fall over because I can't hold my own body weight.
And it just, it was too much.
They go into the school, the bell's ringing, and it's over, and then I'm like, how am I supposed to carry my backpack and my smoothies all spilled, so I have no breakfast?
And then I can't pick up these scooters, and they're not breaking down.
Like, I can't, I don't even know what the word is.
See, I'm getting upset as I'm talking about it.
But trying these simple, simple, stupid little tasks, and I was just so overwhelmed in that moment, and I felt like I was being just a maniac, and I just wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry.
I'm like, how can I do this?
How can I just walk myself home and be okay?
And I did it, and I was mad, and I had tears coming down, and I don't know, I got home, and then I just started bawling, and I was like, I just can't.
It's like when you can't be in the normal world.
I was like, how can I not show up for 10 minutes and just be okay and do something as simple as that?
And in that moment, too, that's like a very, I don't know, that's like a suffering mindset where I assume, we all do this sometimes, but I'm like, I'm the only one, because I'm like in my own pain and frustration.
When I have no idea, like, I'm sure that everybody there is going through something, right?
It might be different, but most of us are not, you know, throwing tantrums at the school when we're dropping our kids off, but everyone's trying to do something and get somewhere and who knows what's going on.
So I just want to recognize that because it's very true.
It's just, I was in my own pain in that moment.
And that's kind of what brings me here.
Just this recognition of like, okay, I need to talk about it.
It's okay.
And I think in the past, a lot of times I wouldn't want to share anything with anyone because I was always so aware that they were also going through something.
And unless my thing was somehow more, I don't know, more painful or more important, whatever that even means, then I just wouldn't share it because it felt unfair.
I'm like, everyone needs their time and space, but then all I'm doing is shutting it down.
And everyone's pain is valuable and important and worthy of being, I don't know, being expressed.
And there's a space for that.
So I'm like, I can talk about this.
It's silly and stupid, and that's okay.
But once I say it out loud, then I can let it go.
And it's not a big deal.
And I came home, and my partner hugged me, and he's like, I'm so sorry, you're going through this.
And then he's like, did you get my important text?
And I was like, no.
And then I opened up my phone, and it was an infrared gif of someone farting.
And it was the silliest thing that made me laugh so hard.
And I was like, it's okay, I can laugh at this.
Okay, so anyway, that's what I'm saying.
That's what brings me here.
Again, it's like things are coming out and up, and I can't stop them.
And that has just been expedited through this process.
And yeah, it's been really up and down, really messy, and I can't control it.
I also recognize that although I, like in the beginning, when I did four episodes, I like recorded something, I was like, wow, oh, this is a really big deal for me.
And I'm really proud of myself.
I'll just keep going.
And I started to feel kind of sick.
And this is again, normal body stuff, but stomach pain, headache.
And I was having a session with someone, went to one of my healers, and she's like, oh, you haven't completed your creative process.
You're holding on somewhere.
And I realized, I'm like, oh yeah, I am not publishing anything.
I'm just holding on to these episodes and realizing that, hmm, okay, I'm still afraid of putting myself out there.
I'm just doing part of the process.
And that has not completed.
So yes, to feel the relief, even energetically, I have to complete that process, which is getting it not just up and out into my computer as a file, but then sharing it publicly.
So I went home that night, and I did.
I was just like, okay, Apple podcasts, like publish, put it out here, like it's done.
And the pain subsided quite quickly.
So it's crazy, again, just the body kind of leading the way in this process and recognizing that I can still get in my way.
You know, this is, it's a learning, it's a deep learning.
And yeah, it's still so much resistance around being seen and just this old way of being, which is hiding.
And even in publishing out these episodes, I had to decide if I wanted to put like an explicit rating.
And I was like, huh, like what exactly would make this explicit or what is deemed explicit by the different podcast hosts or whatever.
And when I even looked that up, there really is no specific terminology as to this is, or this is not, it's kind of subjective.
I really had to sit and think with myself around, I'm like, is what I'm saying explicit?
It doesn't feel like it at all.
I'm trying not to swear.
Sometimes you just need a good swear in there, you know?
It just needs to come out.
But I feel like even what I'm talking about, I'm like, is it explicit?
Like body stuff, you know, maybe it is graphic.
And things that I want to talk about is talking about sex.
Is that explicit?
Is talking about your true feelings explicit, like truths and experiences?
If I'm treating them in a way where I'm really speaking my truth and trying to be in integrity, and I don't think I'm being overly graphic or oversharing or gratuitous or anything for shock value.
But it really also got me in my head as to whether I'm like, is it or isn't it?
If I swear in one episode, does that mean that my entire podcast is explicit?
And then that made me hold back too.
So it's still there, this fear of being judged or saying the wrong thing or putting something out there and being misunderstood or hurting someone.
What if something I say like offends someone or hurts someone or brings something up for someone?
And I could just go on and on forever.
And there's so many reasons as to why I would want to hold back and not put something out there.
I'm sure there's so many people that identify with this in so many different ways.
So, I don't know, it's really caused me to pause a little bit, but then at the end of the day, I'm like, no, you still have to get this out.
This is your process, and I need to do this for myself.
I need to do this for my physical, not just like mental and emotional health, but like my physical health needs me to speak this.
And the truth will include some things that are just very real that I have not spoken.
And I'm like, why aren't we just, can't we just talk about this?
So yes, I'm going to.
And I don't think it's explicit.
Maybe someone who's like seven years old should be listening to stuff about, I don't know, grown up themes.
But I don't know, I do think I'm treating it with reverence.
So who knows?
There's also a part of me that's like, wait, what if people don't want to hear this?
Like, would you want to hear someone talking about the deep inner depths of like the relationships they've been through?
And I don't know how they felt about them.
But then I'm like, yes, yes, I would.
That's what I love.
That's the stuff I love talking about.
And when I meet other people or have conversations, that's what I want to know.
I really want to know just how they're doing, and what's going on in their brain, and what have they been through, and how does that make them who they are?
Or how are they managing the challenges of just being alive?
And not everyone is into that kind of thing.
And I realized that.
And yeah, it's just not everyone's cup of tea.
But that's why I'm here.
I'm like, oh, I still get to express this, and it will be for someone.
And if it's not for anyone, it is for me at the end of the day, right?
This is the process, and this process is helping me close off old chapters in my life.
And I was aware that that was a part of this.
But then as I've started doing it, once I tell a story or weave together some different experiences and then share it, it's done.
Oh, my gosh, like it actually, it's like it leaves my psyche and I don't have to hold on to it anymore.
I can delete the notes in my phone that go back for years, that are all around maybe that similar experience.
But I've reiterated and spoken about it more and more and more, and yet it's still the same thing because I haven't fully expressed it.
Now, I can just close it.
It's like it's done and I can stop thinking about it and holding on to it.
It's like having these expressions through my skin, right?
Once they actually leave, it just scars over and the scar is this finality, and that's what this is.
Once I put this out there, it's just done for me, and that is a gift.
That is so exciting because it's creating more space inside of myself.
If I want to go somewhere else in my life or transform into the person that I'm becoming or going back to whatever we say, there just needs to be more space.
And to start over, I can't hold on to this old stuff anymore that includes these stories.
So it's pretty cool that way.
And I can see that, yeah, this is just a part of the process.
So I don't know how long it's going to last either.
I don't know how many stories I have to share, and I'm just allowing that to be the way it is.
So that's where I'm at.
We are here learning a lot, and the process of becoming is expediting itself physically and emotionally.
And I don't believe I'm the only one going through this as well.
We each have our own specific flavor, but it does feel like things are picking up in some way, and energy is pushing us to do the things that maybe we were too afraid to do or that we know.
Because deep down, it's like you just kind of know.
If you let go of all the thoughts and all the noise, you're just like, oh yeah, no, I really want to do that.
I just didn't think I could, or I thought it would be too hard or too scary.
I am here to say that I am shocked that I've actually done this and that I'm sitting here and that it was very possible.
And it's like, if you just break something down into little steps and just start doing it, you just do it and you get lost in the process and stop worrying about the bigger picture.
When you're not doing the thing, that's a very painful space to be.
And you find ways of avoiding that thing and trying to fill your life with other things to distract yourself from that fact.
And that is very painful.
It's like it's hiding under the rug, but it's always there.
But when you start doing it, even if it is messy and complicated and embarrassing, like this whole thing, even me right now, I'm like, I'm going to listen back to this, and I'm going to just squirm in my chair because of the amount of times that I say like, and you know, and right?
Like I say those things all the time.
And it's really uncomfortable, and it's not as good as I want it to be.
And I'm learning, and I'm being humbled again and again because I have this vision of what I want it to be and then what it actually is.
But I'm doing it, and really that's all that matters because then it lifts this weight off your chest.
You're like, oh, I'm putting in my piece.
Now, other circumstances in my life or the universe or whatever it is, other people, those things can now meet me because at least I'm doing my part of the bargain.
I'm putting in my work.
I knew I was supposed to do this, and I'm not ignoring that anymore.
I'm doing it now.
So even if it's not the way I want it to be, it's not perfect, I'm actually doing it.
And that is such a relief.
So I just want to say that if anyone else is trying to start something or ignoring something.
Anything, honestly, anything in your life where you already know, but it's so scary.
Just starting, it also sounds so annoying.
Someone's like, just start doing the thing.
You're like, yeah, okay, I know.
But I can't.
And I just want to say that I'm still in that energy of, yeah, but I can't, or I can't actually tell people I'm doing this.
Oh, okay, now all these things are public, but I'm not going to tell anyone.
You just rip the bandaid off the little parts and let it go.
And then at least you've done your work.
And you could, I always think I'm like, what if, yeah, we don't know.
Anyway, oh my gosh, are we going to get existential?
This was supposed to be like 10 minutes of an update.
But really, if we weren't around tomorrow, which is very possible, what would you say to yourself?
You'd be like, oh man, you'd look back, you're like, I never did that thing.
And that was really the whole, I was like fighting that my whole life.
Why didn't I just start doing it?
And at least if you start doing it, maybe it doesn't end up being what you thought it was going to be.
Like this podcast, some people start podcasts and do them for years and that becomes their main outlet or it becomes their business or whatever it is.
What if, like what if even for me, I'm just meant to share like 12 stories, but that sharing of that thing leads me to realize something about myself that leads me on a different path.
Like I know it's a part of the path.
I don't know where it's going or what it's meant to be.
But what if I just did the thing and then it's not a big deal anymore.
You put it under your belt, like I did that thing and then it led me to the next thing.
It's about actually doing it and being in the process and moving through those uncomfortable bits.
And if you do them in little bits, which I am, doing these in small parts, it is possible.
It's not easy, but it is possible.
And now I can say, okay, soul, yeah, I'm listening.
I'm doing the thing.
At least I'm doing the thing.
And then, yeah, there's just something, there's such great relief in that.
So I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.
Thank you for listening.
If you have, if you're still here, if you've shown up, whatever it may be, and I'm going to do my best to keep doing this when it feels right.
And I did mention too, I'm going to be putting up all the episodes on my website, just so that I can throw in some photographs or maybe some extra information.
I always feel like there should be like a little extra context.
I don't know, when people share things, I'm always curious about, oh, what did that time look like?
Or what is that person they're talking about?
What did they look like?
Or what does that time feel like?
If there's more that I can share, then I want to do that.
So I will say, I do have a lot of like graphic body pictures, but I feel like that's also important for the story, and it's someone's choice if they want to look at those or not.
So yes, I will put that in the show notes, I think.
And just know that going forward, then you can find a little bit more content per episode on my website.
Okay.
Thank you for hanging in there, and I will talk to you soon.
Okay, bye.
