Note to self
A quick update on where I’m at-a familiar place called stuck. And a bike ride proves (irritatingly so) that stuck may indeed be exactly where I need to be.
Post bike ride 🚲
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This is Divine Interruption.
I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.
Who else is going through it right now?
If you're going through it right now, raise your hand.
Me over here.
How about you?
Everybody else?
Wow, I just wanted to jump on and say a few things, almost as like a note to myself, to be honest, as a reminder of where I'm at and how to kind of be okay with where I'm at and what's going on and just to kind of check in.
I have so many other things that I want to do.
I have some episodes of Reading the Room that I want to do.
I want to talk about other things, but I can't really deny the reality of what's going on and where I'm at and how things feel.
And my body has been in such revolt lately.
You know, I can kind of pass for normal sometimes on the outside and can be hiding a lot on the inside or, you know, under my clothes, whatever it may be, or how I'm feeling or the fatigue that I'm in.
But it has been just on overdrive lately, and it just shoots me straight back into a lot of old feelings and patterns and frustrations.
And I'm also, you know, having new conversations with my insurance company, and that has been very...
it's proven to be dehumanizing.
I'm in a situation again, which I found myself in many times, having to really prove to the world that I'm not doing okay or that what I'm experiencing is real, that I have real symptoms, that I've had an MRSA infection for over a year, going on almost two years.
And these are things that I've been met with my entire life, especially in a medical sense.
You know, you're not real.
Why haven't you figured this out yet?
What's wrong with you?
That doesn't make sense.
You don't fit in the box.
And then because we don't understand you, we are instead going to tell you that what you're experiencing doesn't exist or that it's not real or that maybe you don't deserve support for that or you should be able to override and be better, right?
We're telling you that you're better.
So that has, yeah, brought back a lot of old feelings for me.
I even remember a doctor telling me once when I went in to like a walk-in clinic and are looking at my skin and being like, you're 24 years old.
Why haven't you figured this out yet?
So that's a theme for me.
So all of this to say has brought up a lot of things.
So I'm feeling very stuck, very trapped.
I feel like I'm fighting with myself and with my life.
This is just one person here.
This is just me.
I think this is truly a reflection of the energies at play everywhere right now.
And a lot of things breaking down and blowing up and just wanting to, I don't know, just be somewhere else or have a different reality, just kind of bypass what's actually happening.
And just as I see so much more for where we're just headed as a group, as a world, I can see that and I can hold the vision for that.
And I can also do that for myself.
It's hard when you see something for yourself, you see another life or you see another way or another existence.
And yet you're here in this body, in this situation, and you're like, like, how do I hold both or why am I here?
And sometimes I'm in acceptance and I get it when I have clarity.
And then I feel like I'm thrown right back into more situations.
And then all these old patterns come up and they trigger all the feelings.
And then you're like, no, I'm still here.
How am I still here?
I thought I worked through this.
And sometimes I wonder if it's a little bit of like psychic confusion, too, because I think we all see things for ourselves, right?
We all also have that vision and we can see our futures in some way at different capacities.
And I feel like that's so easy to do for other people.
You know, I'm like, oh, this person's soul.
I can see all of these things that they can do and how they can mold their life and how to move through things.
But then you do it for yourself.
And sometimes I'm like, am I seeing?
Is that is that truth what I'm seeing?
Because I'm trying to get there and it doesn't feel like it's happening.
Or why hasn't it happened yet?
You know, it's a lot harder to hold both of those.
And so when things get really like rough or I'm like, you know what?
We're going on year 10 now, this insane breakdown, which again, I don't need to even say this.
I think we're aware.
It's like, I'm grateful for it.
I've learned a lot.
I've been through all these lessons, blah, blah, blah.
I have evolved as a person, but that's not what I want to talk to him about today.
Today, I am in it.
And I just want to have more clarity, or I just want to move on to the next phase.
I feel sometimes like my actual, my energy, like my soul, I can feel it.
And it's like 10 feet out in front of me.
It is not in my body.
It doesn't want to be here.
And it keeps running ahead.
It's like living in the future.
And it's holding this vision.
But I just need to get back in here and be where I actually am and not living in this future because I need to exist here.
I have things I need to move through and work through and learn.
And I'm really struggling to hold both of those.
I can't keep running away.
And I know the limitations in my life are here for a reason.
And often when I bump up against them, after I come down from the initial, like, ah, I'm so frustrated.
This effing sucks.
Like, why am I being stopped from doing these things that I know are for me?
Or I'm trying to get things going over here.
I'm trying to heal this.
I just, oh, like, what is wrong with me?
And then I kind of come back into my body and I'm kind of shot right back down into like, no, this is where you're at.
It's like I rebel like a toddler and I like throw a tantrum.
And then I'm so exhausted that I just collapse into my limitation.
I'm like, oh, okay, I'm so tired.
I don't have the energy to like push harder than I can.
And that is usually where I can actually feel, oh, this is the boundary of where I'm supposed to be playing right now.
This is my sandbox.
I'm not supposed to be concerned about this vision I see for myself that I don't know when it's happening.
If for me, it's like, well, I need to make it happen now.
But this may be 10, 15, 20 years down the line.
I don't know, and I'm here right now in my reality.
So the limitations are helpful, but man, are they just so irritating.
And I come here today because I have today away from the children.
And that is always like this exciting moment when I'm like, oh my gosh, what do I want to do?
Like, what can I do?
What would feel really good?
And I wanted to go for a bike ride this morning.
And I haven't been exercising in such a long time, in weeks.
And I go through these spurts where it's like I have the energy and then I can feel the pull.
And so I thought, oh man, yeah, I'm going to do this bike ride.
I'm going to feel super good.
Then I'm going to make a really nice meal.
And then I'm going to do something creative, or maybe I'll just take a nap, whatever I need to do.
I finally get myself going.
There was a moment where I was like, actually, I don't know.
Maybe I'm too tired.
But you know when you don't know if it's your body that's tired, or if it's just your mind that's tired, it's trapped in this old pattern of being like, no, I'm too tired.
I can't do anything else.
Well, no, you need to push yourself a little bit and be a little uncomfortable because I think the benefits are going to outweigh any form of physical exhaustion.
So I pushed myself.
I put on my four different pairs of shorts.
I have normal underwear, then cycling padded underwear, and then I had longer bicycling shorts.
And then I had a normal pair of shorts because I haven't been on my bike for a while.
And I'm like, I want to feel a little extra squish.
So I got ready.
I wrapped my hands up because of the skin stuff I have.
And I got on my bike.
And we have really nice trails by my house and super naturey.
They go for hours.
So I could go for an infinite amount of time, essentially.
But I knew I was like, okay, I'm going to kind of time myself to make sure that I have enough energy to come back.
So I'll go to the end of this one spot, and then I'll come back.
And it was really nice at first.
And then I just feel this like whoosh behind me, and this bike just zooms past me, and this huge dirt cloud just like starts flying in my face.
And I'm like, how are they going so fast?
I'm like, oh, it's an e-bike.
Okay, like they have a motor on their bike.
And I realized I'm like behind this guy, and he keeps like kicking up all this dust in my face.
I'm just trying to get really irritated.
And I finally stop a few times, let him get way ahead, and then carry on.
And, you know, there's people walking, there's people with strollers, there's dogs, there's other bikes.
And I have many other cyclists past me, and they're on road bikes, they've got slick helmets, they've got a full kit on, they've got their little like clip-in shoes.
And then I'm like, oh, man, like they're going so fast.
Like, why can't I go that fast?
And I'm like, I used to do that.
Like, I used to be into cycling.
I used to be better at things.
I'm like, I used to be athletic.
My body used to do things.
Like, I did triathlon, I ran, I swam, I actually cycled and was stronger.
I was stronger, I was fitter.
And so then I start like playing these stories in my head.
I'm like, oh man, with my like four pairs of shorts.
And I'm like, this is just kind of bullshit.
And I'm just starting to like, just think about the past and how I'm like not measuring up.
I'm like, okay, keep going.
And maybe it's been about 20 minutes.
I don't know.
I feel like when I hit 30, I'm gonna like turn around because I can tell I'm like, okay, sorry, you haven't done this for a while.
You don't want to get stuck.
And at some point I'm like, I go past this one path and I stop.
And I'm like, you know what?
No, what's this other path?
I've never been up here.
I've done this trail many, many, many times, right?
So there's a part of it, you know when you drive the same route to work or to a friend's house and you always go the same way and you get bored, that's just, that's me in a nutshell, like I'm just like, no, we need to take a different way.
I need to have different scenery.
I need to be stimulated by my environment in different ways.
And so even biking, if I don't have something new, I can get really bored going on the same route.
So I veer off and I go through this tiny little thicket, and then I hit a different road.
I'm like, oh cool, okay, I'm gonna go down here.
Ooh, there's farms and there's cows and there's sheep.
And I'm just starting to feel, I was like, oh, I'm finally like paying attention.
I'm like, this is amazing and it's new.
And I hit another road and I'm like, if I take this road, I have a good sense of direction.
This will like take me back home, but on a different route, it'll match up back with the trail and I can do it.
And I had a moment, I was like, should I?
I was like, what if it, I'm like, no, you're fine.
I was like, I didn't bring a snack.
I didn't really have breakfast.
I was gonna come out for a quick bike ride, but I'm gonna do it.
So I'm passing farms and I'm picking up speed and going down this road and I'm going up and it starts to get really steep.
At some point, I'm like, oh my God, I have to get off my bike.
I'm like, I didn't used to have to get off my bike.
I should be able to do this.
And I was like, no, I think you're like, you're just not strong enough.
Like you have to get off and just walk your bike, like get over yourself.
And at some point, pulling up Google Maps, I'm like, this isn't even on the map.
And a part of me thinks, I can do this.
But this other part of me, this knowing part is like, just go back the way you came.
You're getting exhausted.
You haven't eaten, like your capacity equals low.
So I make my way all the way back down.
I'm exhausted.
I hit the road.
And I'm like, I could go back the way I came, or I could go this other way.
And this other way, it makes sense that that should match up with the trail.
I apparently don't want to just go back the old way.
I have to keep pushing.
I have to keep going this new way.
And I do.
I go up another huge steep hill, and down, and up, and down.
Look at the map again.
I'm like, I think this is going in the wrong direction.
But then a part of me doesn't want to give up.
And eventually I'm like, okay, you're screwed.
You can't do this.
You need to get home.
So I turn around and I go back.
And as I go back, I see this huge sign that was hidden that says, no through road.
And I was like, oh my God.
If I had just paid attention or seen this from another angle, I would have seen that this is not a road that connects with anything.
So I'm like, F, okay, okay.
And I'm starting to recognize like, oh, I think this is a lesson.
I'm like, damn it.
And then finally I make it back and I hit up with the trail and I'm like, what a wasted adventure.
And I'm like, now I just have to go home.
My butt hurts and I'm tired.
And I'm going back and I'm like, okay, why did that just happen?
I just made a huge kerfuffle for myself.
This was me pushing through my boundaries, pushing past my limits because I don't want to stay on the path.
I've taken this path so many times, it's laid out, but I feel so stuck on it.
And I just want something new and I want to change and I want to shift.
And so I'm like deviating off the path.
And I could see today, I deviated off this path because I wanted a different experience.
And then I was pushing myself beyond where I was meant to push.
And even the fact that if I had just taken a minute or listened a little bit more or accepted my capacity, I could have seen that there was even like a no-through road sign.
The universe hides all sorts of stuff from us.
But my body and my body was saying no.
And then I was allowed to like go on this crazy adventure that sucked and made me exhausted.
And I had moments where I was like, oh my God, if I get stranded up here, what am I going to do?
Like my family's not here.
I don't have any snacks.
And so this metaphor of like this path and like being on the journey of life or our own paths.
And I'm like, they're going faster and they're getting to where they need to go and focusing on other people's stuff and where they are and how fast they appear to be moving or where I think they're going.
Whatever I've attached to that, that's just me being pulled off of my path, right?
I'm getting distracted.
I'm getting frustrated.
I'm feeling like I'm not good enough.
And then seeing these other cyclists who reminded me of myself in the past.
I'm like, oh my gosh, now I'm focusing on my past.
I'm focusing on other versions of myself, where I used to be, what I used to be capable of.
And that's just causing even more distress, right?
It's not helpful.
And then there's me wanting to completely just deny where I am.
I'm like, no, I need to take this other way.
I need to just, I need to figure out something new.
I need to see something new.
I need to push.
I need to go harder.
And I couldn't.
That was a limitation.
There were boundaries.
And I was shown, like, you just wasted all this time and all this energy to deviate off the path when you could have just enjoyed where you were.
Do you know what I mean?
I could have made it back home.
I wouldn't have been exhausted.
And if I could just slow down, I would have enjoyed the nature that was around me.
I would have been able to be actually present.
And it's like when we're present, then we can hear and feel ourselves.
We can feel when our body is getting tired, or it's like, oh, I sense that I should probably turn around.
Because those senses are within us.
But when we're focusing outwards, when we're thinking of this huge vision, when we're trying to get somewhere, when we're trying to deny where we are, when we're focusing on other people and comparing ourselves to our past or the vision of the future or other people, like we don't know where the boundaries are.
Or that is my experience.
And it just requires slowing down even more, which can be very challenging.
And there's this phrase that keeps coming up for me in moments.
And it came up when I was biking home, and it's like, know your limit, play within it.
And I'm pretty sure that is a slogan for the British Columbia Lottery Corporation about gambling.
And I think it's perfect.
Even in the showers and mornings, I'm saying it, like I'm hearing it over and over.
And I'm like, Sarah, this is your mantra.
Super boring mantra, but this is your mantra.
We need to know where our limits are.
I need to know where my boundaries are.
And I need to just play within them at this time.
It doesn't mean that there's not a future vision and there's not places that we're going, but we need to be where we are and like live and accept those limitations.
But honestly, when we're raised in an environment that essentially tells us to do the opposite, that's been my experience.
I feel like everything I learned and the society that I've witnessed and grown up in has always shown me to override my emotions and my body and my capacity and my knowing.
It's always telling me to actually know, F the limits.
You need to go farther.
You need to make shit happen.
It's like you need to push yourself.
And let's not listen to when we feel sad or when we feel down or when we feel tired.
Like, no, you need to go harder.
And so I think it's actually a really challenging thing to do.
And I know it's what I'm learning right now.
It's what I've been learning for years.
And I feel so trapped in the limits of my life, and I can get so angry.
I find myself throwing these little tantrums during the day sometimes.
I'm like, I don't want to do this.
Like, yes, I am grateful for all of these things.
And I know I should be able to just sink into this, but I'm like, I don't want to.
Like, I don't want to.
I just want to be doing all these other things I see for myself.
And I think it's like, I'm doing something wrong, or I feel like I'm failing when I'm not there yet.
And yet, we don't know, you know, everything that's planned for us or how we're gonna get to that next thing.
And for me, it's been about truly doing less, thinking less, slowing down, and stopping and seeing these limitations as an actual gift, where it's like, no, this is where I'm meant to be right now.
And if I keep jumping outside of this, if I keep pushing past the boundaries, I'm only gonna get hit with more, more limitations, like even more, like how much more needs to be piled on top of me to tell me to slow down, right, or to accept where I'm at.
And yeah, my body is always doing that, and the circumstances of my life are doing that, and I'm still struggling with it.
So note to self today, know your limit, play within it.
And this might not be the message for everyone.
You may be learning something completely different.
Maybe you are actually learning to push through discomfort.
And to be honest, I think there's so many subtleties to all of this, where there's a pushing when it's meant for us, like today on the bike ride, I kind of felt like, okay, I need to push beyond the limit of me being stuck in not moving my body.
That felt like a good discomfort, where it's like, no, I can push through this.
This is like a mental thing where I think I can't move.
But then I pushed too far.
So yes, there's subtlety there.
Sometimes a push is good, and we need it to get us going.
But I don't think pushing ourselves beyond our capacity, like when our body is saying no, right?
Or our life is trying to get us to accept the circumstances and be here now and face what's coming up for us, regardless of how irritating it feels or how angry it makes me.
These are all feelings that my body also wants to express.
And if I'm focusing on pushing beyond that, then I'm actually denying those feelings, right?
I'm actually suppressing them.
But it's just another way of, I don't want to feel those things right now.
I don't want to feel bored and irritated and mad.
And I'm like, oh no, that's what my body wants to do.
And if I don't allow it to do that, things are going to get a lot harder, and I'm probably going to be stuck here learning this same lesson, repeating these same patterns again and again.
So yeah, that's where I'm at.
I just felt like I needed to share that, or even share this for myself as a future note to self, because I'm pretty sure I have many other notes in my phone that say the exact same thing.
It's like, oh, the limitations are a gift.
I'm like, F you, limitations.
I'm meant to be flying in the sky with wings and making magic.
And yes, I see that for myself, but just because I'm not there right now and I still have green pus coming out of my body and I still nap sometimes four hours plus a day and I can't manage my day-to-day life, and that sometimes feels shameful and it also feels frustrating.
That's okay, because this is where I am.
And I need to remind myself of this every day, sometimes on the hour, sometimes every minute I have to be like, it's okay to be here.
It's okay to be here, because yeah, I need my soul to be in my body.
And that's how I'm going to create all these magical things I see in the future is by actually being here, not just dreaming it and fluffling around out there, taking other paths and climbing up a mountain when I haven't even been on a bike in like five months, you know?
So, okay, that's all I came to say.
And there will be more to come.
I still want to share all my stories and do more readings on the podcast.
That's all happening.
But just know I am an inconsistent being if you haven't guessed that so far.
I'm going through quite the process.
So the fact that I even get an episode out to me, sometimes it's miraculous even if it's once a month.
That's just where we're at.
So thanks for being here and we'll talk soon.
Okay, bye.
