Call of the selkie - part 2
Called cryptically by my ancestors, I find myself embarking on a pilgrimage through Scotland steeped in the mystical folklore of The Selkie. This is Part 2: Buried Burdens.
My experience shifts as I leave the Highlands and enter the big city (complete with underground caverns…)
Intense & opposing energies in Edinburgh
Views from my first climb right after the rainstorm stopped 🌧️⛰️
Leaving behind offerings & ancient burdens 🌹
Made it up the second part of my climb
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Top of Arthur’s Seat in Holyrood Park
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This is Divine Interruption.
I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.So I'm picking up where I left off in my last episode, where I essentially made this journey up all the way to the northern tip of Scotland and to the Orkney Islands, and had felt all this magic and synchronicity and flow and connection.
And then I find my way back down to Edinburgh.
And that's where I want to pick up the story, because things really started to shift from there.
So as I left the Orkney Islands, and I start making my way down to the Highlands and down to Edinburgh, as I move more and more south, I noticed the energy is shifting.
I'm starting to feel a bit different.
I'm picking up on different things.
And, I don't know, I'd been to Edinburgh as a kid.
I don't remember anything, but we're talking about a very large city, right?
You know, there's more than 500,000 people.
And I had just come from a very, like, nature-filled space with a lot of open air and views.
And now I was entering into this really, really epically old city filled with people, filled with energy, filled with experiences.
And it was a big shift.
And that seems really obvious.
Of course, it's gonna feel different.
But I will say, as I stepped off the train in the city, I'm just feeling like energy, like just energy pulsing under my feet.
I feel energy pulsing in my skull.
Like, I'm getting a headache, and I'm like, ugh.
Just like, don't feel good.
And as I was making my way around, like, I really wanted to love it.
I think sometimes we have expectations, and it has nothing to do with the place itself.
It had to do with something that I was moving through, but that can really color the place you're at.
So I just want to make this clear, this is not about Edinburgh.
It's an amazing city.
But the experience that I had there, especially in the beginning, it was just, it was very confusing to me.
And I found it really hard to feel grounded.
I just feel like I've got this pulsing headache, and I just can't get comfortable.
I feel like I'm kind of crawling in my skin.
And as that energy just shifted, it felt like my trip and like the meaning of my trip and what I'd experienced was shifting too.
And up until this point, I had felt like rainbows and unicorns.
Like I literally saw unicorns, okay?
I just want to say I saw unicorns.
You know, in my minds, I was seeing those things.
So I felt like, I was called here by my lineage and like my healing and coming home, and it was so beautiful.
But may I say, we don't always acknowledge the other side of things, the discomfort that comes in healing something or shifting your energy or making changes in our life.
Like that is not by definition comfortable.
And when we truly want to transform something within us, a lot of times that can come with a lot of darkness or confronting things that we are not comfortable with, or you know, maybe we don't think we're ready for, or maybe we will never look at.
And it was like I had stepped into another point on this journey, where I was entering into a different form of this healing.
And I met up with a friend, and we went for this really long walk.
It was like over two hours all around the city.
She was showing me everything.
And then at one point, she's like, oh yeah, like she mentioned the Underground City.
And I was like, I'm sorry, Underground what?
Like, what are you talking about?
There is an Underground City.
And like I really knew nothing about the city.
I didn't even research anything.
I just ended up there.
That's kind of how I did this trip.
And it turns out, I don't know the full history.
My brain does not retain this type of information.
But essentially, there were like these vaults that were built underground.
They've been there since like the 17th century.
They were supposed to be used for storing purposes.
But later, they became actually inhabited.
People who were homeless and disenfranchised made their way into these underground vaults, and they would live there.
And all sorts of things, like nefarious things happened down there.
And some of it is, I think, just story.
I don't know if all of this has been proven at all, but they were saying people have been killed down there.
And a lot of horrible things happened.
And whatever actually happened, all I know is that when she said that to me, I was like, okay, now I'm feeling it even more.
This chaotic, imprisoned energy.
I was feeling imprisoned.
I was feeling like I was beneath the earth.
I was feeling like there was this energy beneath me, and it felt dark, and no wonder I couldn't handle myself.
I am very sensitive to all of these things, but there's also just so much history here.
And this city is so old, and so much has happened there, right?
There's so much depth.
And it was like, I was feeling these layers of experiences and these old, buried stories and existences and memories.
And, you know, sometimes, like I was saying, we need to go to the depths of ourselves to confront our deepest selves and those things that maybe we're not ready to look at.
And I was feeling that, and this city was reflecting that to me.
Everything that had happened underneath the ground, all of this really old stuff.
And I just wanted to get back to the open air and the rolling hills of the Highlands.
I was like, no, no, no, take me there.
I don't want to be here anymore.
And I was trying to make myself feel comfortable.
And I was like, I need to get through a couple of days here.
It's going to be fine.
I'll just have fun, I'll make it work.
But yeah, I just wanted to jump out of my skin.
That's the only way I can describe it.
So I had booked a reading in advance with someone at the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Center.
This is where they do mediumship and intuitive readings and things like that.
So right up my alley, sometimes when I, I don't know, want to mark an occasion or I'm just ready for a shift, I like to book a reading with someone.
It just helps me.
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's like going to counseling, right?
Someone can see something that maybe you can't, or it's just a validation of something.
So I'd booked this reading before my trip.
And it was something I was really looking forward to.
I was like, oh, perfect, I'm going to meet this other person, and I'm just going to have a reading and see what comes up.
She was awesome, and we connected about why I was there, and she was able to connect with all things about my ancestors and why I was here and on this journey and all of it.
And it was quite great.
I think we had like five minutes left.
And in those last few minutes, we stumbled upon just like a hot button topic.
And I will say, this is why I love working with other energetically sensitive people, because I feel like they can connect with something that I'm feeling and seeing within myself.
Like that's essentially what you're doing, right?
You're just both connecting him at the energy.
And it's just like my favorite thing to do.
I'm like, oh, you're feeling this too.
You're seeing this too.
So she stumbles upon this thing.
And she's like, oh, it's something about your relationship.
And right away, I was like, yes, yes, like I am feeling that too.
There's just something here.
And I just feeling uncomfortable.
And this had happened when I kind of entered the city, too.
I was like, what's going on here?
Like, I've got this awesome partner, we've got a family, but there's something here.
It feels kind of old, too, like something underneath.
Maybe I don't want to look at, that I'm not ready to look at, or I'm afraid of looking at.
And so she says that.
And I'm like, yes, oh my gosh, tell me what's going on here.
So she just looks at me and says very casually, yeah, like it's over.
Like it's, well, she said it in a Scottish accent.
She's like, it's time to move on, love.
Like, it's time to move on.
And I said, huh?
And she said, yeah, you know, there's someone else for you, and there's someone else for him.
And it's just time to part ways and move on because you each have a new leg of your journey, and you just need to listen to your soul.
And yeah, I think it's over.
And this was maybe 30 seconds of conversation.
And then she's like, okay, thank you so much.
The reading's been great.
So nice to meet you.
And essentially, like, the reading is over.
Now, I just want to say, I think this is why many people, you know, aren't interested in getting readings or don't go to psychics or whatever.
There's a lot there that I can also talk about another time because I've experienced a lot of this.
I have a lot of opinions about it.
I get it.
If someone tells you that it's time to just break up your family and move on, these are things that you are likely not always wanting to hear.
And I think a lot of us are afraid of being told something that we're not ready for, that maybe doesn't even feel right, and we don't want someone to tell us we need to change our life.
Yeah, I get it.
Because in that moment, that was a lot.
In the end, we had this amazing reading.
At the very end, she just says a few things.
Yeah, it's time to move on.
You need to break up.
And I'm saying, we have kids together?
I have a family, and I love him.
And as she's walking out, she said, Oh, Anne, your ancestor is just saying, you need to climb to the top of Arthur's seat, which is like this old inactive volcano.
It's this really big hill in the middle of the city.
It's really epic.
You have a nice view.
And she's like, yeah, you have to climb that.
It's really important.
And so at this point, I wanted nothing to do with any of that, because one minute before she'd essentially exploded my life, and she had validated my worst fears.
She had brought up everything from my past, every moment where I had been with someone and had knew I had to move on and start over, like this feeling of always having to start over, and this feeling that I couldn't have a family.
And this is going to be maybe challenging for me to describe, because you're going to say, well, just because someone tells you in a reading, like, you need to break up your relationship, doesn't mean you have to do any of that.
And if it doesn't resonate, then like, just don't do it.
And I would agree.
I would say if something doesn't resonate, it likely is not for you, and you never have to give away your power to someone, especially when it comes to such deep, personal things like that.
But here's the thing, this was something that was inside of me.
This wasn't something she brought out of nowhere.
This was something that I had already felt, and had felt so deeply for so long, throughout my entire life, that that's why having her say that validated that fear for me.
It was like the one thing that I never wanted to look at, she had somehow found and told me was true.
This feeling of, I would always be alone, I would somehow need to go off on my own if I wanted to be true to myself, or if I wanted to live the life that I knew was meant for me, like what was in my soul, I would need to be alone.
And that is, again, one of my very core wounds, if not the one that I've always carried, that's been underneath everything I've done, is the sense of being alone.
And I need to choose myself, or I need to choose someone else.
I can never have both.
I can't have a family and be true to myself.
I can't be in a relationship and be true to myself.
It's either or.
So, when she said that, it was as if she was saying, you're right.
That yucky feeling you have, it's real, and you do need to leave.
And I stumbled out of that reading.
I'm like on the streets of Edinburgh, and I'm like reeling around.
I'm like, oh my God.
And it was just, oh, you know those moments where your breath is just taken away.
When you've been winded, you fall off the monkey bars, and you land weird, and you're winded.
You cannot breathe.
It was like that.
And it just felt like within 30 seconds, my entire life had been decided for me.
So I'm like choking back tears.
I was like, I don't know what I'm doing.
And it just felt like my world had just come crumbling down.
And I was just having this like freak out.
I go into a grocery store because I'm like, I know I need to have food for later.
I need to get back to my Airbnb.
I don't even know what I bought.
I bought the most random shit.
I was feeling insane.
I was like trying not to look like I was crying.
And I just picked stuff off the shelves.
I was like, oh, here's a bottle of olive oil.
Oh, a bag of potatoes.
I'm going to buy four chocolate bars.
Oh, here's a container of hummus.
And I remember buying like a dozen roses.
I was like, and some roses.
I can't tell you why.
And then I leave the grocery store and I'm just kind of stumbling around.
I'm like, what do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
And it was this knowing that all of a sudden, everything was going to change.
I just believed it.
I was like, well, now everything needs to change.
My soul has spoken.
This person saw it and felt it and told me what I was afraid of.
And now I'm going to need to be brave and I'm going to need to be strong and I'm going to need to go home and I'm going to need to end things.
Like I'm going to need to end our relationship.
I'm going to need to like move out.
We're going to need to break up our family.
And I'm just going to need to say goodbye to everything I've built and start over.
Now I need to go do that.
And essentially she had just brought up this like lurking darkness.
And I felt like I couldn't talk to Nick about this.
So there was this moment where she said, this is what's happening.
And then my brain was saying, okay, this is all on you.
You need to figure it out.
You need to leave.
You're going to have to get back from your trip and make all these decisions.
It was like it was all decided already.
And I needed to do this on my own.
And I couldn't talk to him about it because, number one, he was going to think I was crazy because someone else told me this, and he'd be like, what?
But then I would have to tell him about these feelings I'd always had that were actually not personal to him at all.
But it was going to be very difficult.
I'm like, this is going to really hurt him.
How is he supposed to interpret this?
If someone tells you like, I need to leave and I think I need to break up our family because I went to a psychic reading like, you're going to have some feelings about that.
You're like, I don't think so.
I just didn't think he would understand because this was something I'd always dealt with.
And I didn't think it would make sense.
So I felt like I was very alone.
I reached out to a friend and thank goodness I did, because she was very helpful and able to see the situation from afar.
And I realized in those moments, we don't need to hold that all ourselves.
And there are people out there who can be there for us.
And I think I've forgotten that sometimes, not because of anyone else, but because of myself.
That is the pattern.
I'm like, I need to be alone, and it's on me to figure it out.
So reaching out to her was helpful to begin with.
And I'm so glad I did that.
And then also I was like, I do need to talk to Nick.
And I had this poll.
It was like, well, there's this other option.
And it felt foreign to me, but I was like, it felt like there might be relief there.
I was like, well, what if I just tell him this?
What if I'm just honest?
What if I actually tell him how I'm feeling and what happened and why?
And I did.
I just called him, and he was like, well, I'm just waking up.
How are you?
It's so nice to hear from you.
And he could sense like I wasn't okay.
And I had a really hard time coming out with him.
I just kind of said, I'm not feeling really good.
And I just want to come home.
I really want to come home.
Everything's different here.
I kind of waffled around that for a bit, and he was very understanding.
And then I was like, no, I need to tell you something.
And I was truthful, and I was vulnerable, and I had admitted, you know, here's the thing that happened.
I think you're going to think it's crazy, but this is very real to me.
I'm panicking, and this is why.
And we talked it out.
He talked me through it.
He was very honest, and I was very honest.
For me, it was beautiful because I was shifting my behavior.
I was changing a pattern.
I was expressing myself instead of feeling alone, and I realized he could actually hold that, and we came together.
Instead of coming apart, we came together.
And in that conversation, I was like, oh my gosh, maybe I don't need to leave.
I don't need to leave.
When I talk to you, and we're truly honest, I realized that we actually have this life together, and all of these things, and I already knew that.
But having him reiterate it to me and say, I understand what you're talking about.
And it's okay, you don't need to make this decision, and we're just going to go day by day, and all of the things.
And I could just express my truth to him, and he could hold this.
It was just kind of mind-blowing to me.
And there was a sense that, well, if I can express myself fully, that's what my soul needs me to do.
So if I can do what my soul is asking and also be in a relationship, and also receive support and have a family, then I can do both of those things.
I can merge those two worlds.
I don't need to sacrifice either or.
So when I got off the phone with him, there was like, oh, this immense relief.
I just felt like a burden had been lifted.
And at that point, I realized, oh my gosh, it's been like all day, it's been hours where I haven't eaten.
I've been in this like, you know, emotional distress.
I'm like a mess.
And I'm like, hey, you need to make yourself dinner.
So I like pull out my potatoes and my olive oil and my chocolate, and I start like making whatever.
And as I'm like roasting this potato, this story from when I was on the Isle of Skye and our tour guide had been telling us all these folk stories, this story washed over me.
And it was the story about the selkie.
They're like beings that are half seal and half human, and they live in the ocean, but they come to land once a month to, you know, dance under the full moon, something like that.
And they take their selkie skin off, so their seal skin, and they become human, and they dance on the earth together, you know, having this ritual and this ceremony.
But then, when the sun comes up, they put their selkie skin back on, and they go back into the ocean, they go back to their home, where they're free and alive, and they're just being themselves.
And the version of the story I heard was that there was these selkies doing that, they'd taken off their skins, and they were dancing.
And a man came by, and he saw how free and uninhibited they were, and how beautiful they were, because they were just these wild beings, you know, in this essence.
They were dancing, they were of the earth, and of the land, and of the sea, and had all this spirit.
And he's like, I want that.
I don't want this to end, like witnessing what they're doing and how they are.
They're so soulful.
And he's like, I want that.
I need that in my life.
So he steals one of the silky skins and hides it and wraps it up.
So when they go back into the ocean, she's missing her skin, and she's like, where's my skin?
Like, I can't go back.
And they end up meeting, and he's like, oh, you don't have your skin.
Well, you can come with me.
So she goes with this man.
They end up living together.
They have a relationship.
He's in love with her.
And she, over time, like really does love him too.
She's like, wow, you're wonderful.
And they have this life together.
And they end up having children.
So she has this very human life, but there's always a part of her that is like, where is my skin?
Where is my skin?
I need to get back home.
I need to get back home.
That desire is always under there, where she is truly herself.
She gets to be free, you know, in the ocean and be in her true skin.
But she loves her family.
She loves her life.
She's become accustomed to this way of life, but it's not fully who she is.
And in this version of the story, the husband takes the kids one day to some sort of fair that came to town.
And it's this big thing, and he's never left her alone before.
When he's gone and the family's gone, she goes looking for her skin because a part of her knows that her skin is there, and that it was taken from her in some way.
So she finds it tucked away in a trunk or something.
And as soon as she sees it, the pull is so great.
She puts it on and she's gone, and her family comes home and their mother is gone because she made her way back to the ocean.
This story washed over me again, and I'm like, oh my God.
And it was so steeped in the culture, and in my ancestors, and in the magic, and in the story I felt of my lineage and of me.
I cried so powerfully and so loudly.
Like, I was on the floor, and I was just like shaking back and forth.
It's like my potato's burning in the oven.
And I'm like, that is the story of, specifically like my female ancestors.
Like, we have been carrying this, this feeling of not being able to hold both.
Her soul and her needs and her wildness had been stripped from her to live a normal life.
But she also loved that normal life.
She loved her children, like she loved her husband.
It wasn't that she didn't love them or love that, but she felt like she could never truly be herself.
And to be in that life was to be caged, was to never fully be herself or be fully expressed.
And when she had the opportunity, she left.
And that's how I had felt when I heard that in this reading.
It was like, yeah, you have to move on and you've always known, because you will always have to keep moving on, because you cannot be yourself, you cannot be fully expressed, you cannot be wild and free and have that freedom that you so yearn for in a regular life, in a normal life, in a relationship with a family, in a normal job.
You will always be sacrificing a part of yourself.
And I just felt that so deeply.
I'm like, I'm the Selkie, and so many of us are the Selkie, and my ancestors were the Selkie.
And I never thought I could have love and be free at the same time.
And that being at home was never truly home, because I was destined to live a life where I had to always choose between love or freedom.
And I would either need to sacrifice myself to touch love and have connection, or I would need to sacrifice my being and my connection to something greater and my wildness and my soul.
So that story is just so deep and painful and just profound.
And it was like she didn't have a choice because when she had the opportunity to choose her soul, she chose her soul, right?
She couldn't abandon herself, but she did abandon, like she left her children.
And I don't know, I've just held that belief my entire life, and it's always just been there.
It's not like someone necessarily taught me this.
I can definitely trace patterns through family members that there is some of that there.
But I also just felt it within me, like underneath everything I did.
I always knew that there was this connection with love and pain, and to be in love was to be in longing for myself, if that makes sense.
And I always just knew that at some point, I would need to abandon that love.
So there was a part of me that never wanted to get too close to anyone, and this is very deep down.
It's not something I would just like flippantly realize from day to day.
But when I really felt into it, it's like, wow, I'm really afraid of deeply connecting or committing at a deep, deep level, because I know it's going to be taken away from me, and I am actually going to be the person who takes it away, which is even more painful.
Like, I'm going to be the one choosing to leave.
I just have always felt that.
And that made me not want to get close to people, even close to my children.
There's, you know, maybe that's hard for me to admit.
I'm just saying it.
There's like this deep down thing of fear of, well, if I get too close, like I can be super close, but deep down, I'm like, but then it's going to be so painful when I have to leave.
Like, isn't that crazy to say when I have to leave?
Because I knew I would always have to leave, but I didn't, on a conscious level, always know that.
I just knew deep down, there was this thing.
So in that afternoon, in those 30 seconds, and then the hours after that, I came face to face with this, like, insane pain, this burden, this grief, this loss, and honestly, this pattern that just spanned centuries.
Like, I felt it.
And in that moment, I chose differently.
I made a different choice.
Instead of feeling like I had no control, or this is just what has to happen, or you need to repeat this pattern, like, I chose to reach out and just say, hey, can you hold this with me?
Can you talk this through with me?
And that felt so hard to do.
And maybe it seems really simple.
For me, it wasn't.
It was such a huge fear to even admit that I had those feelings, and then to share that with my partner.
And, you know, I do and always have had a fear of getting married.
And again, there's a lot there, but in connection to this, it's just always been this fear.
It's not personal to the person I'm with at all.
It's just a fear of being held or caged or contained, and in that is this fear of losing myself, of giving myself away.
And I just want to choose differently, but choose from a place where I've come to recognize why I'm choosing differently and how meaningful that is.
So yeah, yeah, all of that was purely divine, to be honest.
I needed to be sent that message in that specific package so that I would confront that fear.
And it wasn't as simple as, there's moments where I'm like, oh, wow, to tell someone that in a reading, in what seemed like such a flippant way, I'm like, is that ethical, or how did that feel?
But I just know that the message came through that needed to come through.
And it doesn't mean that the message was, you need to leave your family.
It came through that way, but that was so that I could then move through that pain and discomfort and come out on the other side.
I was given an opportunity.
It wasn't about the reader or her skills or the way that she delivered that.
That was just meant to be, right?
The message sometimes comes in a very weird way, but I also needed it to come from that person because of how I respected her and then how I also had reverence for that type of soul communication, right?
I took that very seriously, and I took her very seriously because of how connected she was to me and the things that she told me, and we were able to connect on.
Yeah, I had to confront the fear, like that was a part of it, and the fear was so huge because it was so old, and it wasn't even mine.
Like I inherited that fear, right?
We inherit what comes before us.
I know that they can even scientifically now that's becoming more common is this recognition of how trauma actually gets passed down through ourselves, through said many generations, and I think that's helpful.
But I also think, I don't know, when it's moving through you and you're having that experience, does it really matter what or how or who?
Or if someone says that's real or not, I will always come back to that.
I'm like, it was very real for me.
So we have to honor what's real for us.
But yeah, I inherited this, and I was called to move through it and to heal it.
And the energy that I'd felt when I entered that city had been building up to that reading, right?
The intensity, all of a sudden, everything shifted.
I was feeling it.
I couldn't escape it.
I felt caged.
I felt this ancient energy, like this darkness, this churning.
That was because of all of it.
It wasn't even just the city.
The city was a perfect reflection of how I was feeling and what I was moving through, but it was also that energy that I was feeling, building up to healing this thing.
So, the next day was my last day in the city, and I remembered, I was like, I need to hike that mountain or that hill, right, in the middle of the city.
I was like, that's what I'm gonna do.
And I brought the roses that I'd bought, so that felt very guided.
I was like, why the hell would I buy myself roses when I was just about to blow up my family?
Like, I don't know.
But I bought them for a reason, because then I was like, no, I take the roses, and I take them up this hill, and it's another pilgrimage.
Like, I need to go up this, and I need to leave an offering and kind of mark what I've moved through.
And when I got there, right away, it was again that feeling of this just divine order.
Like, the flow just flowed over me.
It wasn't any more of this angsty, like, confusing back and forth.
It was just that synchronistic feeling, and I was just guided.
I saw this man as I was walking down the Royal Mile and leading the way to this trail that was going to go up this hill.
And for some reason, I was like, huh, there's something about him.
He was shiny.
I was like, I just need to watch him.
And as I watched him, he went a different way.
He went up this other hill, and I was like, I'm just going to follow him.
I know I'm meant to follow him.
I don't know why.
And as I follow him, yeah, we went on this other mountain.
I'm just going to call them mountains, okay?
They're not mountains, but it takes a decent amount of effort to climb up these hills.
And I followed him, and he took me up this different hill.
And it seemed easier.
And I had not worked out in a very long time, dealing with chronic illness, all of the things.
So I was quite exhausted.
And I was like, this is better.
This is a smaller hill.
Maybe it's a different view.
Follow him up that.
And as I'm going up, every step I take is just feeling more and more important.
And then there's like this flash, torrential downpour.
It's coming over as I'm kind of reaching the top of this mountain.
And of course, my music turns on, I kid you not.
Random songs, nothing that's in my playlist, and everything is so meaningful to the point that I'm like, oh my gosh, I've overcome all of this, we're healing our lineage, blah, blah, blah, I'm on this pilgrimage.
And I reach the top of the mountain, and then the rain just stops.
And there's this amazing view of the city.
And I find this little area, I sit down, I'm like, oh my god, I made it, I made it, I made it, I'm here, and there was just all this like love and gratitude I was feeling, and I took out the roses, and I was like, okay, and I just kind of knew.
Again, I like went into this ritual space, and I started taking the roses, I was putting them in a different formation, each one, and I was like thanking the rose as like a different part of my, I don't know, family line.
I was like, thank you for this, and this is what we're letting go of, and we leave it here today, and all that stuff.
Then I just spent some time there, and it was just so beautiful.
And I was like, okay, I did it, I did it.
As I kind of turned, I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go down.
There was this other sensation.
I was like, no.
And I kind of look over, and I look to see the bigger hill, like this other mountain next to me.
And I'm like, no, you need to go beyond.
You need to go past where the ancestors are.
Like it's your time to now leave behind this story, not just for them, but for you, and you need to climb higher.
And I just had this energy kind of move over me.
I took one of the roses, I was like, no, one of these roses is actually mine.
I'm not leaving them all here.
So I left 11 there, and I took the 12th one, and then I left them, and I said, thank you.
Now I'm gonna go on my own journey.
And so I don't know how long it took me.
Again, I was so tired, but I was like, no, this may be hard, but you have to like buckle up because you're doing this for yourself.
You're gonna push yourself harder and farther, and you're gonna reach greater heights.
And you know what I did?
Again, each step, I was leaving behind like more and more, and all these burdens just felt like they were falling off of me.
And I was like, I'm doing this for me.
I did the first track for my family and for my ancestors to clear something for them, and therefore for me.
But now this leg of my journey is like, it's about me being in my body and starting something new.
And I wasn't gonna be bound anymore by that old story.
And of course, I reached the top, the other mountain, and then again, the sun just like parts behind the clouds.
And I find this special spot, I put this rose in the grass, and I'm just sitting there with it.
I'm like, this is for me.
And I'm like crying.
It's so dramatic, right?
It's like a movie, but it truly was.
And as I'm sitting there, these crows come in, they make like this triangle around me, and oops, I'm knocking over my microphone.
I'm getting very emphatic with my hands right now.
And I just knew, I was like, hey, you guys are with me.
Like, you're watching over me now.
Like earlier, when I was starting this podcast, crows lined up outside my window, 12 of them.
They all came out of nowhere and just lined up on this fence.
So I know that that for me is like a sign that they are an embodiment of that energy.
So this family of crows was there, I just hung out with them for a while.
And I just knew that I'd broken through something.
And I really felt it like within me.
Like I'd carried our lineage up that mountain.
I laid that burden to rest.
And now I'd conquered something new for myself.
And the rest of the day just unfolded magically.
Like I walked the bottom of that mountain.
And guess what?
At the bottom, I found this amazing restaurant where I could eat all of the foods.
And I'd researched multiple times to find something before, and it all felt too far away.
But I just stumbled upon it.
And I went in and I like ordered from the menu, and I felt like a queen.
Because for me, that's a big deal.
And I could eat everything.
It's like, this is amazing.
And then as I walked home, I went a different way.
And then I found different stores where they were like the gifts.
Oh, here's where I'm going to get the gifts for my kids.
And oh, here's something for my partner.
And oh, here is the jewelry store where I found the necklace that I was looking for.
Like everything was just, it's like my journey was wrapped up in a bow.
Yeah, it all felt very special.
And like things had been wrapped up, and I was going to leave the next day.
And the next morning, I got a random text message on my phone, and it was automated, and it said it was from the local sexual health clinic.
Before I had gone in for tests, I don't know, six months before, I had never even thought about the results of those tests, like PAP tests, and it came back, and it said my tests had all come back clear.
And years before, I had been diagnosed with like high-risk HPV and cervical dysplasia.
So essentially, it's like abnormal cells growing on the cervix that can lead to cervical cancer.
And I would have to go twice a year, whatever, to get it checked out.
And they'd have to take a biopsy and be like, how are the cells doing?
Are they getting worse?
Are they healing?
Whatever.
And this has been for years.
And I just got this text out of nowhere that just said, everything's okay.
Like it's gone.
All of it is gone.
The high-risk cells are gone, and I no longer need to monitor it.
And I was like, this is profound.
I have just healed this part of my body.
And if you have a female body, like this is where so much of our wounding lies, right?
It's, I just feel it's connected to so much.
All the times we've had our power taken away, every moment where we felt caged or persecuted, where we had to sacrifice ourselves for others or just society in general.
And the cervix, specifically, is said to be like the gateway that connects our bodies to our spiritual selves or to the spiritual realm.
And it's connected to like creation and emotional expression.
And it is the source of our life force.
And my life force had been deteriorating slowly for years.
And not just within me, but in the women who came before me and struggled to exist and struggled to survive as they just sacrifice themselves again and again, to survive in a very patriarchal society, a society that was devoid of so much of the magic and the intuition and the connection and the creativity where they had to abandon themselves again and again, and their wildness and the connection they entered their soul.
And I had just been guided to confront all that pain and destruction in that part of my female lineage that was connected to all of these things.
So in that moment, I was like, this is beyond, like the day before I did this, and now my body, like this is telling me that my actual physical tests have come back and I have cleared this.
And that's when I realized like I did bridge this gap between these two worlds of soul and society, and that I was brought here, I was guided here to close that specific gap.
And now both of these worlds can live within me, where it's a combination of the sacred and the mundane, and like all of those things can exist together now, they do not need to be separate.
And when I came back from that trip, I really, I came back changed, and it was just all because I listened to that urge, you know, this kind of odd calling to follow this unknown path and just let it unfold.
And not only did I unearth and heal this like deep seated pattern, but I just woke something up in myself, and I realized that I was strong and capable, like I could do hard things.
I also conquered my own fears, like I said, about eating and talking to people and being in difficult, unfamiliar situations.
And I just recognized, like, I am connected to magic so much more than I realize.
And I know that we all are, and there's so much magic to connect with when you feel where you're from.
And that doesn't, again, mean it has to be, I see this ancestor, I know who this person is, and they're telling me this.
For me, it wasn't even like that.
Even when I energetically connect with, when I say ancestors, what does that mean to me?
You know, I opened this with, what does that even mean?
You know, what does that even mean?
For me, I don't see a set of people necessarily.
I just feel an energy move through my body.
Sometimes I see a color, sometimes I hear a song, and I just know it's them.
Just like when I was guided, I wasn't the specific people.
I just knew, I'm like, oh, I'm working with bigger energies here, and they're helping me do something, and it's healing me, but it's also healing them.
And this isn't like I healed everything.
I think I wanted it to be that, oh my gosh, I did this pilgrimage, and I healed everything.
I don't think it's like that, but I do think that was a big part of my story and their story that we did work through, and that I do feel change, and I can sense that within myself.
And there's gonna be other things that are gonna continue to come up, because it goes back so far, and our families have experienced so much, and I think we are here to work through a lot of that energy.
And literally, as I'm recording this, there is a puffin that has shown up on the background of my computer.
And I've never even seen this picture before, but puffins, yeah, they're, they're Scottish bird, and they're so cute, and I got to see them in person for the first time ever on that trip.
So they're here, the crows, the puffins, the emerald color, the goose bumps.
It's all very real.
So thank you for being here, and we'll connect again another time.
