Seeing eagles and s**t - part 2
Currently in another wave of spiritual awakening, I reflect on my first (and rather dramatic) initiation into the unseen realms. This is Part 2: Entering psychic work, continuing to unravel and a full on rebirth.
Garfield using the Taste-O-Vision. Perfect showcase of how I perceive energy in the world 🔮🤯
Merging with the forest on Mayne Island, BC
More forest visits-the place where I feel most at peace & a reprieve from overwhelm 🕊️🍃
Awakening side effects: intense physical symptoms. Double indoor sunglasses the day I could barely see 🕶️
Burning my past🔥Specifically here, report cards from grade 3. (P.S. my kids just asked me who this “wrinkly old witch woman with chubby cheeks” is…😑)
Alter for my new birthday last August, 2024
Audio Transcript
This is Divine Interruption.
I'm Sarah Hildreth Rankin.
Hi, welcome back to part two, all about the spiritual awakening that I experienced and am experiencing again, and have maybe always been experiencing.
So if you haven't listened to part one, go back.
And yeah, this is kind of the second leg of that journey.
So where I left off was essentially, my kids were really young, maybe about a year old, and I had just undergone this really intense opening where I was seeing and feeling and perceiving so much more than I had been before.
And it was very overwhelming.
And I had kept a lot of that private because I was still navigating and trying to figure out what exactly was happening, what was this, was it going to stick around, was it going somewhere?
It was kind of a big mess.
And that's what an opening is, right?
Like you crack open and you feel more and you see more, and all of your old stuff starts to come up and you're feeling so much, and it's triggering this and that.
And a lot of what I experienced kind of in the beginning of that cracking open, was really a reflection of my fear.
So where I am today and what I experience is a lot less fear-based.
So in the very beginning, because I was coming at it from such a fearful place and I was not feeling well with the illness and with my body not working and just having had these babies and not sleeping, all of it was feeding into what I was experiencing as well.
So the beings that I was feeling and sensing and the fear I was having at night, it was just a lot.
But then the fact that I was fearful of it was making it more fearful, if that makes sense.
It was feeding it.
And I was so open that I was assuming, I was like, oh, there's all this energy in beings and it's scary and this is all darkness.
And I just want to say that that was really a reflection of my feelings at the time.
It wasn't that everything around us is scary and that what we can't see with our two eyes, our feel with our hands is terrifying and evil and horrible.
I really don't believe that and that hasn't been my experience.
But where I was at at the time, there was a lot of fear attached to that.
And you can create stories about everything, right?
You can do that in your daily life with any sort of situation.
If you're afraid of it, you can make it become way scarier.
So there was, yeah, a lot of anxiety in the beginning.
But there was also some other kind of marked interesting things that just shifted for me almost overnight.
I woke up one morning, and I had this deep, deep reverence for the earth.
And I'd always loved nature and animals and plants and always felt like they were all sentient in some way.
I'd always had that.
But this was this new reverence where I was just, oh my gosh, we cannot use plastic.
Oh my gosh, I have to get rid of this, and I have to get rid of that.
And any sort of waste was so upsetting to me.
Something switched in my brain, and the food I was eating, even with my diet, I was like, eating meat just doesn't feel right.
All of these things changed overnight, and it felt very connected to this extra level of perception.
And that feels very connected to who I am now and how I experience the forest and the trees.
It really does something for me.
I feel like it's a part of me in some way.
And yeah, it wasn't just nature that became sentient at such a high level.
It was kind of everything.
So animals and objects, and even the organs in my body, I felt like now I had this added awareness of, these are all alive, they all have energy, they can all talk.
And if I listen, I can hear them.
And it again brought me back to childhood when I've always, always felt, and I think this is quite normal for kids, every single toy that I had, or stuffed animal, or doll, they all had energy, and they were all alive in some way, and they had personalities.
And you know, when you have to pick a stuffy to go on like a road trip, and you're like, I can't leave all these other ones behind, they'll be so upset with me, and they want to have this adventure.
And those were very real discussions.
I used to have.
And cars all had different genders and different expressions of their energy.
And I would just play these games with myself all the time around what is this object feeling?
Oh, this trash can doesn't want to be over here.
He's lonely.
Let's move him over here, and let's clean him out, and all sorts of things like that.
So that really got turned up again, and I was like, oh my gosh, everything in my house is alive, and the dishwasher is tired, and the cat needs a different type of food, and I can feel my liver, and it's holding all this anger, and just everything was talking.
And in a way, again, that was validation of how I'd always felt this undercurrent of everything has energy, and that's why I don't like to touch certain things or have certain things in my home, or when I'd walk into a store or someone else's house, I could feel suffocated or I could feel upset or all of that.
But it was very real for me.
The energy became very real.
Things were very sentient.
And after I had gone back to work, I looked after my kids for a year at home and underwent this kind of intense awakening and experience at home.
I went back to work and then I got laid off shortly after, so then I was back at home, and that was when COVID was happening.
And I remember kind of right before everything was happening in the world, or we were very aware of what was happening, I was feeling a lot of energy.
And when I say that, you know, I'd already been having energy move through my body, and I was trying to, you know, understand that and move it in ways that would feel better for me.
But now I was having these surges.
There was something going on with the sky and with the earth, and I could sense it and hold it in my body, and I was not doing this on purpose.
It was like I could feel these waves of grief, and they would just pulse through me.
And I would have to do something.
I'm like, I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I think I'm going to throw up.
I need to scream.
I need to move.
Like, this is so overwhelming.
This is not mine.
There was nothing that would trigger it, like seeing something or talking to someone or listening to a news broadcast or anything.
It was just this surge of energy that would move through, and I knew it had to be released in some way.
And there were points leading up to COVID and then during where there was almost like pivotal moments where I would also see birds like circling in very weird patterns, and then I would feel this energy, and I would have to go to the ground, to the grass, to the soil.
And we had this little patch outside of our apartment that was communal, so we didn't own it.
It wasn't necessarily private.
But I would go at night a few times.
I was like, I need to get outside.
So I would go out onto this little patch of grass, and I remember just lying on the ground, full body, either on my back at first, or I would turn onto my stomach, and I would just, sometimes I would scream.
I would kind of muffle it so that no one could really hear me, because that's, I don't know, it's kind of embarrassing.
I don't want to be screaming outside of the apartment.
And if you've lived in an apartment, you know that you can really hear everything.
If someone's patio door is open, right, or windows.
So I would like bring a coat or a blanket and just scream into the blanket, and I would just move all of this energy.
And I imagine I'm like, go back to the earth, back into the earth, back into the earth.
And I would cry, just the most powerful deep sobs to move this energy out of me.
And I remember the first time I did it, and it was dark, the moon was out, and I was like, oh, everyone will be sleeping.
And I was just scream crying into this blanket and kind of writhing around and moving it off me.
And I got up and I was like, oh, I feel so much better.
And then I heard this like crinkle, and I look up and I'm like, oh my God, my neighbor was on the patio smoking the entire time.
And that is what it is.
That was kind of the new level of, I don't know if you want to say weird, but I was like, this is me.
This is where I'm at.
These are the things I'm doing now.
And I just, oh God, I have to be okay with this.
So I had a lot of energy moving and it felt very in line with what was happening on the planet as well.
Sometimes I would just get these surges of energy before there would be, I don't know, something larger happening in, I don't know, from a global perspective or from even a local perspective.
If there was really intense things happening, it's like I would feel this energy sometimes in advance or during, and then I could sometimes sync it up with, oh, interesting, that thing is happening.
So it's like I was feeling a lot and it wasn't just me.
It wasn't just my family or my home.
It was like universal energy.
And I had always had a little bit of that in terms of, and I think a lot of us get this, and we kind of just toss it away because you're like, that's not helpful, or like, what is that?
I would think randomly a person or a thing would just pop into my mind.
And then it could be a few minutes later, hours later, a day or two later, something, I would hear something in the news.
I'll be like, that's really weird.
Okay, I saw that thing.
Or I had the thought of that person that I had never thought of, and then this thing happened.
I remember once when I was working at the university, and I randomly thought of David Suzuki.
He's like a famous Canadian scientist, and he was also on television a lot as I was growing up.
He's done a lot of great work for the planet.
And I just thought about him, and I was like, David Suzuki, yeah.
I remember him, and I was just thinking about him, like at my desk while I was writing emails.
And that was it.
I remember that out of nowhere.
And a few hours later, I was driving on campus.
I was driving home, and I saw someone crossing the road.
I had to stop, and it was David Suzuki.
Like just in person, he was a few feet away from my car, just crossing the road on campus.
And I was like, huh, okay.
We're all connected in a bigger way, right?
And there's this big web, and we can't see it, but we're picking up on things in our environment, in this web of energy, or things in pop culture.
I used to watch Teen Mom a lot.
I've probably referenced it already, but it was like a show I was really into for a time.
And I thought about this one Teen Mom, and I was like, oh, I wonder if she's ever going to have another baby.
And then I remember she's like turning on the computer, and like something popped up on Google News, and it was like announcing her pregnancy.
And I was like, oh, okay.
So things like that, little things like that, were always happening to me.
And now there was just this added awareness of, okay, this is all connected, and I've always been doing this, and like feeling energy, but now it maybe is even more physical.
And may I say, it's a little frustrating because there's not a lot that I could do with this.
It was random.
It's not like I was prophesying anything.
It was just something.
I'd think about it, then it would happen.
So many of us do that.
Think about a friend, they call you on the phone, that kind of thing.
So there were all these interesting, different things happening as I opened up.
And some of it, I was like, it was helping me understand myself.
Some of it, I felt like I was connected to something so much greater than myself.
And I couldn't place all of these things, but I knew they were all connected.
And I'm like, oh, this is all extra sensory perception, and it's the way that I've been perceiving the world, and now it's much more clear.
And there's a heightened-ness to everything.
And the easiest way that I can describe this is from this scene in Garfield.
This is again a reference to watching Garfield as a child, which probably no one remembers this one episode of Garfield.
But he had like this invention that he could hook up to his TV, so this cartoon cat who loves lasagna, wanted this invention that he attached to his TV, and it would attach to his mouth, and his nose, and anything he watched on TV, he could then like smell and eat.
So he was really excited because isn't that all Garfield did?
He was just like really grumpy all the time and hungry.
But so I remember watching this, and he like turns on a different channel.
It's like a commercial for pizza.
And he's like, yes.
And so then he would like eat the pizza at the same time, and he could smell it, and he just loved it.
And then he would change the channel, and it would be news about a mudslide somewhere.
And then he'd be like, no.
And the mudslide would like come through this tube and like splash him in the face.
And he realized the invention was not great because a lot of the things he watched on TV were not delicious items of food made out of cheese.
So I think about this all the time, and it always stuck with me because that's what I feel like this is.
It feels like if I think of something or someone brings something into my awareness, I not only think about it, it's as if I can smell it and taste it and feel it and connect with its emotions and like its origins.
And I can hear maybe what it's thinking or thoughts around it.
And it's just, it's like this multi-sensory experience.
That's essentially what it is.
So I feel like I'm Garfield sometimes.
And if someone tells me about something that's happening, like let's say it was a mudslide or a tsunami or, I don't know, just anything, literally anything.
A lot of times I feel like, no, I'm sorry.
Like I tell this to Nick all the time.
I'm like, please, like you can't talk about this around me because I am experiencing it in a different way than you are.
Like the fact that you can even tell me it is telling me that you're not feeling what I'm feeling.
And so I just have to shut that down a lot.
And that's just kind of where I'm at.
So yeah, not watching the news and being involved in a lot of things also happened.
As I opened up, I had to shut down other parts of my life and things that I was absorbing or consuming, I guess you could say, in terms of food and news and content and all of that.
I had to be very clean with my energy.
I learned right away that now I have to clear and cleanse all of that frequently on a daily basis.
Otherwise, it sticks with me, and it stays and it ruminates around in my brain, and then I can feel it, and it can feel really gross, like really uncomfortable because it has nothing to do with me, but I'm just absorbing it and picking it up.
So I learned a lot of different tools around working with my energy, clearing it, cleansing it, renewing it, protecting it, having better boundaries around everything in my life, and that was really helpful.
And it just followed on this journey of making sense of what this was, so that I wasn't always so open and feeling like everything around me was quite violent and over the top.
I realized, I'm like, oh, I can tune this, you know, like dial it down, turn it up, turn it down when I want to.
And when I am existing in my daily life, like cooking a meal or hanging out with friends or going for a walk, I get to decide essentially how high I want that dial to be.
Because when I'm with friends at a coffee shop, I don't necessarily need to be dialed up, right?
That's very overwhelming.
And being in a public place with other people and sounds and smells and things, I'm already going to be quite heightened.
So I can learn to turn down some of the other senses so that I can just engage with these people and enjoy them and not feel super, super overwhelmed.
And that's been really helpful.
So there's the conscious aspect of being very intentional.
I'm like, I'm going to sit down with my journal in a quiet space, and I'm going to open myself up and allow myself to feel everything.
And I can then work with that consciously and ask questions or put my intention on something.
If I have the intention on our cat, I'm like, oh, I hope the cat's okay.
I just want to connect with that right now.
Then I can allow it to unfold, and there's a little story there.
But on a daily basis, I'm not always in that way.
I'm more tuned into my physical life, but I'm still, oh man, I still feel and sense a lot.
However, it's not in this very intentional way where I'm trying to gain extra perception.
Sometimes it's even, I don't realize it's happening to me because, again, it's so a part of my daily life that it just hits me, and I'm like, oh, I feel so sad.
And then I'm like, wait, wait, okay, wait.
I wasn't sad two seconds ago.
This isn't me.
This is over here with this person, and this is happening.
So things like that.
And I did a bunch of training.
I found all sorts of different programs and books.
Like you go down every single rabbit hole because everything is very exciting now.
This is a new level of life, and I just want to understand myself better.
And I worked by myself for a very long time.
Like I had this special spot in our room at the time where if I could get these toddlers out of my way and they would be over here doing something, I could shut the doors and I would be alone for very small amounts of time during that time in my life.
But that's when I would do this work, and I would sit in this chair or I'd sit in the bed, and I would run my energy in different ways, listen to different types of meditations.
I revisited cards, tarot cards that I'd bought years prior, and all of a sudden, they had new life and they had new meaning.
And I realized I knew how to use them in a different way than I had before.
It was like everything was like coming alive, and I was finding these tools that were working for me.
And there came a point where I realized I would like to be able to use this to support and help others.
So I'm learning so much about myself.
Could I do this for someone else?
Could I help them tap in to their energy and feel and see things that would support them in their life, and just recognize how magnificent their soul is?
Because that's the basis of all of this is, wow, there's so much around us and within us.
And if we could just see that or connect with that more, because I don't think our daily Western world and the way society supports any of this, it's not about slowing down and listening and even believing that there could be something amazing about you.
It's all about we have to work hard and buy things and do things and hold on and control and live in fear.
When really I'm like, oh, if we could just soften into this other way of life, it could support us through all of those challenges so much better.
You'd realize how strong and badass you are, like all of that.
That's where this is coming from.
So I learned how to read for others.
And what's interesting is in that process, depending on who's teaching you, there's going to be things that resonate more than certain things, because again, these are inherent abilities, and everyone's are going to be slightly different.
So having someone teach you can be eye-opening and supportive, and it can also be confusing and challenging at the same time.
And how I learned to read for others was in a way that was slightly different than what I'd been doing for myself.
And yet I was like, oh, I want to do this.
Oh, this is how people read.
Okay, this is how they read energy for other people.
Cool.
And so then I started to learn this other way.
So before, I would sit quietly with my journal and just kind of like merge with the environment.
That's all I can say.
Close my eyes.
I could do it right now.
And because of the years prior, I'd spent kind of meditating and getting quiet, I learned how to hold focus.
Like I can easily go into that space.
I just kind of need to be able to take a deep breath, and then I close my eyes, and I can tune in.
So I had almost had this build up of learning how to do that already for myself, and then I realized that was a skill.
I'm like, oh, I can go in and out of, not a trance necessarily, but a different type of consciousness.
I can access that quite easily.
So I'd been doing that for myself, and there were no restrictions on that.
And then I would just ask things and be led on these journeys and see things and feel things.
And I would write it down usually so I could remember after.
Because often, it's like I'm so present that it will just dissipate.
It's like waking up from a dream.
I'm like, whoa, what kind of just happened?
So writing it down is helpful.
And then when I was training, it was a lot about, okay, you can connect with anyone at any time.
And I'd already learned this within myself.
I'm like, oh, I don't need to be with the cat.
Doesn't need to be sitting in front of me for me to connect with the cat.
Like the cat is an energetic being.
I connect with its energy no matter where the cat is in the world.
So we would read for each other, the cohort, we'd practice on each other.
And that would mean we would connect with each other's energy in advance.
And we would write notes on that.
And then we would meet up and kind of deliver what we'd received.
So it was doing it in advance.
It wasn't doing it in this live, like back and forth way.
And I actually really liked that because I got to be by myself, which was my comfort zone in this little safety net and like bubble of, okay, I can be by myself, so no one can like question me or confuse me or interrupt me or make it more overwhelming for me.
And that worked well for me.
And your overcoming for me, I guess I can only really speak for me, but I do feel like this work can be quite vulnerable because for me, there was a lot of fear attached to exposing this side of myself.
And then it also meaning so much because it kept me alive.
And it was so, I realized, such a part of my life growing up, that then to expose it to other people and strangers.
And what if they reacted poorly?
What if they said, oh, that's not very good what you're saying, or it doesn't make any sense, or this isn't valid, or you're bad at this.
This isn't for you.
I was so afraid of that being the outcome.
So I had to overcome a lot of fear to kind of express with others what I was receiving.
It felt so deeply connected to me and who I was, and being shut down as a child, and so many ways being told like, this isn't real, or we don't talk about this.
Even your feelings are like not a thing, you know?
I was afraid of that happening again.
I'm like, but if I'm coming out the second time and reconnecting and someone says it's not real, like, what will I even do?
So I overcame a lot of fear and did that and practiced.
And then there was the point after much of this where it was like, okay, the goal is to now read for, not just within a training situation and practicing, now you're going to read for clients.
Like, that was kind of the end goal it always felt like, because, I don't know, that's usually how I would take everything.
I'm like, I do this so that I can get to here, so I do that.
And this felt like that's what I would be doing with this, this ability, and this was going to be the type of work that was going to be connected to my purpose.
It felt real and right, and I was like, yes.
And yet, that's a whole journey in itself, right?
If when you're working for yourself, and you are also just learning that skill, like, it was a lot.
It was very overwhelming.
And I held off and procrastinated for a very long time thinking, I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I can't charge for this.
Like, I'm not even confident in myself yet.
I'm still figuring all of this out.
And the message would always be the same.
To overcome the fear, at some point, you have to do the thing.
You're not probably ever going to feel ready, but you're going to learn as you go.
So I do remember the first reading, I did a paid reading.
And, you know, it's awkward, but I was able to do it.
And so I look back, I'm really proud of myself.
Like, I did it.
I ripped that band-aid off.
I had read this person that I'd never met.
I'd only seen her picture because at that point, I was like, maybe I need like a picture or something or a name.
Now I realize that that is not really necessary.
Like, everyone is different.
Some people would like to tap into an object of someone's, or, you know, there's all these different ways of doing this.
And I was trying to figure out what my thing was, not realizing that I'd kind of already been doing my thing before I'd been training.
But I remember I didn't know how to set time because when I kind of go into that space, I can be in that space for hours.
I can continue to exist in this, like, spirit realm and kind of talk and experience.
And it's my favorite place.
I just love it so much.
So I can do that for a very long time without realizing what the physical time is and what my energy levels are, so I can burn myself out easily.
So these are things that I started to learn about myself.
And then I would want to give more and more to the client because I felt almost unworthy of the work I was doing, or if they didn't respond in a certain way, which I could read right away.
I was like, oh, maybe they're disappointed.
Maybe it's not good enough.
I need to give them more.
So when I would read them in advance, sometimes I would spend hours by myself just connecting and receiving more and more information.
I would take through their questions if they had any questions like, hey, what do you see around my career?
Or I've got this really weird leg problem.
Like it could be the most random stuff, right?
And I could spend hours just receiving messages.
And then when I would see them in person, usually over Zoom, I would give myself an hour and it just wasn't enough time because I'd been spending multiple hours receiving the information, and then I'd have to deliver it quickly.
And something about it just didn't really fit for me.
Like it was working, I was able to do it.
And yet there wasn't a flow or an ease to it.
I felt like I had these separate parts of the job where I would be by myself.
And that's how I received.
I could only tap into this other realm separately and alone.
It was too scary to do it in front of someone, and I wouldn't be able to focus.
And I was very afraid.
And because I'd been trained, I learned and thought this is the way it's done.
But then all of the readings I had been to in the past, most of them, again, every practitioner works differently, right?
But a lot of times, and I think this is what people think of, you go in and you see someone and you sit down, and they just ask you in that moment, what's going on or here's what I see or whatever.
So I was like, oh, I wish I could do it just live like that.
Like, what if, and I was like, no, no, no, no, no, too scary, too scary, too scary.
I can't do that.
There's no way.
I would be so overwhelmed with information.
I would not be able to do it.
So I, yeah, practiced this way for multiple years, and I would always read in advance, and then I would even go to people's houses because our space with this tiny two-bedroom apartment, there's toddlers there, there's a cat there, there's different schedules and times.
So I would go to people.
Sometimes I would drive up to an hour away so that I could go do a reading for someone.
But the thing is, I would have done the reading in advance.
So I'd already have spent, I'd like to say an hour, but I know the realness of that was like multiple hours, because that's what I would do.
I'd spend multiple hours with their energy and receiving information.
And at some point, I learned that instead of writing it down, I could type it out.
Thank God, because that at least saved me some time and energy.
But I would do all of that, and then I would have to, I felt, curate everything that I'd received.
And when I say receive, I think this is clear, but what I mean is, I'm essentially, yeah, shutting down, like I'm closing my eyes, and I'm connecting with basically everything that's around us, like an energy field, but I'm getting quiet so that I can now sense it, right?
I can sense that energy field, and once I'm connected with it, then I just bring that person into awareness, and I say, what's going on with this person?
Is there anything they need to know today that's resonant?
And at that time, then I'll just be taken on this journey.
So I will start seeing things and feeling things in my heart and my emotions, and sometimes I'll get very tactile sensations, even with injuries or if I'm getting a pulsing headache, something like that, it'll take me on this story, and then I might see other lives that they've lived that are connected, or a lot of metaphor, a lot of visuals that are then connected to how maybe they're moving through the world or what their body is saying.
So that's what I mean.
That's the receiving for me, is I just am allowing this whole other world of perception to come into focus, and I'm still present, I'm still here, I'm still me, and I can hear if there's construction going on outside, or if the kids are at the door and they're screaming, like I hear all of that, and I can put it on pause, and I can come in and out, I can open my eyes, right, and I can still perceive what's happening.
But I kind of just get into a flow state, really.
And so that would be what I would do on my own time.
And then because it was such a journey, I would feel like now I have to curate that information for someone.
It has to have headers.
It has to make sense.
It has to have a logical start and an end.
And yet what I received was just perfect as it was.
I felt like I had to at least put it into an order of some form because that's another one of my skill sets.
Like I'm a communicator, and that is what I had also learned, you know, in terms of writing and editing and producing a piece of work that is palatable and clear and clean.
I would want to do that to what I was receiving because I felt like it wasn't enough or that it was going to be too confusing.
So I spent a lot of extra time preparing and curating, and essentially not hiding myself, but trying to perfect what I was doing because I still felt very vulnerable.
And like I didn't trust that what I was doing was enough.
And I was still hiding.
It was still kind of scary.
I was like, oh hey, I do this thing.
Yee, bye.
Like when people would book and they would pay me, it was still like really overwhelming.
I'm like, oh my gosh, like this thing, like I'm so lucky I get to do this.
Like, am I even worthy of this?
Because we're going to go to the depths of, oh, just my favorite place.
We're in the deepest places of ourselves and be vulnerable together and have this connection and tell these stories.
So there was so much still attached to how I felt about myself and how I was doing the work that made it challenging.
And most of the experiences I had were really awesome.
Amazing people found me, and we had really great connection, and they'd have a really good experience.
Or I'd walk away knowing I did something.
I helped in some way.
Whatever they took away from that is valuable.
And then near the end, because I was working full-time again, I was back at my full-time job, the kids and had chronic illness flaring and trying to figure that out.
Been doing the readings.
I was doing them on the weekend, so I would do them at night sometimes.
Be like, everyone stay out of the bedroom for two hours, and please don't bother me.
And that never works.
But I would spend hours receiving this information.
Then I would have to type it up.
And then I would have the reading actually booked, maybe two days later.
And I would drive across town on a Saturday.
I was like, I need to have the car, and we need to book this time.
And we need to take the kids to grandma's so that I can do this reading.
And I'm going to a stranger's house, somewhere I've never been before, with someone I've never been before.
And yet, I will say, connecting with their energy, it was so enjoyable because I would already have a sense of them, right?
I would have connected with all these things.
And then putting a face to that energy was really profound and awesome.
Like, I love that.
But it was, again, it could produce a lot of anxious feelings because I was putting myself out there in ways that not always comfortable.
And I felt like, yeah, I felt very exposed.
And I was doing this and having all of this energy.
And then once I had finished a reading, I would usually be on a bit of a high because I'm like, oh my gosh, we did it.
I did it.
And it's done.
And then I would crash.
And I would just have no energy.
So sometimes the weekend, I would do this one reading and I would just crash after.
And I'm like, oh, I can't keep doing this.
And my body wasn't letting me hold that kind of energy.
And essentially it was saying, like, you're doing too much.
You don't need to push so hard.
Why are you taking on so much?
And maybe the way you're doing this isn't the way for you.
Like, maybe there's an easier way.
Maybe it doesn't have to actually be so hard.
But I was very stubborn because I just couldn't see out of my situation.
And I felt very trapped.
And I also felt like doing this work, I had to keep going because I'm like, this is what I was taught and trained, and this is what I saw other people do, and this is what common sense would say, or someone starting a business, like you put in the time and the hours, and you slog through, and eventually you make this side hustle into your full-time gig.
And all of that just seemed to make sense.
But I had all this stuff in my head around what that meant and how I had to try harder and push more and be better.
And that was just burning me out.
And it was hard for me to accept that because I also loved the work.
And I was like, but I want to do this.
Does this mean it's like not for me?
Am I not good enough?
Am I?
Why can other people, yeah, do multiple readings in a day?
How can they do them live?
Like, what even is that?
I just could not see outside of myself as to where I was there.
And what's interesting is near the end of that time when I was getting more sick and getting more burnt out, this was after about two years of doing this, just managing all of it at once, I started to receive like a few people here and there where the experience wasn't as positive.
And it's so interesting, right?
It's like what we're kind of experiencing is always reflected in our outer world.
So how I was feeling internally, and like I was kind of getting the message like, hey, this isn't working for you anymore, you know?
So people are starting to show up, and I'm having these weird experiences that don't feel as good or they feel off.
And I noticed a pattern of them happening more and more.
And I was like, okay, something's different.
And when I say off or odd, I had a website, I spent a bunch of time making sure that it made as much sense as possible, and you book online, and there's a schedule, and you pay, and all of it is taken care of, so that I also wouldn't have to be involved, really holding a lot of that.
And it would usually be at least two weeks in advance, because that's the amount of time I would need to kind of fit it into my schedule and feel comfortable and make time to do the reading and book the time off, all of it.
And on multiple occasions, I think within the span of two weeks, I received a few different phone calls.
One, I had just woken up.
It was like a Sunday morning, and someone called me and they're like, hi, is this Sarah?
I'm like, yeah.
Well, I need to book a reading.
Can we have a reading right now?
And I was just so thrown off.
I was so taken aback.
I was like, huh?
I'm like, oh yes, this is Sarah.
And oh, I have a website.
And I was so confused as to what they were talking about.
And they kind of launched into asking me for a reading in that moment.
And so this is what's happening, and I just really need some help right now, and I need you to like look at this thing.
And I was like, oh, could you go online?
Like, I do have space.
I just, I don't do readings over the phone, and I don't have time.
But then kind of keeping me on the phone, and then it evolved through the conversation.
I realized that they were kind of getting me to read them in the moment.
And then I realized, you know, I don't think they're actually okay.
They're saying things, and their energy is really intense.
And I can tell that they're in a space of like desperation.
And those are tricky spaces to be in, because when people really need help, and they're coming to you, but then I could also probably tell that maybe I wasn't the type of help that they needed, and like, it would maybe actually feed in to what was going on.
I found those really complicated and tricky, and I would just have to be as kind as possible and direct them.
I was like, you know, there's a lot of other readers that could probably do same day readings, or is there anyone else that you can turn to?
You know, it was really tricky, because it felt like all of a sudden, there were people coming to me that were using a lot of spiritual rhetoric, and so they were talking in a way that said, you know, my twin flame has shown up, and they're in my mind, and they're telling me these things, and I just, it feels so evil, and now I feel like I have to hurt myself.
And I was like, whoa, this is actually really serious, and I think this is actually a mental health concern.
This isn't something that you may require, you know, I don't know, a reading for it this time.
Like, I always feel like checking the energy is always valid.
It's always interconnected, but I don't think in that moment I was like, oh no, they need a different type of support.
And it was confusing sometimes, because yeah, they would be seeking me in this emergency sense, and I was like, oh, this is not for me.
I knew right away, I'm like, this isn't the type of thing that I do, and I don't feel comfortable saying that this is what I can help you with, and I wasn't comfortable.
So I received a bunch of those types of, actually, it was always phone calls, or someone would demand, I need to have a phone call with you to see what your voice sounds like before the reading.
And I was like, oh, okay, can you book a time to meet with me on Zoom?
And every time I would concede or probably, you know, like let my boundary be a bit loose, and I'd be like, well, I guess they just, I can do this for them.
So I'd find a space in my day to call them again, and then they would start asking me questions, and then they would need me to do more things, and then they would essentially tell me, well, I probably don't need a reading anyway.
And I'm like, okay, that's fine.
Like, it's up to you.
Do you think I need a reading?
I'm like, I don't know.
So I got dragged into a thing, you know, a few things that felt really awkward.
And there was one person who booked a reading with me, and right from the moment I answered the phone, again, it was via phone call, I got really thrown off, and I should have listened.
Something was off, but he said that he was guided to book with me.
It was very important.
And he was actually a psychic, and I was like, oh, okay.
Like, I was kind of thrown off by these details he was telling me, and he'd been doing it for, you know, 30 years, and he was really, really successful, and he just needs some quick guidance, and he was guided to me.
And I was like, okay.
And he didn't want me to come to his space, because that was sacred.
He's like, you're not allowed to come to my space.
I said, okay, no problem.
And I'm like, I do them over Zoom.
Nope, I don't want to do Zoom.
I need to be in person.
And instead, again, of having my own boundary, I felt in the moment, I was like, well, you could come to my place, which I'd never done.
But Nick was out of town.
The girls were in daycare at this time.
And I thought I could, I was like, why not?
Like, why don't I try this?
So I went into things without the normal boundaries I would have, and this person had kept kind of pushing my buttons a little bit.
And I was flattered.
I was like, oh, well, they're really successful, and they do this.
So, wow, I get to read for them, you know, like these things that threw me off.
And the actual reading, when he came to the house, there was, again, just something, there's just something a little off, right?
In the energy.
And the reading went really well, and we connected and had these really deep conversations and had these moments.
He's like, yes, this resonates and this, and it felt like it all went really well.
And he said he was teaching classes, and if I'd be interested, I was like, wow, that sounds amazing.
I'd love to learn from you.
Let me know when you're doing them.
I'll follow up with you later.
I'll send you your reading in written form because I would do that after the reading.
So they had something to refer back to.
And we left and I sent it off the next day.
Thank you for coming to my home.
Thank you for the time.
It was awesome to meet you.
Here's your reading.
Just left it at that.
And two weeks later, we were moving houses.
We were at the lawyer's office and I received an email.
And I was like, oh, he's just responding to that message I sent.
And in it, it said, nothing in your reading resonated.
Don't ever contact me again.
Leave me alone.
And it really threw me off.
I was shocked and I felt kind of deceived in some way and like my feelings were hurt and my ego was a bit bruised.
And I felt like it was the opposite of the experience that I had been there with him in person having and that I had created a time and space and welcomed him into my home and had been vulnerable in those ways.
And then here's this email that feels totally off base, essentially saying, like, leave me alone.
Don't contact me.
Like I did something horrible.
And saying that the reading was just nothing.
Everything of it was just horrible.
And I'm like, but that wasn't the experience we had together.
Like, I am so confused.
So that was kind of not the nail in the coffin, but it was a big sign at that point that something was off in my energy.
Something was off in what I was doing in that maybe it was time to take a break.
And, you know, I was kind of bruised after that.
And I was like, I don't want to open myself up in this way.
It's so vulnerable.
I don't think that he was in a great place.
And I think that I also ignored a lot of warning signs that I should have had some boundaries.
So I realized then I was starting to get more sick.
I eventually had to leave my full-time job and was able to do that, thank goodness.
And then it was just like the dominoes just started falling, right?
And I was like, oh, I can't do readings.
Like, I need to not do anything.
And now that's been at least like two years of being away from that in this scenario where I was doing readings and I was doing this spiritual work.
And there was a relief when I gave that up, because it felt like it had been a bit of a burden near the end.
And there was a relief in not having to like be vulnerable and not having to step up and like face fears, because I will say, when we undo these layers in ourselves, or we awaken to another perception, or we recognize, you know, maybe where we're holding ourselves back and the things that we need to work through, like, I don't know, the spiritual path, whatever it is, whatever you define it as, it continues to unfold.
And it continues to ask you to show up.
So I realized that doing this type of work means that I also have to continue to progress and work on myself and move through fears and all of it.
Like, it brings up everything.
And that's amazing, but it's also exhausting.
And sometimes it's just like, it's too much.
So I felt very relieved almost giving everything up.
I was like, OK, fine, it's not for me.
I'll grieve that later.
But for now, like, just no more, please no more.
You don't want to have to keep showing up and moving through fears all the time.
And yeah, there was definitely some grief there.
And I felt disappointed.
And yet I was like, it's OK, something will figure itself out.
So since I gave everything up and really succumbed to, honestly, my body, honestly, right?
Like my body was breaking down and I just had to go through this process with my body.
And I've talked about that in another episode.
And that in itself was like an awakening, honestly.
And having another near-death experience brings you to new heights.
And all sorts of things have opened up for me in the past year and a half.
And it showed up in like interesting ways.
Like I definitely have reached a new level of sensitivity.
So if I wasn't sensitive before, I have somehow become more sensitive, which I didn't think was possible.
So I'm just so much more aware now of being with other people, being in crowds, doing things, going to events, things that I honestly felt I couldn't manage that well before.
I've reached another level of almost, I'd say, acceptance of just how careful I have to be with my energy and what's for me and what's not.
And now I'm okay with it.
Or I just know, yeah, no, that birthday party, I can't do that.
That's not for me.
And I just know that.
It's instinctual now.
I just know my energy cannot function in certain spaces and places.
And there's less interest in, and this has been ongoing over the past eight years, but less interest in certain things in our daily life, things that just kind of have fallen away in terms of consuming certain types of media and being a part of what I'd say is like a normal citizen in the world.
There's some parts of that process that I'm just not interested in.
I'm like, okay, what do I have control over?
I don't have control over so much, but I have control over myself and my experience, and how can I show up with myself every day in a better way?
That's kind of how I've dealt with a lot of this.
I'm very aware also of what comes into our home and what comes into my space and just how sensitive I am to those types of energies.
So if we watch a movie and there's lots of violence or a lot of fear in it, like, I can feel that?
Enter our space.
I got rid of a lot of different types of art.
I got rid of a lot of my things, a lot of books, things that were carrying a lot of old energy.
Last year, I just had to purge.
As my body was purging, I had to purge physical items and things because they felt unbearable to be around.
And as my body has been purging in this very interesting way, and I'm just kind of showing up each day being like, okay, what's oozing today?
What's exploding today?
What is painful today?
In that, has also come just like some random symptoms that are very connected to my extra senses or like perception.
There was a day last year where I woke up and it was like my vision was very, very fuzzy, and my eyes were watery, and I just couldn't really see.
I had to drive to an appointment, and at one point I had to stop the car and pull over and just be like, I don't think I should be driving.
Like, I'm having difficulty seeing.
I was so sensitive to light.
I couldn't see properly.
Like, things were kind of crossing over, and it was really painful.
I had a hard time keeping my eyes open.
When I came back home, I put on two pairs of sunglasses.
Like, I had to borrow a pair of Nick sunglasses to put on top of my own to wear inside the house.
And there's like no lights on.
It was just so painful to see.
And as I was going through that process, I could feel there was an opening in my extrasensory vision.
So, my physical eyes were having these symptoms.
And then I was like opening up in another way.
I hope that makes sense.
But the next day, I was like, oh, my vision is fine.
Like, I was definitely like looking on my phone being like, do I need to go see a doctor?
Do I need to go to the optometrist?
And a part of me was like, no, just see what happens.
Move through this.
Just rest and like don't do anything.
Don't panic.
And yeah, then it was like, I had a heightened level of intuitive seeing, and my physical eyes balanced again.
So a lot of interesting experiences like that have been opening up.
And one of the more pivotal things that happened was I was, okay, here we go.
I was given a new birthday, and I can't fully explain to you what that is, but I was working with one of my energy and like spiritual practitioners.
And at the end of our session, he said, oh yeah, you're getting a new birthday.
And I was like, what are you talking about?
He's like, okay, yep, this is the date, this is the time.
And it was about a month out.
I was like, what does that even mean?
You know, and there's so many ways to take that.
And as it led up to this date, I was just open, living my life, you know.
All sorts of things started to happen for me.
And I'd been having this huge call to Egypt, leading up to this for about six months prior to getting this new birthday.
I was working with a different practitioner and doing a lot of like ancient Egyptian energy healing.
And I was really called to it, and I was having these visions, and I was like in Egypt, and I would have these dreams.
And I could see that I was working with this really strong, powerful energy.
And I was really like, oh wow, I'm like obsessed with this.
I don't know why.
Never been called to Egypt before.
Even as a kid, it wasn't something that I was like, wow, I want to learn about this.
It just wasn't bright and shiny for me.
But then over the past year, it got louder and louder.
And I got really into it.
And I was like, what kind of stuff did they do there?
And what kind of energies did they work with?
And I was reading books and all of it.
And then I essentially saw that this birthday, or like a part of it, was connected to another lifetime that I'd had in Egypt.
And it was like, as I'm being gifted this new birthday in this lifetime, a part of my energy from that lifetime is being gifted to me.
And in that lifetime, I did a lot of like powerful, magical, energetic stuff.
Even the colors that came along with that dream were like coming to me during the day, leading up to this birthday.
And I was just feeling it and seeing it everywhere, like around me.
And when I woke up, I would feel this color.
So I understood, I was like, there's something about this other lifetime, there's something about Egypt.
Okay, that's a part of it.
And then there was this deep, strong desire to get rid of things, like purge everything in my life.
I went through two huge tubs of all the things I gathered that my parents had collected over time from childhood, every report card and assignment and art piece and just endless stuff that I'd always just carried around in these two huge Tupperware containers.
They weighed so much, I would cart them around every time I moved.
And it just felt important to have them for some reason, but I never really went through them.
And all of a sudden, I was like, no, no, no, like, I'm getting rid of this.
And I spent a few days going through all of it.
And what's funny too is like with old things now, anything connected to my past in this lifetime has a very strong smell for me.
And I don't even, I feel like I can't even touch it.
Like I was getting like a reaction from the material.
And that would make sense even like physically.
It's like, okay, this is old stuff.
It's been sitting here for years.
It's breaking down.
There's probably dust and all sorts of stuff going on in there.
But like even being with it, all of a sudden things I thought I needed to carry, I was like, this just doesn't resonate anymore.
So we went away for a weekend out in the forest, and I ended up spending six straight hours burning everything.
Like these two huge containers, I couldn't even get through all of it because there was too much stuff.
But I would tend to this fire.
And I just started powerfully like having this song, like rise through me, and I was singing and burning.
And there was something so cathartic and special, and it was almost like I was burning all the things that I didn't need to carry with me.
So I'm being gifted this new birthdate where I'm essentially being reborn in some way, and I'm getting rid of everything I don't need to carry anymore.
I got rid of so many photographs even.
Like, no, whatever is important is already inside of me.
And I can get rid of the physical stuff.
I didn't get rid of everything, but I got rid of most things.
And, yeah, even clothes.
I all of a sudden was attracted to different colors.
I got rid of most of all of my, like, white and black clothes.
And there's some very specific colors that I've been drawn to.
And I was like, no, I need a few new things and get rid of everything else.
So all of these things were shifting.
And then when the actual birth date came, I was kind of panicking.
I was like, what's gonna happen?
Like, am I, what if I actually, like, die?
What if, like, another spirit comes inside of me and, like, I'm a new person?
Like, what does this even mean?
And it wasn't like that, but it's essentially like there's this other part of me that has now opened up, and now it's been not fully a year yet, but I'm still in this transition.
Like, I've had this new birth date, and I can see an unfolding that has been happening, where I've been changing a lot and shifting a lot, and a lot of the things that were for me or attached to my past have kind of just gently floated away, and I don't hold onto them as much.
So, there's definitely a divine process happening, and in moments, it's been really dramatic.
But that's been a part of this new awakening for me that keeps undoing.
These layers keep being revealed again and again.
And now it's like I have two astrology charts.
Like, there's so many actual little details where I'm like, wait, but what does this mean?
Like, am I both of these sun signs now?
Like, how do I hold all of this information?
Like, everything that I needed my old birth date for, or am now like, do I use my new birth date?
What makes sense?
Ah, what's my identity?
But now, if we move away from that, it's almost like I merge both of these things together and I am renewed.
It's quite special, actually, and I think it will continue to unfold.
Maybe I know of two other people that in passing that had had this happen to them where they're like, I was gifted a new spiritual birthday.
Like, I received this in a dream, or I had my spiritual team speak to me and tell me so I knew that it had happened to other people, but it's not something like when I Google, it comes up.
So I'm like, I don't know what happens.
And there's so many different, you know, soul experiences that people have had where their soul leaves and another soul comes into their body and like takes over from that point and it can happen at any age.
And so I thought maybe that would even happen to me.
I was like, what if like Sarah's soul, the person I am in this lifetime, like she disappears and someone else comes in and inhabits this body like a new soul?
What would what would that feel like?
So I was a little afraid, but it wasn't like that.
And now I'm just seeing more and more how I am this.
And so now I've in the past few months been in a place where I have actually been undergoing like another huge awakening of sorts.
I've talked about undoing and letting go of things.
I'm working through our stuff and that's a part of it.
And in these layers that I've been releasing, I've been opening up to another perception again.
Like even in the past month, I've been like going to the forest more.
And every time I go to the forest, I have these profound experiences.
And I'm like, where am I going?
What is happening?
I've been talking to trees for a long time.
And now it's just, it is so much clearer.
And in this new layer that's opening up, I'm coming to realize that how I was before, before I like trained, how I made myself do things a certain way, or thought I had to show up in a certain way, or make myself more understandable or palatable, all of that is not true.
So it's as if you grew up drawing, and it was like natural for you, and you were left handed, and you were drawing all the time.
And then at some point, you're like, I want to take a drawing class because I need to get better at this, or I want to have someone else train me to even expand my tools, right?
Or my skill set.
And then you show up at the drawing class, and the first thing they do is say, okay, let's take this pencil from your left hand and put it in your right hand.
And you're like, ooh, okay.
But you're like, oh, this is how you do it though.
This is how you're supposed to do it.
So then you start drawing with your right hand, and it's a little bit different.
But now at least you're fitting in with the class, and that's what you're being told is right.
And you can do it, and you realize that then you can overcome a lot to do it.
But something about it is slightly harder, so it feels like you're always having to do more work, but you're getting praise for it, and it kind of makes sense.
And you're like, yeah, this is how I become an artist.
This is how I'm going to make money by doing my art.
I have to do it in this way, use my right hand.
And then maybe one day you break your right hand, I don't know, or the teacher isn't looking, and you accidentally start using your left hand, and then you're like, oh my god, oh my god, this is so much easier, but I've been so afraid to use my left hand, again, because I thought it wasn't the right way, because I was told it wasn't the right way, and yet this is where the ease comes in.
Oh my god, I was always using my left hand, like it's like explosion in brain.
And I think that's what I've been undergoing is this realization that everything was always perfectly pure, the way it was, the way I was doing things, but I hadn't made sense of it yet, and it was very overwhelming, and we have to learn, right?
And we learn through all sorts of ways.
And I learned a lot of great skills from all of these different teachers, but I still didn't really know how to hold on to my truth at that time.
I would just let it go and do the exact same things they were telling me to do.
But really, I was left-handed.
I wasn't right-handed, you know?
So I'm kind of coming to that realization now.
And a lot of why I felt I needed to use my right hand had a lot to do with I would get so overwhelmed in my brain with all of the information and all this extra perception that I would think it was never going to make sense to someone.
And so I need to make it compact and I need to filter it.
So I need to put myself through a filter essentially so that people understand and so that it makes sense and so that I can validate myself as real.
And so that comes up a lot in this work.
I'm afraid that if I am the way I am, or I express what I'm truly feeling or seeing, it will be too much, it'll be too confusing, and no one will listen to me.
I think I tried to control so much of this process just so that I wouldn't have to feel pain, and the pain would be that I would be rejected at some point.
And I thought it was by controlling and contorting and doing all this stuff to make my information more palatable.
And now I'm like, oh, I don't think I need to do that at all.
I just need to trust that it's okay and that I also don't need someone to validate me.
If I can just believe and know that this is the truth of what I'm feeling and seeing and hearing, and that there's value there, and that it's okay that maybe it lands the way it lands.
You know, and if I can remove myself from that and not be so attached and just be myself and be okay with it, because isn't that the root of everything, then I can just allow it to be so easy, because I've always been doing it.
But like Garfield with that mask strapped to his face, like it can be really overwhelming the things that are coming in.
So that's where I'm at right now.
Readings have come back around.
That was a little bit scary a few months ago when I was like, oh no, I think I'm actually meant to do this again, but I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
So now I'm just allowing myself to kind of sit in that discomfort and it will figure itself out.
And in the meantime, like I am blasting off all over the place and having all sorts of experiences.
Again, in a way that feels more spontaneous and like I'm not controlling it.
So yeah, I'm having a second awakening and that's where we're at.
And I will probably have more to share about this as we go.
So I'm going to end there.
Thank you for being here and just listening and letting me do this without, I don't know, maybe making sense.
And hopefully it does make sense.
And yeah, we'll talk soon again.
Thanks.
Bye.
